First of all, I just have to say that I love my friends so so much! It was so good to be back with my small group tonight, even if it was a little weird not living there or leading it anymore :) It was a nice place to be with nice people to be with. P.S., Marissa....SO PROUD OF YOU GIRL! LOVE IT! And LIZ, everything you are doing for me...you are so amazing. How could I ever ask for a friend better than you?!? I don't know how I'm going to say goodbye to you all, but God is SO good. He knows, and that's all I need to know.
So last night was a big night for me. I feel like most of my life I've been running from my calling. I feel like it's always been something I've resented on some level. I've always felt set apart, but I've always hated that. I wanted and tried for so long to be just like everyone else. I have had a hard time reconciling my crazy fun side with my very deep and quiet side and figuring out how to glorify God in all of that. And I've always been so irritated to some degree that I "know better". Why can't I just be like everyone else and not feel bad about it later?!?
I've given up bits and pieces before, small steps at a time, and then usually I would fall back and resent it again and yet at the same time feel so incredibly honored to be set apart. It was driving me crazy! And then, last night happened. And the effect is still just as strong if not stronger. It's funny because all day I was just overcome with the presence of God. It wasn't in a weird overly-religious sense of God, it was just SO real, and deep, and usually when I start to feel that way, I push it away, because honestly, it's to much for me sometimes! I get so overwhelmed and don't know how to handle it. That's how I started to feel at Sam's concert. He had so much passion for what he was doing, and was so in his element and was jumping around on stage and dancing. And then they showed a video of some footage he had put together from a trip he took to Sri Lanka, and I almost lost it. I was so frustrated because I saw that and I was like "I want to go there too!" And that's what i ALWAYS do! I can't help it, I not only have a desire to go everywhere, but I seriously feel this HUGE calling on my life, and the "hugeness" of it HIT me last night so hard. But this time I didn't let myself push it away. I did find Cheri after the concert and literally broke down, I'm talking shaking, crying, babbling...the whole bit :) I was just so frustrated. Sam has this passion, but he has an outlet for it! I felt like I had no outlet for mine! But this time, like I said, I didn't want God to stop, so just started praying "God, what you're doing is so BIG, and I may not know how to process all of this at once, but keep doing whatever you're doing...DON'T STOP, just show me how to handle this." I felt so consumed by this HUGE realization of the calling He has placed on my life, I used to resent it because it was to much, but it's like I had no choice this time, and what I really think was happening was that God finally saw that I was ready, whether I realized it or not.
So I left the concert and I just started driving, and I just knew I needed to go to a place where I could be alone with God and think and just let whatever He was doing in me continue. I ended up out at Dean and Cindy McGregor's place without really thinking about where I was going. They live on the river and have an amazingly peaceful dock. I ran in their house and scared Cindy (sorry bout that;)) and barely made it down to the dock without just feeling like I was falling apart. I just sat there and cried and cried and cried (I'm actually a little embarrassed sharing this part, but oh well). But, again, I didn't want Him to stop. See I just started talking to Him and releasing all of my fears and all of my desires. I get so afraid that I'm never going to be content, and He showed me that He has called me to BIG BIG BIG things and that feeling of wanting to see more is from Him. I know that what I'm called to is much more than just Nicaragua, even if I'm in Nicaragua forever, I know I'm not even BEGINNING to see the miracles that He is going to show me and use me for. I am saying this completely in humility, but I just know in my soul that I am meant for great things. I need to be ready for GOD, not be ready for what's next. We may never be ready for what's around the corner, but that's why it's around the corner where we can't see it, because God needs us to be fully dependent on Him before we can step around the corner. I finally calmed down and just laid down there and looked at the stars and just felt so consumed and surrounded by my KING. I feel like He brought me to a place last night that I have NEVER been, a place where I was so fully surrendered to Him, and I have finally finally finally after all of these years, come to a place where I fully accept the hugeness of this calling. I'm done running, I'm done resenting the fact that He has set me apart. Cindy came down after a while and we had a great talk, I was SO thankful. I felt like things were said that needed to be said and that God has restored one of my favorite friendships that I have in the world. It felt like no time had passed!
I went to Shari's afterward with my Bible and my book for a "Father/Daughter date" (me and God). I just couldn't go home yet or go to bed. So I got coffee and hashbrowns, and opened my Bible to James because we have just started studying that in church. And in the section we went over at church there was one verse highlighted that was so perfect:
"For when your faith is tested, your endurance grows. So let it grow! For when your endurance is fully developed you will be strong in character and READY FOR ANYTHING." James 1:3-4
I swear, nothing's better than Shari's hashbrowns by the way ;) Goodnight everyone
