Rough draft of intro to my book I'm writing

Have you ever had that feeling so intense in the gut of your gut that you might very well explode if you don’t have an outlet for whatever it is that you’re feeling? Whether it be passion, pain, frustration, love. That’s how I feel. That’s why I’m writing. I fear my own passion at times; it may very well be the death of me. Not for the fact that I think passion is an actual threat to my human life, but that it might drive me mad.
Stop and think about a moment in your life when you felt the most passionate. Take a second and really think about it. Put yourself back in that place and try and feel it again. Now take that feeling, that moment that you’ve been able to remember feeling like you are going to explode, maybe it’s this very moment, and multiply that until you can’t anymore. The existence of that emotion, the very expanse of it, is only possible to feel because of the King of the world creating us so that we may feel; so that we may live. We would not be able to experience passion like that if it weren’t a mere glimpse of the passion our King has towards us and our purpose.
I believe that it is our right, rather our calling, to feel, and to feel passionately, and to let it out. To cry out to our Creator to tell us how we can further His kingdom through our own experiences, thoughts and emotions. If we let them out in the wrong way, or worse, keep them in altogether, it will kill us, for it will rob us of living fully and passionately this life that God has created us for.
There are multiple things in this life that will try and kill our passion, and will try and take away our sense of purpose. There is our own sin that stands in our way, there is unforeseen tragedy that will blindside us, and there are enticing distractions that this world, rather, our enemy throws at us daily. I do not claim to have the answers to stop all of these things from distracting us, I myself have been distracted and thrown off course by all of them. Rather, I have been freed from the burden of trying to figure out exactly how to live without these things, (sin, tragedy, distraction), and have learned how to hold my head high in the midst of them and boast proudly in what the LORD has done for me no matter what my world looks like at the moment.
Jesus Christ is here, He is alive, and we have the honor of getting to know Him. His word tells us to “hold our heads high above the enemies who surround us” (Psalm 27:6) and shout praises to our God. We are daughters and sons of the King of the universe, and we are recipients of His inheritance for us.
It breaks my heart how often Christians hang their heads in guilt, and feelings of unworthiness. Do we deserve what Christ did for us on the cross? No. But He did it anyways! And that, my friends, is a mighty thing to be celebrating with our lives. Instead of sulking and thinking of ourselves as so unworthy, let’s allow our gratitude to be motivation to stand tall as Christ’s family and live for Him! Don’t allow His sacrifice to be in vain! Allow His passions to flow actively and significantly through us! Let’s look together at His word to see how He truly sees us, as highly valued creations.
In this book my truest desire is to simply try and get my aching passion into a form of words that might actually portray some of what God has been revealing to me about how He has called us to live. He has called us to stand, to shout, and to boast proudly in Him and His deliverance. God’s deepest passion is relationship with you and me, no matter what the cost. That is what He exists for, let’s start existing for Him! I believe the greatest way to do this is to start to feel and live as though we were actually valued, because we actually are.

“But let all who take refuge in you REJOICE; let them sing joyful praises forever. Protect them, so all who love your name may be filled with joy, For you bless the godly, O Lord, surrounding them with your shield of love.” Psalm 5:11-12

"hey satan! I'm not going to let you hold this over my head anymore!"

Sunny with a high, of 75 and I'm happy to be alive...lalalala....for some reason I have that song stuck in my head. Pretty fitting for the day though.

It is beautiful here today, sun definitely helps with moods, but so does Jesus. Hey! Son, sun, tomato tomato? Ok that metaphor doesn't work when typed...it just looks like I'm saying the same word twice...wow. I need to stop.

Ok, I realized today that Jesus wants nothing more than to reach down and scrape us out of the pits we fall into. Whether we're pushed there, slip in without realizing it, or go on and jump right in even though we see it for what it is, He doesn't ever leave. And I also realized that not only do we want to get out so we can just be out of the pit, but it gives us a higher vantage point to see what the enemy is actually up to! And of course Satan doesn't want that.

I spent the morning with my Bible study ladies that I've neglected for the past three weeks due to various reasons. And then I went to Subway and Starbucks and started reading the book for our next study. I ended up reading for two hours, I about finished the book. Plus there's more sentences underlined than not now, but I am LOVIN' it. It's by Beth Moore again, did I mention I want to be her? She is seriously someone I esteem to be like in my life. Very real, very energetic, very in love with Jesus. Plus she has fabulous hair.

