I'm sitting in Borders right now and can't seem to shut my mind off. I leave in less than a week to start my drive down to San Diego. Even though that is the day to take off, I don't feel like that date holds a whole lot of weight when it comes to my life as a whole. I feel this feeling of anticipation at what's coming that is almost overwhelming. I was starting to get really worried last night, mostly about money OF COURSE, dang money, and I was reminded almost immediately as I started "praying" (actually more like worrying to God), that I needed to change my mind set and start thanking God in advance for everything He was going to bring me and do for me. He's already provided an awesome apartment, a great job possibility, and that's all I can SEE right now which means there is so much more that He has planned, I just need to be ready and stop thinking about it so much...which brings me to what really inspired me to blog today.
This may be a bit of a controversial statement...but something has been really heavy on my heart lately, and that is that I think we THINK too too much. I have always been absolutely intrigued with biographies and learning about people's lives. People make fun of me for it a lot, but I am enthralled with celebrities lives, and it's not at all because I envy them or want to be them (ok, maybe I envy the stylish new purse's these girls can always afford and the amazing outfits and shoes) but honestly the reason I always read about them and want to watch biographies about them is because human life absolutely amazes me. I was just reading this biography on Michael Jackson in the "biography aisle" here in borders. It was a book about a taped interview/conversation with a rabbi and it was incredibly depressing. Really when it comes down to it, everyone is searching and searching for some sort of purpose in this life. And I find it incredible to see how each individual person does that, I find it incredible and depressing at the same time.
I am convinced that every form of art, whether it's on a canvass, a movie screen or a page out of a book is driven directly by the author/creator's desire to understand the purpose of this life, and it always can be tied back to our Creator, or lack there of in the author's mind. But there's always a battle for good and evil, and there's always a desire for good to win, or an anger at the fact that good doesn't always win. Whether or not the person who is creating the art realizes it or not or whether they would fight me to the death over whether or not there even exists an ultimate creator, it doesn't change my opinion that the source of their creativity comes from a desire in them to get closer to a purpose, and to God, in this life.
I have realized that I have been wondering so much what God is up to in my life. I have been trying to make up reasons as to why He possibly could have told me to go to Nicaragua, and then change it to San Diego. I have wondered if I heard Him wrong all together. When I was changing my plans from San Diego to Nicaragua I had a multitude of reasons why God was setting me up for this and how He had worked it all out....and now the tables have flipped once more and I started to do the whole "reasoning" thing again. And I was so convicted of this lately. Between conversations I've had with friends recently or by reading a biography on Michael Jackson and having the passion of learning about people's lives re-ignited, I have realized that we think entirely to much. People have always had a power struggle with God, even angels have resulting in the beginning of the battle between Good and Evil. God is no stranger to this battle, Jesus didn't even trust human nature when He was here on Earth, and he was open about that! He wasn't down here smelling flowers and singing to the birds proclaiming everything beautiful and good....but I digress. My point is that people literally die still trying to "figure out" life, resulting in never having fully lived life themselves.
So my question is not, "what's the point of life", but "what's the point of trying to figure it out?" In my experience, the best most miraculous things have happened when I have come completely abandoned and even a little irritated to God, but totally and completely open to what He has planned next without trying to figure out why. Isn't that ultimate trust? Saying YES to God without knowing what He has up His sleeve? I am not putting down knowledge at all! And I highly value the study of everything, especially the Word and God. But there needs to be a place where we're able to give God our whole lives before understanding it all, because we never will. I want to go forward in my life one day at a time, and not waste any opportunity to dump all of my burdens on my Jesus without even having to know what all of my burdens are. That is when we start living in freedom, and that is the very heart God has for us! By holding on to our lives and only moving forward once we understand everything, it robs Jesus of being able to be Lord of our lives and it robs us of having true freedom. So I say we say YES to Jesus today, and screw understanding everything, and then I truly believe that with that level of abandonment to God, we will be shown things we couldn't have understood with our mere human minds and hearts unless we completely abandoned those things to God in the first place, and we will be more centered and knowledgeable than ever before to the very heart of Jesus Christ.
So that's what my goal in life is going to be. To always obey, and to stop trying to explain an entity who is so far above our human capacity of understanding that we, and many have, will waste our lives trying to explain why everything happened. If we do that we are only robbing ourselves of being able to experience the unexplainable miracles that God so longs to shower us with.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Expect Expect Expect
Hey everyone! I thought I should give a little update as to what is going on in my life, as we all know, that changes a lot. It's hard for me that it changes a lot. Part of it is exciting, but part of it frustrates me. People will say "you have the whole world ahead of you!!" and I'm like...ya? and that's a good thing??? Don't get me wrong, I am so excited at the prospect of anything happening and having so many options, but at the same time I kind of hate that. It's like, once I would love to just settle down with something...or someone. But I am very hopeful for the future. I am so hopeful, and yet so ready to move on because of that hope! I am ready to leave town! I don't mean this in any negative way about anything or anyone who is here right now in Portland, I'm just so ready to start building a new chapter.
Speaking of! I'm packing up whatever fits in my beetle and hitting the road a week from Monday, November 2nd, to head directly to San Francisco the first day. I might have a friend driving with me which would be so fun! Then I'll spend a couple days in SF with a friend and then head down to LA to see Elli and Lynz, Destiny, Berge, Rachel, Gina, Mickey, Minnie..everyone! :) haha. Then a few days later I'll make my last little hop down to SD. I am almost positive that I will have a job starting in January nannying which would be awesome because the schedule and money would enable me to satart taking classes again! I also am 99.99% sure that I have an apartment with two awesome girls to move into starting in November. God is so good! He literally put both of these awesome opportunities (job and apartment) right into my lap. I didn't try to get or ask for any of them. Isn't it crazy how when we try so hard to make things work it is so stressful, and when we just give up total control to God He makes the path THAT MUCH GREATER! My apartment is 1.5 miles from Ocean Beach and 5 miles from downtown and amazingly affordable and nice! God is good. Plus He's given me two great, fun, Christian girls to live with...so much more to that story but summed up...God always knows what we need and WANT and wants to bless us!
