Hey, just incase anyone looks at this, i've created a new blog. New season = New blog :)
If you're curious it's http://godgivesmepinkthings.tumblr.com/
See you there!
Brooke
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
One year ago...
One year ago I was on my way moving down to San Diego, about two hours outside of San Francisco, I had just left Portland that morning and it was just me and whatever fit inside my VW Beetle and the road. What a crazy feeling to look back on this last year.
One of the major things that God really was trying to teach me over this past year, and the lesson that continues to this very moment is the concept of allowing Him to shape what success is in my life. Sometimes I look at my life and I see it from the world's eyes. Sometimes I see coming back from San Diego before even one year was up as a failure, like I didn't give it a chance. But I went down one year ago with the intention of following God, and I came back with the same.
I have to constantly remind myself that success is rarely in the big moments when everything falls together, success is following God every step of the way even when it doesn't look right. Even when you can't see how anything's going to work out, you keep moving forward. I think God's more pleased with those moments than the more obvious achievements.
All of my life, even when I was turning away from the plans God had for me, I have been saturated in His presence. I haven't been able to escape it, and I find myself looking back at this last year seeing God's presence dramatically in every corner. That makes me happy. I miss San Diego, I wonder what would have happened if I had stayed, I wonder what would have happened if I had never gone, and who knows? I just wonder these things out of curiosity, I realize they're pointless thoughts, but then again, maybe they're not. It's brought me to a place where the less I SEE what God is doing or what God may have planned with a certain situation, the more I can SEE God Himself in that and not my own portrayal of what should be.
I heard a speaker on the radio this morning say, "Being filled with the Holy Spirit doesn't mean we get more spirit, it means the Holy Spirit gets more of us." I think I gave more of myself to the Holy Spirit in the last year, and whether I stay in Portland for the rest of my life now or move every 10 months until the day I die, I think that if I'm giving myself to the Holy Spirit more and more, then my life will be defined by my maker, and that is something to look back on and be proud of. Thank you to everyone who have been my support and link to God over the past year. It has not gone unnoticed :)
One of the major things that God really was trying to teach me over this past year, and the lesson that continues to this very moment is the concept of allowing Him to shape what success is in my life. Sometimes I look at my life and I see it from the world's eyes. Sometimes I see coming back from San Diego before even one year was up as a failure, like I didn't give it a chance. But I went down one year ago with the intention of following God, and I came back with the same.
I have to constantly remind myself that success is rarely in the big moments when everything falls together, success is following God every step of the way even when it doesn't look right. Even when you can't see how anything's going to work out, you keep moving forward. I think God's more pleased with those moments than the more obvious achievements.
All of my life, even when I was turning away from the plans God had for me, I have been saturated in His presence. I haven't been able to escape it, and I find myself looking back at this last year seeing God's presence dramatically in every corner. That makes me happy. I miss San Diego, I wonder what would have happened if I had stayed, I wonder what would have happened if I had never gone, and who knows? I just wonder these things out of curiosity, I realize they're pointless thoughts, but then again, maybe they're not. It's brought me to a place where the less I SEE what God is doing or what God may have planned with a certain situation, the more I can SEE God Himself in that and not my own portrayal of what should be.
I heard a speaker on the radio this morning say, "Being filled with the Holy Spirit doesn't mean we get more spirit, it means the Holy Spirit gets more of us." I think I gave more of myself to the Holy Spirit in the last year, and whether I stay in Portland for the rest of my life now or move every 10 months until the day I die, I think that if I'm giving myself to the Holy Spirit more and more, then my life will be defined by my maker, and that is something to look back on and be proud of. Thank you to everyone who have been my support and link to God over the past year. It has not gone unnoticed :)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
How Bizarre, How Bizarre
I love working in a place where every single day is different from the one before. Right now we are in the process of really detailed definitions of what our goals are out here at Roosevelt, and we're organizing volunteer opportunities to give anyone and everyone a chance to really serve if their heart so desires. And yet, it's been a difficult task because there is literally something different coming up nearly every day. It's good though :) It's great actually. Just a little bizarre. I was just writing back and forth this morning with Kristine, who established the gigantic shoes we are now trying to fill ;), and I just was struck with how bizarre this job is :) It's so weird! A church in a public school reaching out to the students and community. Homecoming planning is ministry now, and yet it's just what Jesus did. He went fishing with, ate meals with and celebrated with the people that He was reaching out to.
