I don't have very long to write this but I just had to tell everyone what an AMAZING God we serve. I always think I know the capacity of His amazingness in my best moments with Him, and then He just one-up's Himself everytime! :)
I had a rough night last night, just found out some disappointing news and it hit me harder than I had expected, but I had a couple beers and a LONG heart to heart with God which at least helped me sleep, but I didn't feel much better. This morning though God woke me up early and I went on this loooong walk, cranked my ipod up full blast with worship music and thought that would do the trick. All of that was great, but I had no idea how God would show up.
I made it down to this place called sunset cliffs which overlooks the ocean, and was just overwhelmed by His presence and had to stop. I just stood there, hands on my head feeling so overwhelmed, and NO JOKE I opened my eyes and saw God. Like, not "I saw Him in His creation"...Like I SAW HIS EYES looking straight into mine. It was the most surreal experience, they were HUGE and it's like I couldn't even look at them directly, it's like something that you see only from your peripheral vision that you know is there but you can't look directly at...but I was looking directly at them. And they were HUGE, I could still see the ocean and sky behind them, but they were taking up my whole viewpoint, and yet I felt like if I reached out I could kiss Him! It's hard to describe, but I just felt Him staring at me, looking deep into me, and lovingly, powerfully, and full of grace and deep deep love I heard Him say "I can't take my eyes off of you", in such a way that I just thought I was going to start sobbing, but I couldn't cry, I could only stand there staring back into His eyes.
THEN, once I finally found my footing again and kept walking I could still see His eyes, although they faded eventually, but I was praying in faith that I would be healed of this loneliness that came about whenever I focused on my fears, and this Hillsong song came on my i-pod and during this part where it repeats over and over "Fire fall down, fire fall down, Your fire fall down on us...as we seek you" over and over and I saw SO CLEARLY all of you guys! All of my people who LOVE Jesus and all of my dearest friends and family, plus people who I have just recently met at church or wherever that are a part of this family of Christ and we were all belting it out together. I physically saw a massive army of us standing together and worshiping in a very powerful way. It wasn't all kumbaya and stuff, we were fighting this battle in song, and we were doing it together. My dad was there, my grandma was there, I saw very clearly Lyndsay Dean, Jeff and Liz Jacob, my mom and a bunch of other people in my direct sphere, but then it was like I was hovering above all of us and saw so many of us! There were hundreds of us, and those were just all the people that I knew! I have never felt LESS alone.
God spoke to me in pictures this morning, and it was the most powerful thing to knock me out of my mood and remind me that this is a REAL battle that we fight everyday. The battle that is going on all around us is powerful, and if we lose sight for a second it can overwhelm us.
I forget that I was born into a world at war, and I'm not talking about the one in the Middle East. It is real, and the enemy has been out to destroy me since my first breath that I took. But I stand victorious, knowing that there is a God who is so in love with me that He can't take His eyes off of me, that I am holy and blameless in His sight, and that I am VICTORIOUS because He has already declared this victory, I just have to keep walking and keep watching for how I can be used in this battle.
