I don't have very long to write this but I just had to tell everyone what an AMAZING God we serve. I always think I know the capacity of His amazingness in my best moments with Him, and then He just one-up's Himself everytime! :)
I had a rough night last night, just found out some disappointing news and it hit me harder than I had expected, but I had a couple beers and a LONG heart to heart with God which at least helped me sleep, but I didn't feel much better. This morning though God woke me up early and I went on this loooong walk, cranked my ipod up full blast with worship music and thought that would do the trick. All of that was great, but I had no idea how God would show up.
I made it down to this place called sunset cliffs which overlooks the ocean, and was just overwhelmed by His presence and had to stop. I just stood there, hands on my head feeling so overwhelmed, and NO JOKE I opened my eyes and saw God. Like, not "I saw Him in His creation"...Like I SAW HIS EYES looking straight into mine. It was the most surreal experience, they were HUGE and it's like I couldn't even look at them directly, it's like something that you see only from your peripheral vision that you know is there but you can't look directly at...but I was looking directly at them. And they were HUGE, I could still see the ocean and sky behind them, but they were taking up my whole viewpoint, and yet I felt like if I reached out I could kiss Him! It's hard to describe, but I just felt Him staring at me, looking deep into me, and lovingly, powerfully, and full of grace and deep deep love I heard Him say "I can't take my eyes off of you", in such a way that I just thought I was going to start sobbing, but I couldn't cry, I could only stand there staring back into His eyes.
THEN, once I finally found my footing again and kept walking I could still see His eyes, although they faded eventually, but I was praying in faith that I would be healed of this loneliness that came about whenever I focused on my fears, and this Hillsong song came on my i-pod and during this part where it repeats over and over "Fire fall down, fire fall down, Your fire fall down on us...as we seek you" over and over and I saw SO CLEARLY all of you guys! All of my people who LOVE Jesus and all of my dearest friends and family, plus people who I have just recently met at church or wherever that are a part of this family of Christ and we were all belting it out together. I physically saw a massive army of us standing together and worshiping in a very powerful way. It wasn't all kumbaya and stuff, we were fighting this battle in song, and we were doing it together. My dad was there, my grandma was there, I saw very clearly Lyndsay Dean, Jeff and Liz Jacob, my mom and a bunch of other people in my direct sphere, but then it was like I was hovering above all of us and saw so many of us! There were hundreds of us, and those were just all the people that I knew! I have never felt LESS alone.
God spoke to me in pictures this morning, and it was the most powerful thing to knock me out of my mood and remind me that this is a REAL battle that we fight everyday. The battle that is going on all around us is powerful, and if we lose sight for a second it can overwhelm us.
I forget that I was born into a world at war, and I'm not talking about the one in the Middle East. It is real, and the enemy has been out to destroy me since my first breath that I took. But I stand victorious, knowing that there is a God who is so in love with me that He can't take His eyes off of me, that I am holy and blameless in His sight, and that I am VICTORIOUS because He has already declared this victory, I just have to keep walking and keep watching for how I can be used in this battle.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Pretty exciting things coming up...could use your prayers :)
I have a feeling the next couple of weeks are going to be very great. But why can't I have that feeling all the time? God has claimed me as His own, therefore I have Him on my side, therefore...there is nothing to fear. Psalm 27, Psalm 27, Psalm 27...I need to always be reminded.
I get fearful, and frustrated, and bored, and sad, and regretful...on and on and on. And NONE of these things are from the Lord whatsoever. He sees me as Holy and Blameless in His sight...absolutely amazing. I fear my own self, my own flesh, my own desires. I fear my failures at being a good testimony, I fail at this all the time. But! At least I can say that I continue to walk forward in my learning process, and I am one of the biggest examples of the Grace of God that there could ever be! :) So there Satan, stick that in your mouth and chew it.
Through a series of extremely out of the blue circumstances including a karaoke DJ I've only briefly met over the years at one of our fav West Linn hot spots the saloon, (SHOUT OUT WEST LINN SALOON PEEPS! You know who you are;)), I have received an opportunity to serve at a church camp for some underprivileged youth up in Northern California next week. I seriously don't know anyone, and I barely know my new friend Kris who has hooked me up with this (although I feel like I've known you forever buddy and am EXTREMELY excited for your connection!) I found out Kris is a pretty awesome guy who works in social work (which I'm most likely going to be going back to school for in the fall...ahem, possibly in Portland), and loves Jesus...aaand did I mention I just happened to have that time off of work fully paid for because the girl I work for is going to be out of town? I had the time off long before I even found out about this camp...so I'm thinking God has something up His very large sleeve and I'm looking forward to it, even though I'm a bit nervous. But I'm actually not as nervous as I thought I'd be!