Yesterday I actually said the name of Jesus to a student for the first time. That is definitely not something that happens out here, and I actually really like that. I'll explain the context to you though...He asked Heather and I what kind of a church we went to, and he asked "Is it an open church?" When I asked him what he meant by that he said that most Christians were very closed minded. Heather and I told him our hearts as a church were to show others what we are for, rather than what we are against. And then I said, "We absolutely believe that Jesus Christ is the Savior, and we believe that He is all about relationships, so that's what we are about." He seemed to take this answer really well and we proceeded onto conversations about finding food he could feed his mice, among other things. I almost felt like I had done something wrong at first, but I know that it was God.
I've been overwhelmed with the concept of fearing God recently. I feel like Satan has been extremely sneaky in the past week to two weeks to really discourage me. And I've actually been letting it happen a bit. But multiple things have happened within the course of just a few days that have been hammering the idea of the Fear of God into my head. On Friday night I had the privilege of meeting with some amazing girls, and each one of us brought a verse and some thoughts on it, and every single one had one common denominator: When we fear God with our whole hearts, it leads to submission, trust, and dying to ourselves which leads to God being manifested in our lives. And then Kip spoke this weekend on turning away from the desire to love this world. I took that one step further and felt like I needed to stop letting the view this world had about ME make me feel less about myself. Satan uses this world to make us feel like we are alone, that we don't have what it takes, that there's always someone or something better than us and on and on and on. The fight against this idea is the heart behind what we're doing here at Roosevelt, and the heart behind how I want to treat everyone in my life. We want to stop that idea from spreading and show people what incredible value every single life has!
With all of the discouragement that I feel has been trying to take over my heart, I realized that by simply being reminded of the BIGNESS of God, and His love for me, and HIS opinion of me, is the only way to see myself and stay in the stride of God. I want to be so caught up in His will, His opinion and His purpose that wisdom and purpose oozes out of every action I take and every word I say. I believe this comes out of being on my face before God and developing an ever deepening fear of the Lord, an ever deepening realization of how BIG He is and at the same time an ever deepening realization of how CHOSEN I am. We all are, and no matter what bizarre situation we find ourselves in, we can be sure that if we're following Him, we are exactly where we are supposed to be. I want to be able to be trusted by Him in everything, so that bigger and better things can be awaiting me.
I believe it is in this place, the place of pure realization of the unity between us and God, that we can be confident that we have what it takes because God says so. So I'm standing up to the world because, as the beloved elementary school phrase so well puts it, "My dad is bigger than your dad, world".
Yesterday I actually said the name of Jesus to a student for the first time. That is definitely not something that happens out here, and I actually really like that. I'll explain the context to you though...He asked Heather and I what kind of a church we went to, and he asked "Is it an open church?" When I asked him what he meant by that he said that most Christians were very closed minded. Heather and I told him our hearts as a church were to show others what we are for, rather than what we are against. And then I said, "We absolutely believe that Jesus Christ is the Savior, and we believe that He is all about relationships, so that's what we are about." He seemed to take this answer really well and we proceeded onto conversations about finding food he could feed his mice, among other things. I almost felt like I had done something wrong at first, but I know that it was God.
I've been overwhelmed with the concept of fearing God recently. I feel like Satan has been extremely sneaky in the past week to two weeks to really discourage me. And I've actually been letting it happen a bit. But multiple things have happened within the course of just a few days that have been hammering the idea of the Fear of God into my head. On Friday night I had the privilege of meeting with some amazing girls, and each one of us brought a verse and some thoughts on it, and every single one had one common denominator: When we fear God with our whole hearts, it leads to submission, trust, and dying to ourselves which leads to God being manifested in our lives. And then Kip spoke this weekend on turning away from the desire to love this world. I took that one step further and felt like I needed to stop letting the view this world had about ME make me feel less about myself. Satan uses this world to make us feel like we are alone, that we don't have what it takes, that there's always someone or something better than us and on and on and on. The fight against this idea is the heart behind what we're doing here at Roosevelt, and the heart behind how I want to treat everyone in my life. We want to stop that idea from spreading and show people what incredible value every single life has!
