I feel like my life is always one step forward two steps back, but for the most part it's my fault that it continues to be that way.
I talk to much when I should just keep my mouth shut, I shut my mouth up when I should speak up, I allow things into my life that shouldn't be there and I cut out things that are actually good for me. Flip flop, back and forth, and in the midst of all of my emotions and failures, God is still the same, and He still loves me. How is that possible?
I'm missing home tonight. I feel my failures extra hard tonight. I'm hoping some sense of satisfaction will come from me blogging tonight.
I feel like I have been seeing so much more about myself lately, learning learning learning about who I am, and realizing more and more how much I need to change. That's a good thing, if I can embrace the change. I long so desperately for more in my life, and when I take a good look at it I'm the reason why I can't get to that more. I think to small, and I allow things in my life that I know won't truly challenge me.
Recently I have been extremely challenged to start opening my heart and mind up to things that seem to BIG for me. This comes as a result of just simply getting very sick of the mundane in my life. God has been preparing me for more and I have been pushing it off. It goes back to that one step forward two steps back scenario. I WANT to let it in more than anything, I desire more than ANYTHING to live the Life that God has for me, and to be in His will and to glorify Him, but desire only takes a person so far. I have not pushed myself to start doing anything of real challenge in a long time, and it's time for that to end.
I really feel like I'm supposed to do BIG things, and I really feel called to write a book, and that is something I'm actually going to dive in and start really taking over. It seems way to big for me, and yet that is the biggest indicator that I'm finally thinking in God's direction. I will need Him to speak for me, what could I write about that hasn't already been written about? But if God is calling me to do this it will have to be His words, His plan. I long to inspire, to speak and encourage and I just don't know what outlet that is going to take on, but I am ready to throw myself off the cliff and trust God's plan on how I'm actually going to land without breaking into a million pieces.
I feel really scattered, I'm afraid of my own human short comings, I'm slightly heartbroken, I'm mad at myself, I'm homesick....BUT I can boast proudly in what the Lord has done in me, and I will boast to Glorify God. And as I turn my gaze to connect with the overwhelmingly beautiful eyes of my Jesus I start to see that what is "scattered" can be smoothed out by God's POWER, my short comings are covered in the BLOOD of the Lamb, my broken heart can be healed by the intense LOVE of my Savior, my anger towards myself can be turned into a righteous motivation to change my ways to GLORIFY Jesus, and my longing to be "home" will never cease until I am standing before those pearly gates.
So until then, may I never stop being honest about what a broken person I am, but may I always follow that up with a BOASTING in the Lord and what He has done for me. Lord keep me from losing eye contact with You. Thank you for not allowing me to be satisfied with less than the greatest you have for me.