On my way north I'm going to be able to meet up with dear friend's Dean and Cindy who will be in Oceanside, and then as I continue up the mighty fine state of Cali I'm going to be spending some MUCH needed time with Kristine Sommer at her new home in the L.A. area. I can't even begin to describe how much I'm going to enjoy catching up over lunch and hanging with her fam...then onto the camp, followed by caravaning back down the mighty fine state of Cali stopping off at...where else? Disneyland!! So stoked.
All in all, God is good, even when I am horribly bad...and I'm overwhelmed by His blessings in my life. SO! I will "hold my head high above my enemies who surround me" Psalm 27:6 and boast in what the Lord has done and continues to do for even the likes of me.
Please be praying for this camp if you think of it; for the students, the staff and leaders...There is so much to look forward too, and so much left to be done. Thank you :)
Please keep me in your prayers as well, for my ability to serve whole heartedly at this camp not holding anything back, and for some big decisions I have coming up regarding where I'm going to be headed and what I'm going to be doing the next few months. Love to you all!
I get fearful, and frustrated, and bored, and sad, and regretful...on and on and on. And NONE of these things are from the Lord whatsoever. He sees me as Holy and Blameless in His sight...absolutely amazing. I fear my own self, my own flesh, my own desires. I fear my failures at being a good testimony, I fail at this all the time. But! At least I can say that I continue to walk forward in my learning process, and I am one of the biggest examples of the Grace of God that there could ever be! :) So there Satan, stick that in your mouth and chew it.
Through a series of extremely out of the blue circumstances including a karaoke DJ I've only briefly met over the years at one of our fav West Linn hot spots the saloon, (SHOUT OUT WEST LINN SALOON PEEPS! You know who you are;)), I have received an opportunity to serve at a church camp for some underprivileged youth up in Northern California next week. I seriously don't know anyone, and I barely know my new friend Kris who has hooked me up with this (although I feel like I've known you forever buddy and am EXTREMELY excited for your connection!) I found out Kris is a pretty awesome guy who works in social work (which I'm most likely going to be going back to school for in the fall...ahem, possibly in Portland), and loves Jesus...aaand did I mention I just happened to have that time off of work fully paid for because the girl I work for is going to be out of town? I had the time off long before I even found out about this camp...so I'm thinking God has something up His very large sleeve and I'm looking forward to it, even though I'm a bit nervous. But I'm actually not as nervous as I thought I'd be!
On my way north I'm going to be able to meet up with dear friend's Dean and Cindy who will be in Oceanside, and then as I continue up the mighty fine state of Cali I'm going to be spending some MUCH needed time with Kristine Sommer at her new home in the L.A. area. I can't even begin to describe how much I'm going to enjoy catching up over lunch and hanging with her fam...then onto the camp, followed by caravaning back down the mighty fine state of Cali stopping off at...where else? Disneyland!! So stoked.
All in all, God is good, even when I am horribly bad...and I'm overwhelmed by His blessings in my life. SO! I will "hold my head high above my enemies who surround me" Psalm 27:6 and boast in what the Lord has done and continues to do for even the likes of me.
Please be praying for this camp if you think of it; for the students, the staff and leaders...There is so much to look forward too, and so much left to be done. Thank you :)
Please keep me in your prayers as well, for my ability to serve whole heartedly at this camp not holding anything back, and for some big decisions I have coming up regarding where I'm going to be headed and what I'm going to be doing the next few months. Love to you all!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
trying to be more than a quote...
It has been a little bit since I've written. One excuse is that I've been really busy, and then the truth is just that I haven't really felt like writing. Not in a bad way necessarily, I just haven't been in the mood. It's been a crazy last month or so though, my mom came and visited me :) and then one of my great friends Andrea came to see me. Both trips included plenty of planned and un-planned adventures. Then I was in Georgia for my cousins wedding which was so amazing. I LOVE being with my family, I love being with friends both new and old, I love staying up all night celebrating haha :) It was just a good time all around.
I have been doing more writing in private lately rather than on this blog and realized I'm challenged to just stop talking so much. To shut my mouth about my opinions and rather start living in a much more up-standing way, therefore being an example of my opinions. I'm not saying that I'm going to stop writing or that I don't think words matter, but what are our words if not backed up by something? When it really comes down to it, words are words, but it's the heart and the life behind them that matter.