With all of the discouragement that I feel has been trying to take over my heart, I realized that by simply being reminded of the BIGNESS of God, and His love for me, and HIS opinion of me, is the only way to see myself and stay in the stride of God. I want to be so caught up in His will, His opinion and His purpose that wisdom and purpose oozes out of every action I take and every word I say. I believe this comes out of being on my face before God and developing an ever deepening fear of the Lord, an ever deepening realization of how BIG He is and at the same time an ever deepening realization of how CHOSEN I am. We all are, and no matter what bizarre situation we find ourselves in, we can be sure that if we're following Him, we are exactly where we are supposed to be. I want to be able to be trusted by Him in everything, so that bigger and better things can be awaiting me.
I believe it is in this place, the place of pure realization of the unity between us and God, that we can be confident that we have what it takes because God says so. So I'm standing up to the world because, as the beloved elementary school phrase so well puts it, "My dad is bigger than your dad, world".
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Today could be the day
I was talking with my brother the other night, listening to his dreams, his passions, his story. I'm very blessed to have a brother who has an inspiring passion. I get inspired by a lot, it doesn't seem to take much for me to get excited about something. Then again it doesn't take much for me to get irritated, angry (always righteously of course):), or sad about something. But I'm so thankful for my passion. Being around passionate people everyday is the greatest thing I could ever ask for.
I believe Jesus was insanely passionate. When people read his stories from The Book as if he were this monotonous biology professor it kills me. He was a man, He was passionate and loved deeply and hurt deeply and expressed all of it. His followers who actually made a difference in this world were passionate, and I long to be one of those. My passion can get me into trouble sometimes, because as passionate as Jesus was, He also knew how to express it and what was appropriate when. That's the little piece I'm still working on :) BUT I am working on it.
Being at this school everyday is the greatest blessing I could have, but it's such a learning period for me on how to tame this passion. Heather and I see kids every single day that don't have anything. Or even if they have some stuff, their souls are still lacking of true life. It took everything in me the other day when a kid came in here and broke down to not reach out and start praying for him immediately...I had to choke it back and just let my soul loose inside of me to start crying out to God while keeping my composure on the outside. But passionate prayer is something that I want to grow in. It's not about the words people hear you saying to God, it's about that soul to soul connection with my Savior on behalf of these PRECIOUS lives that I have the blessing to interact with every single day.
I am considering stopping this blog and beginning one that is specifically for Roosevelt and the work that Southlake is doing everyday out here, not just with Heather, Jeff Jacob and I, but all of the incredible people I speak with every single day from Southlake who are volunteering, helping and desiring to do more. These lives are worth it, just like you and I are worth enough to God that He would do everything He's done in our lives up until this point to get us to where we're at.
I had a girl come in today who was depressed about her weight and saw herself as nothing. We've met kids who's parents are in prison, who's lives have been turned upside down by abuse, a 15 year old who's pregnant and was sent away from her home and goes to doctor's appointments alone on a public bus, kids who's only hope is stealing or selling drugs to support their own families. I'm not naive enough to think this only happens out here either. I see it everywhere. It's brutal to see people through God's eyes sometimes. I see God's opinion of these people, the beauty, value, hope, PASSION about this one individual soul. And it just makes me feel like I can't even breathe sometimes. But I can say God's words, I can speak truth into these lives, and I can let my soul loose and let the Holy Spirit plead to the Father for me on behalf of lost souls. THAT is what we all have the chance to do every single day.
My dad used to live with some guys at an older guys house, and everyday when this older guy would come in and wake them up he'd say, "Today could be the day guys". They lived every single day with the realization that Jesus could be coming back any minute now, just like the days of the first church. Because of that my dad touched more lives by the age of 38 than most people do in a lifetime. They saw every single person they met as a chance to help them meet their creator or serve them in any way they could think of.
