I have been so blessed in my life to be surrounded by amazing people. Godly, wise, strong, influential people. I myself am trying to become one of those people. What's interesting about this blessing, is that I started to take the people around me, their opinions, wisdom, advice, etc...as the Word of God; immediately and without much consultation with God Himself. For a while, as I was learning more and more how to hear the voice of God I think this was ok, but I'm beginning to realize the more I start to hear God's voice in the tone that only my soul responds to, that I was using all of those people as an excuse to not dive deeper within myself. I could rely on these voices, I could trust these people, and I still can.
This started to change however, when I first decided to move to Nicaragua to be a full time missionary (read from the beginning if you want a taste of that journey that took an unexpected turn to sunny San Diego). I remember talking to one of these amazing voices in my life, and I sat before her desperate for an answer, and the one I got was, "You're going to be the only one who can hear God in this." And again, another trusted voice, same answer. Talk about devastating and scary! And yet this is what God's been preparing me for from my first breath. The answer I heard was not the one I wanted to hear. And it seems ever since then a year ago, it's been one answer after another that I don't necessarily want to hear, but things have been changing in my heart. I am hearing Him. I am hearing A LOT of Him. Even the stuff that normally I would want to shut out or get verified by someone else.
I have plans and aspirations to travel the world for God, to reach out to the hurting, the homeless...and these are not just flowery words. THIS IS MY HEART OF HEARTS. I have dreams to change inner city hearts so that when they hear the word Jesus it resembles power and not pain. But when all is said and done, I need to be sanctified by God, open and willing to whatever His plan is. Stripped fully of every voice, of every influence except for raw and real Jesus Christ Himself, Father Son and Holy Spirit.
Please don't get me wrong, we need community! I need community! But honestly, since I've been in San Diego I haven't had much community. But I have had doses and doses of God in ways that I never even knew existed. A lot of people don't understand what I'm doing with my life. I've had people tell me that all they seem to hear is emotional explanations of my walk with God but that they still have no clue what's happening in my life...and you know what I want to say to that? My "emotional" explanations of my walk with God IS what's going on in my life. The details, the plans, they're all scattered. And I get very insecure about this because it doesn't make sense, and I don't know what to tell people when they ask me what the crap I'm doing with my life. But part of what God is doing in me is bringing me to a place where I am FULLY reliant on Him, trusting Him when literally NOTHING makes sense, and doing everything in my power to become more like Him so that I'll be ready when He brings the huge promises He's buried in my heart. THAT is the preparation I'm making in my life right now. I'm making room for Him, learning about Him, learning to stand confidently in His promises even when well meaning voices speak caution into my life.
I've been reading through Romans as I've mentioned, and Paul tackles BIG and tough topics..and I've noticed a pattern. He talks about something controversial like God deciding (or simply stating that He already knows) who will be saved and who won't be in Romans chapter 9, and he speaks to the Gentiles about the Jews losing favor with God and yet shoves it in the Gentiles faces that they're no better than the Jews even though God has shown them grace in chapter 11...then he makes statements like "who are you, a mere human being, to criticize God?" (9:20), or "For who can know what the Lord is thinking?" (11:34)...and then Paul proclaims what a GREAT and awesome God we serve. See we are sanctified by FAITH not answers. We have to choose to believe in who He says He is whether or not what He's doing makes sense. And we have to know Him, in order to trust in Him. We have to find out more about Him and how He's made us to know Him.
Faith, and not answers, this is what God is teaching me. A lot of people have asked me lately "do you think you've accomplished what God moved you to San Diego for?", and my answer? I have no freaking clue. What I do know is that He has dug deep, painfully deep, into my gut and ripped out a lot of notions that I don't have what it takes, that I can't hear Him, that He is not enough, and replaced those with pure and beautiful truth and power through Him and Him alone. So even if I came back to Portland today, I will have been changed. If He wants me to stay I'll stay (a little reluctantly), but I'll stay. I want to move back to Portland soon, but I want what God wants for me more. And I think I can say that honestly for the first time ever.
I am so incredibly thankful for amazing people God has placed in my life, but I am facing the not-so-fun-to-think-about aspect of Jesus when He calls us to love Him MORE than anything or anyONE in our lives. And frankly I'm done trying to explain to everyone what I'm doing and why. When I say I'm just following whatever God wants me to do, I'm not over-spiritualizing anything or trying to sound super Christian, I'm speaking from the newly deepened spirit within me that actually believes that.