Sometimes I get self conscious that I talk about Jesus to much...can we say enemy attacking? That stupid liar, I hate him. BUT I did do something to kind of put him in his place today. It was super awkward for me, but I had been feeling really guilty about not being a good example of Christ, not walkin' the walk, especially with this one girl. And she knew I was a Christian so that made it even worse. But today I was like "hey satan! I'm not going to let you hold this over my head anymore!" I felt like I needed to do more to just stop it in it's tracks then simply start acting like a Christian around her, so I felt led...awkward as it was...to apologize to her for being a less than stellar example. A tad bit hard to get the words out but I felt so rejuvenated afterwards! And her response was super gracious and awesome and re-affirming that I wasn't as bad as I made myself feel anyways, so that's always nice to hear. And she asked if she could go to church with me sometime :) Did I mention God is good?

So I'm reaching up with my mud stained face from being in this pit, and I'm letting God drag me out, but I'm not going to be naive, I realize I'm still on the edge, and so every second counts. I need to be constantly aware that at any moment if I take my gaze off of the purpose for being here on Earth I could slip. Or knowing me, I'll get pissed about something and jump back in...no more! No bueno! Could I be so bold as to ask you to pray for me about this when you think of it? So I'm making minute by minute goals to turn back to Jesus and JUMP into His word!! Out with the pit, in with the Word...if I could make that into something catchier I might have another bumper sticker to add to my idea collection.

Taco Tuesday tonight at Pacific Beach with friends! Great way to cap off a "fresh start" day.

And I'm coming home for Easter! Woot Woot!!

Thank you, all of you, for loving me and supporting me through EVERYTHING. May I always be someone you know you can come to for the same source of support and affection.

Thank You, my faithful Savior, for pulling me out of the pit and for risking Your name on me. I adore You.

I will boast!

I feel like my life is always one step forward two steps back, but for the most part it's my fault that it continues to be that way.
I talk to much when I should just keep my mouth shut, I shut my mouth up when I should speak up, I allow things into my life that shouldn't be there and I cut out things that are actually good for me. Flip flop, back and forth, and in the midst of all of my emotions and failures, God is still the same, and He still loves me. How is that possible?
I'm missing home tonight. I feel my failures extra hard tonight. I'm hoping some sense of satisfaction will come from me blogging tonight.
I feel like I have been seeing so much more about myself lately, learning learning learning about who I am, and realizing more and more how much I need to change. That's a good thing, if I can embrace the change. I long so desperately for more in my life, and when I take a good look at it I'm the reason why I can't get to that more. I think to small, and I allow things in my life that I know won't truly challenge me.
Recently I have been extremely challenged to start opening my heart and mind up to things that seem to BIG for me. This comes as a result of just simply getting very sick of the mundane in my life. God has been preparing me for more and I have been pushing it off. It goes back to that one step forward two steps back scenario. I WANT to let it in more than anything, I desire more than ANYTHING to live the Life that God has for me, and to be in His will and to glorify Him, but desire only takes a person so far. I have not pushed myself to start doing anything of real challenge in a long time, and it's time for that to end.
I really feel like I'm supposed to do BIG things, and I really feel called to write a book, and that is something I'm actually going to dive in and start really taking over. It seems way to big for me, and yet that is the biggest indicator that I'm finally thinking in God's direction. I will need Him to speak for me, what could I write about that hasn't already been written about? But if God is calling me to do this it will have to be His words, His plan. I long to inspire, to speak and encourage and I just don't know what outlet that is going to take on, but I am ready to throw myself off the cliff and trust God's plan on how I'm actually going to land without breaking into a million pieces.
I feel really scattered, I'm afraid of my own human short comings, I'm slightly heartbroken, I'm mad at myself, I'm homesick....BUT I can boast proudly in what the Lord has done in me, and I will boast to Glorify God. And as I turn my gaze to connect with the overwhelmingly beautiful eyes of my Jesus I start to see that what is "scattered" can be smoothed out by God's POWER, my short comings are covered in the BLOOD of the Lamb, my broken heart can be healed by the intense LOVE of my Savior, my anger towards myself can be turned into a righteous motivation to change my ways to GLORIFY Jesus, and my longing to be "home" will never cease until I am standing before those pearly gates.

So until then, may I never stop being honest about what a broken person I am, but may I always follow that up with a BOASTING in the Lord and what He has done for me. Lord keep me from losing eye contact with You. Thank you for not allowing me to be satisfied with less than the greatest you have for me.