My passion can make me have good intentions a lot of the time, but it doesn't always drive me to constant action on behalf of the Lord. I am on a mission to change that. And that comes from constant direct dialogue with my Father and asking Him to show me how every single moment can be dedicated to Him and not to my own selfish desires. After all, today IS the day.
I believe Jesus was insanely passionate. When people read his stories from The Book as if he were this monotonous biology professor it kills me. He was a man, He was passionate and loved deeply and hurt deeply and expressed all of it. His followers who actually made a difference in this world were passionate, and I long to be one of those. My passion can get me into trouble sometimes, because as passionate as Jesus was, He also knew how to express it and what was appropriate when. That's the little piece I'm still working on :) BUT I am working on it.
Being at this school everyday is the greatest blessing I could have, but it's such a learning period for me on how to tame this passion. Heather and I see kids every single day that don't have anything. Or even if they have some stuff, their souls are still lacking of true life. It took everything in me the other day when a kid came in here and broke down to not reach out and start praying for him immediately...I had to choke it back and just let my soul loose inside of me to start crying out to God while keeping my composure on the outside. But passionate prayer is something that I want to grow in. It's not about the words people hear you saying to God, it's about that soul to soul connection with my Savior on behalf of these PRECIOUS lives that I have the blessing to interact with every single day.
I am considering stopping this blog and beginning one that is specifically for Roosevelt and the work that Southlake is doing everyday out here, not just with Heather, Jeff Jacob and I, but all of the incredible people I speak with every single day from Southlake who are volunteering, helping and desiring to do more. These lives are worth it, just like you and I are worth enough to God that He would do everything He's done in our lives up until this point to get us to where we're at.
I had a girl come in today who was depressed about her weight and saw herself as nothing. We've met kids who's parents are in prison, who's lives have been turned upside down by abuse, a 15 year old who's pregnant and was sent away from her home and goes to doctor's appointments alone on a public bus, kids who's only hope is stealing or selling drugs to support their own families. I'm not naive enough to think this only happens out here either. I see it everywhere. It's brutal to see people through God's eyes sometimes. I see God's opinion of these people, the beauty, value, hope, PASSION about this one individual soul. And it just makes me feel like I can't even breathe sometimes. But I can say God's words, I can speak truth into these lives, and I can let my soul loose and let the Holy Spirit plead to the Father for me on behalf of lost souls. THAT is what we all have the chance to do every single day.
My dad used to live with some guys at an older guys house, and everyday when this older guy would come in and wake them up he'd say, "Today could be the day guys". They lived every single day with the realization that Jesus could be coming back any minute now, just like the days of the first church. Because of that my dad touched more lives by the age of 38 than most people do in a lifetime. They saw every single person they met as a chance to help them meet their creator or serve them in any way they could think of.
My passion can make me have good intentions a lot of the time, but it doesn't always drive me to constant action on behalf of the Lord. I am on a mission to change that. And that comes from constant direct dialogue with my Father and asking Him to show me how every single moment can be dedicated to Him and not to my own selfish desires. After all, today IS the day.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Surrendering the process of surrendering
Surrender is a messy thing. It's simultaneously easier and harder to avoid than to face. I have been so confused and frustrated lately. Coming before God really believing that you have surrendered all of your circumstances to Him and yet feeling as if something huge is being withheld without your knowledge is a very frustrating place to be. My position as of late with my job at the church has made me that much more acutely aware of the responsibility I have to be fully surrendered to whatever God has for me, and yet I've felt farther away then where I've wanted to be in the past few days.
A glimpse of light has just barely started to shine on this frustrated confusion I've had. I think what I'm starting to realize is that it's not just circumstances we must surrender. It's also not our emotions, reactions to situations, or spiritual contentment that we must surrender. I must surrender all of the lies that I have believed and have allowed to be ingrained into my heart.
Some things have occurred in the last couple of days that have brought to the surface of my very skin some deeply embedded fears and lies that I have allowed to be buried into my self assessment of my value and worth. This is deeply saddening to me because one of my deepest passions is reaching young girls lives to help them realize their worth; their value in the eyes of Christ, and all of these years I've allowed the same thing to keep me from fully diving into that endeavor. Irony.
