Surrendering the process of surrendering

Surrender is a messy thing. It's simultaneously easier and harder to avoid than to face. I have been so confused and frustrated lately. Coming before God really believing that you have surrendered all of your circumstances to Him and yet feeling as if something huge is being withheld without your knowledge is a very frustrating place to be. My position as of late with my job at the church has made me that much more acutely aware of the responsibility I have to be fully surrendered to whatever God has for me, and yet I've felt farther away then where I've wanted to be in the past few days.
A glimpse of light has just barely started to shine on this frustrated confusion I've had. I think what I'm starting to realize is that it's not just circumstances we must surrender. It's also not our emotions, reactions to situations, or spiritual contentment that we must surrender. I must surrender all of the lies that I have believed and have allowed to be ingrained into my heart.
Some things have occurred in the last couple of days that have brought to the surface of my very skin some deeply embedded fears and lies that I have allowed to be buried into my self assessment of my value and worth. This is deeply saddening to me because one of my deepest passions is reaching young girls lives to help them realize their worth; their value in the eyes of Christ, and all of these years I've allowed the same thing to keep me from fully diving into that endeavor. Irony.
Yesterday would have been my dad's 56th birthday. Sometimes I wonder if he was really the only person apart from hopefully my husband one day who would understand me the most. I hear we were a lot alike. As much as I want to discount the whole theory of "daddy issues" I have realized that I can't be healed of them if I don't admit them.
Hi, my name is Brooke, and I have daddy issues.
It's true, and I fear even as I write this that at the sound of that it will send some people running for the hills. I have been told I'm "too much", I have been told I'm too loud, too honest; I have been called crazy, creepy, weird, out of control and pretty much everything else under the sun. Granted a lot of these comments have been self inflicted because of my love of teasing and joking around and using sarcasm as a crutch and a defense, but nonetheless, most of them have cut deep and continue to do so. What's happened over the years is I have begun to believe these things as bad things. Not saying that I don't have a lot of work to do on myself, we all have a lot of work to do, and if you don't think you do than you have the most. What's begun to happen is I have started to doubt that any part of me is ever worth truly, madly, deeply loving. I live in a state of fear that I will be "found out". I live thinking that I will never truly be lovable, that I really am too much, that I will not ever be worth it to anyone to actually stick around. I cover this up by acting extremely confident, and happy, and energetic. These are a part of my personality! And that really is who I am! But not all the time. I have moments where I act that way simply to hide something that will make me look vulnerable or weak.
Ok, now that I've spilled the secret and all my guts along with it, and now that I'm already embarrassed thinking about anybody reading this, I have arrived at my point; I can't get rid of these lies on my own. I must SURRENDER them to my Father who looks at me and tells me I AM WORTH IT. I was worth it already. It is finished. I am His. I am loved despite my quirks, my sin, my imperfections. In fact I'm loved because of them. For years I have felt guilty at not being able to overcome these lies by simply refuting them.
See, surrender is actually the most incredible life giving gift that God could have ever given me. He wants to take these lies from me, but I have to not only declare them as lies, but hand them over to Jesus, heart to heart, and let Him declare them as lies. Let His voice speak over His daughter and heal her of these deeply ingrained life drainers so that no matter who comes and goes out of her life, she will not be able to deny her value.
I'm probably trying to control this process more than I should be, and I am asking God to show me how to surrender these lies to Him, not just try and not believe them on my own. I need to surrender the process of surrendering :) And the only way I know how to do this is to ask for His mercy and let it just wash over me. But I would appreciate prayers from anyone who would be willing to take on such a task and partner with me in the next step of freedom to be able to serve Him without the fear of what others think of me.

I have found my heart's home :)

Well it certainly has been a while since I've written in this, and A LOT has changed. In some ways it seriously feels like I never left Portland, but then I think about how different things would be (or I guess how the same they would have stayed) if I had never left Portland. I'm still processing, through a lot of private dialogue and journaling between Jesus and me, what has changed in me since moving to San Diego and back, but regardless of specifics, I have a deep conviction and peace about the fact that it was absolutely necessary for the direction of my life.
It was just a little over a year ago that I started this blog, with the intention of telling you about my crazy journey to becoming a full time missionary in Nicaragua, and now here I sit, on NW 23rd street in Portland on a GORGEOUS sunny morning. I never would have believed a year ago that I could be content, let alone ecstatic, about being in Portland still one year later, but I can honestly tell you I am.
As always, life has been insane as of late. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to coin that the new normal for me and stop always describing my life as insane, from now on I'll just say life is normal. I love that normal. I complain, I get tired, sick, stressed out...but if that wasn't the case I would be completely bored. So I guess it's the lesser of two evils. Except even as I type that last sentence I realize it's not an evil at all, it's my ideal situation :) And God obviously knows that.
To briefly recap even just the last month: Wrapped things up in San Diego, mom arrived to pack her car along with mine with all my stuff (yes my entire life fits in two cars, and yes most of that is clothes), spent a couple days touring San Diego and started a road trip north, cut my road trip short and drove over night from L.A. to Portland to be here to meet Liz's gorgeous and amazing twin girls, haven't caught up on sleep since then, started a new job that has taken over my life and my heart in the greatest of ways (even though so far I've worked 7 days a week), and have been splitting my life between Vancouver and West Linn.
Almost directly between West Linn and Vancouver there lies a community named St. John's where Roosevelt High school resides. This is the true residence of my life, heart and passion. I could list all of the incredible things that we do there, like running the clothes closet, starting a food pantry, supporting sports teams and activities, reviving a community to bring life back into a place that does not deserve to be forgotten; but the true work lies in what the Holy Spirit is doing there. Building relationships with these students over having them come in for a granola bar is only something that God can ordain, and He is! Three weeks into the job and just yesterday I consoled two different students who came in crying and sharing with me life stories that I could only imagine. Soon I will need to devote an entire blog, or maybe the rest from now on, to the incredible things happening out there at that school of 700 students, but for now all I can say is my heart has never been more connected to a ministry; community; family; really a purpose than it is to Roosevelt.
The whole title of this blog (can I wear jewelry in Nicaragua) was a reflection on the dilemma of how I could mesh two very dominate sides to my personality that I believe God equipped me with. That's what my ministry and job is at Roosevelt! It's the best of both world's. I feel more myself than ever before and yet step into a different world and mission field everyday. This job is proof that the ideas and plans God has for us are BEYOND anything I could ever dream. One year ago my heart was set on what I thought was the calling on my life, little did I know that all I needed to do was drive up I-5 half an hour and I would find my heart's home. It only took me leaving Portland for 10 months to realize and be content with that. I can not wait to see the miracles that happen in this community. There are NO WORDS to describe how humbled and privileged I feel to be allowed to be a part of this for however long God sees fit. And there are no words to describe how happy I am to be back :)