I love going to Coronado Island down here and walking around the old Hotel Del Coronado. Part of what gets me are the tales of it being haunted. I love stuff like that. And I definitely believe in the spiritual world, in what context that is in reality I don't know, but I just love learning about it and hearing about scary stories. There's this gift shop in the hotel that has a book about the hauntings and I go in and read it and walk around...sort of weird but whatever :)
There's also basically a shrine to Marilyn Monroe because the old movie "Some Like it Hot" was filmed there. This got me thinking, and I am just as guilty as the next person on this next thought...So many people quote her, look up to her, and this goes for pretty much any other celebrity (again, I am including myself in this I promise!), and then you read about the reality of her life (which I have considering I'm obsessed with biographies) and it's filled with depression, drugs, a constant desire to just be loved, ending in a very lonely, young, empty death. And yet we idealize her life, her quotes on being "young and alive and free and defiant and strong! etc..." when really she maybe wanted to be those...but the desire only really made it into a quote, not a life.
I don't want to be summed up by my quotes, my declarations, my spoken desires to be more than I am. I want to be summed up by my life, my actions. I fail at this, but I think to a point we all do, it's just recognizing this and actually trying to DO something about it rather than write about it (ironic that I'm writing about it)or post inspirational quotes (guilty again). None of these things are wrong, but it has to be BACKED UP by our lives and actions.
I can attest personally to the frailty of words spoken with no action. When my dad died nothing anyone said could help, but those that were there, the hugs, the shared tears, that is what I remember. The other night my roommate was having a horrible time and all I could do was hold her, I didn't even try to say anything. There was nothing to say. But I could be there for her.
Sometimes the nicest thing we can do is keep our mouths shut. No derogatory words, no "I told you so's", just pure love, grace, acceptance. Not saying anything can be the greatest act of love at times.
So there I've said it! :) This is a pretty obvious problem in our society, but I really am going to try and make a difference in my life in this area. I take this on as my own personal challenge, to shut my mouth at times and just listen to the Holy Spirit and how He's leading me to actually love, to only write about things if I truly intend for my life to reflect it, and then make that more than an intention and turn it into a reality.
Thanks for listening :) Now hopefully I'll be able to act out my love to ya'll...there's a little of my adopted-by-choice southern Georgia accent I wish I had.
Until next time...let's go live!
I have been doing more writing in private lately rather than on this blog and realized I'm challenged to just stop talking so much. To shut my mouth about my opinions and rather start living in a much more up-standing way, therefore being an example of my opinions. I'm not saying that I'm going to stop writing or that I don't think words matter, but what are our words if not backed up by something? When it really comes down to it, words are words, but it's the heart and the life behind them that matter.
I love going to Coronado Island down here and walking around the old Hotel Del Coronado. Part of what gets me are the tales of it being haunted. I love stuff like that. And I definitely believe in the spiritual world, in what context that is in reality I don't know, but I just love learning about it and hearing about scary stories. There's this gift shop in the hotel that has a book about the hauntings and I go in and read it and walk around...sort of weird but whatever :)
There's also basically a shrine to Marilyn Monroe because the old movie "Some Like it Hot" was filmed there. This got me thinking, and I am just as guilty as the next person on this next thought...So many people quote her, look up to her, and this goes for pretty much any other celebrity (again, I am including myself in this I promise!), and then you read about the reality of her life (which I have considering I'm obsessed with biographies) and it's filled with depression, drugs, a constant desire to just be loved, ending in a very lonely, young, empty death. And yet we idealize her life, her quotes on being "young and alive and free and defiant and strong! etc..." when really she maybe wanted to be those...but the desire only really made it into a quote, not a life.
I don't want to be summed up by my quotes, my declarations, my spoken desires to be more than I am. I want to be summed up by my life, my actions. I fail at this, but I think to a point we all do, it's just recognizing this and actually trying to DO something about it rather than write about it (ironic that I'm writing about it)or post inspirational quotes (guilty again). None of these things are wrong, but it has to be BACKED UP by our lives and actions.
I can attest personally to the frailty of words spoken with no action. When my dad died nothing anyone said could help, but those that were there, the hugs, the shared tears, that is what I remember. The other night my roommate was having a horrible time and all I could do was hold her, I didn't even try to say anything. There was nothing to say. But I could be there for her.
Sometimes the nicest thing we can do is keep our mouths shut. No derogatory words, no "I told you so's", just pure love, grace, acceptance. Not saying anything can be the greatest act of love at times.
So there I've said it! :) This is a pretty obvious problem in our society, but I really am going to try and make a difference in my life in this area. I take this on as my own personal challenge, to shut my mouth at times and just listen to the Holy Spirit and how He's leading me to actually love, to only write about things if I truly intend for my life to reflect it, and then make that more than an intention and turn it into a reality.
Thanks for listening :) Now hopefully I'll be able to act out my love to ya'll...there's a little of my adopted-by-choice southern Georgia accent I wish I had.
Until next time...let's go live!
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