Yesterday would have been my dad's 56th birthday. Sometimes I wonder if he was really the only person apart from hopefully my husband one day who would understand me the most. I hear we were a lot alike. As much as I want to discount the whole theory of "daddy issues" I have realized that I can't be healed of them if I don't admit them.
Hi, my name is Brooke, and I have daddy issues.
It's true, and I fear even as I write this that at the sound of that it will send some people running for the hills. I have been told I'm "too much", I have been told I'm too loud, too honest; I have been called crazy, creepy, weird, out of control and pretty much everything else under the sun. Granted a lot of these comments have been self inflicted because of my love of teasing and joking around and using sarcasm as a crutch and a defense, but nonetheless, most of them have cut deep and continue to do so. What's happened over the years is I have begun to believe these things as bad things. Not saying that I don't have a lot of work to do on myself, we all have a lot of work to do, and if you don't think you do than you have the most. What's begun to happen is I have started to doubt that any part of me is ever worth truly, madly, deeply loving. I live in a state of fear that I will be "found out". I live thinking that I will never truly be lovable, that I really am too much, that I will not ever be worth it to anyone to actually stick around. I cover this up by acting extremely confident, and happy, and energetic. These are a part of my personality! And that really is who I am! But not all the time. I have moments where I act that way simply to hide something that will make me look vulnerable or weak.
Ok, now that I've spilled the secret and all my guts along with it, and now that I'm already embarrassed thinking about anybody reading this, I have arrived at my point; I can't get rid of these lies on my own. I must SURRENDER them to my Father who looks at me and tells me I AM WORTH IT. I was worth it already. It is finished. I am His. I am loved despite my quirks, my sin, my imperfections. In fact I'm loved because of them. For years I have felt guilty at not being able to overcome these lies by simply refuting them.
See, surrender is actually the most incredible life giving gift that God could have ever given me. He wants to take these lies from me, but I have to not only declare them as lies, but hand them over to Jesus, heart to heart, and let Him declare them as lies. Let His voice speak over His daughter and heal her of these deeply ingrained life drainers so that no matter who comes and goes out of her life, she will not be able to deny her value.
I'm probably trying to control this process more than I should be, and I am asking God to show me how to surrender these lies to Him, not just try and not believe them on my own. I need to surrender the process of surrendering :) And the only way I know how to do this is to ask for His mercy and let it just wash over me. But I would appreciate prayers from anyone who would be willing to take on such a task and partner with me in the next step of freedom to be able to serve Him without the fear of what others think of me.
A glimpse of light has just barely started to shine on this frustrated confusion I've had. I think what I'm starting to realize is that it's not just circumstances we must surrender. It's also not our emotions, reactions to situations, or spiritual contentment that we must surrender. I must surrender all of the lies that I have believed and have allowed to be ingrained into my heart.
Some things have occurred in the last couple of days that have brought to the surface of my very skin some deeply embedded fears and lies that I have allowed to be buried into my self assessment of my value and worth. This is deeply saddening to me because one of my deepest passions is reaching young girls lives to help them realize their worth; their value in the eyes of Christ, and all of these years I've allowed the same thing to keep me from fully diving into that endeavor. Irony.
Yesterday would have been my dad's 56th birthday. Sometimes I wonder if he was really the only person apart from hopefully my husband one day who would understand me the most. I hear we were a lot alike. As much as I want to discount the whole theory of "daddy issues" I have realized that I can't be healed of them if I don't admit them.
Hi, my name is Brooke, and I have daddy issues.
It's true, and I fear even as I write this that at the sound of that it will send some people running for the hills. I have been told I'm "too much", I have been told I'm too loud, too honest; I have been called crazy, creepy, weird, out of control and pretty much everything else under the sun. Granted a lot of these comments have been self inflicted because of my love of teasing and joking around and using sarcasm as a crutch and a defense, but nonetheless, most of them have cut deep and continue to do so. What's happened over the years is I have begun to believe these things as bad things. Not saying that I don't have a lot of work to do on myself, we all have a lot of work to do, and if you don't think you do than you have the most. What's begun to happen is I have started to doubt that any part of me is ever worth truly, madly, deeply loving. I live in a state of fear that I will be "found out". I live thinking that I will never truly be lovable, that I really am too much, that I will not ever be worth it to anyone to actually stick around. I cover this up by acting extremely confident, and happy, and energetic. These are a part of my personality! And that really is who I am! But not all the time. I have moments where I act that way simply to hide something that will make me look vulnerable or weak.
Ok, now that I've spilled the secret and all my guts along with it, and now that I'm already embarrassed thinking about anybody reading this, I have arrived at my point; I can't get rid of these lies on my own. I must SURRENDER them to my Father who looks at me and tells me I AM WORTH IT. I was worth it already. It is finished. I am His. I am loved despite my quirks, my sin, my imperfections. In fact I'm loved because of them. For years I have felt guilty at not being able to overcome these lies by simply refuting them.
See, surrender is actually the most incredible life giving gift that God could have ever given me. He wants to take these lies from me, but I have to not only declare them as lies, but hand them over to Jesus, heart to heart, and let Him declare them as lies. Let His voice speak over His daughter and heal her of these deeply ingrained life drainers so that no matter who comes and goes out of her life, she will not be able to deny her value.
I'm probably trying to control this process more than I should be, and I am asking God to show me how to surrender these lies to Him, not just try and not believe them on my own. I need to surrender the process of surrendering :) And the only way I know how to do this is to ask for His mercy and let it just wash over me. But I would appreciate prayers from anyone who would be willing to take on such a task and partner with me in the next step of freedom to be able to serve Him without the fear of what others think of me.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I have found my heart's home :)
Well it certainly has been a while since I've written in this, and A LOT has changed. In some ways it seriously feels like I never left Portland, but then I think about how different things would be (or I guess how the same they would have stayed) if I had never left Portland. I'm still processing, through a lot of private dialogue and journaling between Jesus and me, what has changed in me since moving to San Diego and back, but regardless of specifics, I have a deep conviction and peace about the fact that it was absolutely necessary for the direction of my life.
It was just a little over a year ago that I started this blog, with the intention of telling you about my crazy journey to becoming a full time missionary in Nicaragua, and now here I sit, on NW 23rd street in Portland on a GORGEOUS sunny morning. I never would have believed a year ago that I could be content, let alone ecstatic, about being in Portland still one year later, but I can honestly tell you I am.
As always, life has been insane as of late. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to coin that the new normal for me and stop always describing my life as insane, from now on I'll just say life is normal. I love that normal. I complain, I get tired, sick, stressed out...but if that wasn't the case I would be completely bored. So I guess it's the lesser of two evils. Except even as I type that last sentence I realize it's not an evil at all, it's my ideal situation :) And God obviously knows that.
To briefly recap even just the last month: Wrapped things up in San Diego, mom arrived to pack her car along with mine with all my stuff (yes my entire life fits in two cars, and yes most of that is clothes), spent a couple days touring San Diego and started a road trip north, cut my road trip short and drove over night from L.A. to Portland to be here to meet Liz's gorgeous and amazing twin girls, haven't caught up on sleep since then, started a new job that has taken over my life and my heart in the greatest of ways (even though so far I've worked 7 days a week), and have been splitting my life between Vancouver and West Linn.
Almost directly between West Linn and Vancouver there lies a community named St. John's where Roosevelt High school resides. This is the true residence of my life, heart and passion. I could list all of the incredible things that we do there, like running the clothes closet, starting a food pantry, supporting sports teams and activities, reviving a community to bring life back into a place that does not deserve to be forgotten; but the true work lies in what the Holy Spirit is doing there. Building relationships with these students over having them come in for a granola bar is only something that God can ordain, and He is! Three weeks into the job and just yesterday I consoled two different students who came in crying and sharing with me life stories that I could only imagine. Soon I will need to devote an entire blog, or maybe the rest from now on, to the incredible things happening out there at that school of 700 students, but for now all I can say is my heart has never been more connected to a ministry; community; family; really a purpose than it is to Roosevelt.
The whole title of this blog (can I wear jewelry in Nicaragua) was a reflection on the dilemma of how I could mesh two very dominate sides to my personality that I believe God equipped me with. That's what my ministry and job is at Roosevelt! It's the best of both world's. I feel more myself than ever before and yet step into a different world and mission field everyday. This job is proof that the ideas and plans God has for us are BEYOND anything I could ever dream. One year ago my heart was set on what I thought was the calling on my life, little did I know that all I needed to do was drive up I-5 half an hour and I would find my heart's home. It only took me leaving Portland for 10 months to realize and be content with that. I can not wait to see the miracles that happen in this community. There are NO WORDS to describe how humbled and privileged I feel to be allowed to be a part of this for however long God sees fit. And there are no words to describe how happy I am to be back :)
It was just a little over a year ago that I started this blog, with the intention of telling you about my crazy journey to becoming a full time missionary in Nicaragua, and now here I sit, on NW 23rd street in Portland on a GORGEOUS sunny morning. I never would have believed a year ago that I could be content, let alone ecstatic, about being in Portland still one year later, but I can honestly tell you I am.
As always, life has been insane as of late. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to coin that the new normal for me and stop always describing my life as insane, from now on I'll just say life is normal. I love that normal. I complain, I get tired, sick, stressed out...but if that wasn't the case I would be completely bored. So I guess it's the lesser of two evils. Except even as I type that last sentence I realize it's not an evil at all, it's my ideal situation :) And God obviously knows that.
To briefly recap even just the last month: Wrapped things up in San Diego, mom arrived to pack her car along with mine with all my stuff (yes my entire life fits in two cars, and yes most of that is clothes), spent a couple days touring San Diego and started a road trip north, cut my road trip short and drove over night from L.A. to Portland to be here to meet Liz's gorgeous and amazing twin girls, haven't caught up on sleep since then, started a new job that has taken over my life and my heart in the greatest of ways (even though so far I've worked 7 days a week), and have been splitting my life between Vancouver and West Linn.
Almost directly between West Linn and Vancouver there lies a community named St. John's where Roosevelt High school resides. This is the true residence of my life, heart and passion. I could list all of the incredible things that we do there, like running the clothes closet, starting a food pantry, supporting sports teams and activities, reviving a community to bring life back into a place that does not deserve to be forgotten; but the true work lies in what the Holy Spirit is doing there. Building relationships with these students over having them come in for a granola bar is only something that God can ordain, and He is! Three weeks into the job and just yesterday I consoled two different students who came in crying and sharing with me life stories that I could only imagine. Soon I will need to devote an entire blog, or maybe the rest from now on, to the incredible things happening out there at that school of 700 students, but for now all I can say is my heart has never been more connected to a ministry; community; family; really a purpose than it is to Roosevelt.
The whole title of this blog (can I wear jewelry in Nicaragua) was a reflection on the dilemma of how I could mesh two very dominate sides to my personality that I believe God equipped me with. That's what my ministry and job is at Roosevelt! It's the best of both world's. I feel more myself than ever before and yet step into a different world and mission field everyday. This job is proof that the ideas and plans God has for us are BEYOND anything I could ever dream. One year ago my heart was set on what I thought was the calling on my life, little did I know that all I needed to do was drive up I-5 half an hour and I would find my heart's home. It only took me leaving Portland for 10 months to realize and be content with that. I can not wait to see the miracles that happen in this community. There are NO WORDS to describe how humbled and privileged I feel to be allowed to be a part of this for however long God sees fit. And there are no words to describe how happy I am to be back :)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
"...you haven't seen nothin' yet!!"
I woke up this morning with a very strong feeling that God is trying to pull me deeper. Seriously, I woke up, and immediately there was a sense of God's voice challenging me to something. And my response? To the great SURPRISE of myself, it was a simple "Ok". Without "what is it?", or "show me something specific", or even "this is probably just my weird dream that I just had", I just simply conceded and started doing everything I could today to just listen, and open myself up wider to whatever it is that God has.
I am moving back to Portland in a week and a half, and I am having mixed emotions about it. The girl I work with is SO sad, and that makes me really sad. It's going to be a lot harder for me than I think I realize to leave her, and to leave everyone here for that matter. But I was reminded today through numerous things, (a book I'm reading, a movie I saw, reading scripture, and most recently a phone convo I had with my mom), that God is challenging me to LET GOOOOO of everything; to absolutely strip down and dive fully into abandonment to my Jesus.
See, technically I'm moving "back" to a place I've been before...but I'm going back to a new life, and as a new person. I believe that God is wanting to show me a very specific vision for my life, and this vision is going to require complete sacrifice of everything I've ever imagined for my life. This is a semi-scary/semi-invigorating thought for me. And I know that He won't show me until I'm willing to jump in with my whole life, soul, heart, and body. He has been preparing me, and until now my growth has been sufficient, but now, now it's different.
Even my good and great and God-centered vision and dreams for my life are at risk right now. Everything He's given me in my life must go. Even going back to Portland, I need to shed every expectation and "what used to be" notion and be fully abandoned to whatever He has next for me. The thing is, we let our emotions govern us so often, and although those are very real and worth facing and listening to at times, even those have become pale in comparison to this deeper and deeper reality of the spiritual realm. It's once we're able to look at everything and everyone we love desperately in this life, and have that all still pale in comparison to the reality of God and HIS voice and HIS vision that we're still being held back from things and purpose He has for us.
I was at a movie tonight and there was a preview for "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" and there was this scene that I swear God spoke to me through! (It could have just been me, but I don't think so). It was Aslan, and he looked at the kids and said "You have come back for a reason, this is where your adventure begins". Looking at that statement I think, "well, ya, but my whole life has been an advenutre", but God is calling me to a deeper one. It's almost like He was like "Oh Brooke, you haven't seen nothin' yet!" :) And that thought makes everything He's calling me to that seems daunting and scary and risky SO worth it! (and I don't even know what those things are yet!) It's a very ALIVE place to be.
I believe He's saying that to all of us! "Oh - place your name here -, you haven't seen nothin' yet!" It just takes us to listen with our souls rather than our over-analyzing brains :)
I am moving back to Portland in a week and a half, and I am having mixed emotions about it. The girl I work with is SO sad, and that makes me really sad. It's going to be a lot harder for me than I think I realize to leave her, and to leave everyone here for that matter. But I was reminded today through numerous things, (a book I'm reading, a movie I saw, reading scripture, and most recently a phone convo I had with my mom), that God is challenging me to LET GOOOOO of everything; to absolutely strip down and dive fully into abandonment to my Jesus.
See, technically I'm moving "back" to a place I've been before...but I'm going back to a new life, and as a new person. I believe that God is wanting to show me a very specific vision for my life, and this vision is going to require complete sacrifice of everything I've ever imagined for my life. This is a semi-scary/semi-invigorating thought for me. And I know that He won't show me until I'm willing to jump in with my whole life, soul, heart, and body. He has been preparing me, and until now my growth has been sufficient, but now, now it's different.
Even my good and great and God-centered vision and dreams for my life are at risk right now. Everything He's given me in my life must go. Even going back to Portland, I need to shed every expectation and "what used to be" notion and be fully abandoned to whatever He has next for me. The thing is, we let our emotions govern us so often, and although those are very real and worth facing and listening to at times, even those have become pale in comparison to this deeper and deeper reality of the spiritual realm. It's once we're able to look at everything and everyone we love desperately in this life, and have that all still pale in comparison to the reality of God and HIS voice and HIS vision that we're still being held back from things and purpose He has for us.
I was at a movie tonight and there was a preview for "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" and there was this scene that I swear God spoke to me through! (It could have just been me, but I don't think so). It was Aslan, and he looked at the kids and said "You have come back for a reason, this is where your adventure begins". Looking at that statement I think, "well, ya, but my whole life has been an advenutre", but God is calling me to a deeper one. It's almost like He was like "Oh Brooke, you haven't seen nothin' yet!" :) And that thought makes everything He's calling me to that seems daunting and scary and risky SO worth it! (and I don't even know what those things are yet!) It's a very ALIVE place to be.
I believe He's saying that to all of us! "Oh - place your name here -, you haven't seen nothin' yet!" It just takes us to listen with our souls rather than our over-analyzing brains :)
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