I mentioned I'm ready to leave, I think it's just because it's honestly hard to still be here, sort of feeling a little "phased out" with my friends here, and not having a job (although I have been working for Bob a bit for some big projects he had, which is such a blessing financially!). But it's just hard to see everyone moving on with their lives and plans for the fall, not saying this shouldn't happen at all! It's just hard to not be able to be a part of the plans and still not yet be in my new place I'm headed to. It's just limbo...and limbo sucks sometimes.
My brother and I had lunch the other day though and I was sort of venting to him because it's hard to still come to grips with the zigzag God's sort of led me on the last few weeks. Part of me even worries that it will give a negative example to others about God because I was so sure that God had called me to Nicaragua, and I don't want it to look like I was just to afraid or backed out because I didn't want to do it, because honestly, I feel like going to San Diego after making other plans is testing my faith more than anything else. And that's what my brother pointed out. He asked me where my faith was now compared to when I came home from Nicaragua, and I know it's honestly deeper now. And I know that's worth it for everything I'm experiencing right now. And that's good for me to focus on because it's sometimes hard to stay hopeful.
So this is my last week in Ptown for a while! I'm sad to leave, it's exciting, but it's really sad for me still. But I KNOW that God has so so so much for me in this next chapter of my life. It was so cool, because I went to a church plant last Saturday night called Door of Hope in the Hawthorn district and he was talking about how if we want to see revival in our cities or families or countries, we must first have a revival in us. And I started hearing from God to EXPECT GREAT THINGS TO COME. Expect Expect Expect. Well then last Wednesday I went to worship night at Southlake and Kip got up and challenged everyone that God was wanting to tell us to EXPECT MORE! I got goosebumps everywhere. It was just so confirming that God is wanting to seriously do more and show me more of Him than EVER before. And I need a revival in me to see great things around me. And I think I'm ready :) Plus it doesn't hurt that I'll be able to walk to an amazing sunny beach at my disposal :) Thank you Jesus!
Call me! I want to see everyone next week before I leave! Love you all!!!
Speaking of! I'm packing up whatever fits in my beetle and hitting the road a week from Monday, November 2nd, to head directly to San Francisco the first day. I might have a friend driving with me which would be so fun! Then I'll spend a couple days in SF with a friend and then head down to LA to see Elli and Lynz, Destiny, Berge, Rachel, Gina, Mickey, Minnie..everyone! :) haha. Then a few days later I'll make my last little hop down to SD. I am almost positive that I will have a job starting in January nannying which would be awesome because the schedule and money would enable me to satart taking classes again! I also am 99.99% sure that I have an apartment with two awesome girls to move into starting in November. God is so good! He literally put both of these awesome opportunities (job and apartment) right into my lap. I didn't try to get or ask for any of them. Isn't it crazy how when we try so hard to make things work it is so stressful, and when we just give up total control to God He makes the path THAT MUCH GREATER! My apartment is 1.5 miles from Ocean Beach and 5 miles from downtown and amazingly affordable and nice! God is good. Plus He's given me two great, fun, Christian girls to live with...so much more to that story but summed up...God always knows what we need and WANT and wants to bless us!
I mentioned I'm ready to leave, I think it's just because it's honestly hard to still be here, sort of feeling a little "phased out" with my friends here, and not having a job (although I have been working for Bob a bit for some big projects he had, which is such a blessing financially!). But it's just hard to see everyone moving on with their lives and plans for the fall, not saying this shouldn't happen at all! It's just hard to not be able to be a part of the plans and still not yet be in my new place I'm headed to. It's just limbo...and limbo sucks sometimes.
My brother and I had lunch the other day though and I was sort of venting to him because it's hard to still come to grips with the zigzag God's sort of led me on the last few weeks. Part of me even worries that it will give a negative example to others about God because I was so sure that God had called me to Nicaragua, and I don't want it to look like I was just to afraid or backed out because I didn't want to do it, because honestly, I feel like going to San Diego after making other plans is testing my faith more than anything else. And that's what my brother pointed out. He asked me where my faith was now compared to when I came home from Nicaragua, and I know it's honestly deeper now. And I know that's worth it for everything I'm experiencing right now. And that's good for me to focus on because it's sometimes hard to stay hopeful.
So this is my last week in Ptown for a while! I'm sad to leave, it's exciting, but it's really sad for me still. But I KNOW that God has so so so much for me in this next chapter of my life. It was so cool, because I went to a church plant last Saturday night called Door of Hope in the Hawthorn district and he was talking about how if we want to see revival in our cities or families or countries, we must first have a revival in us. And I started hearing from God to EXPECT GREAT THINGS TO COME. Expect Expect Expect. Well then last Wednesday I went to worship night at Southlake and Kip got up and challenged everyone that God was wanting to tell us to EXPECT MORE! I got goosebumps everywhere. It was just so confirming that God is wanting to seriously do more and show me more of Him than EVER before. And I need a revival in me to see great things around me. And I think I'm ready :) Plus it doesn't hurt that I'll be able to walk to an amazing sunny beach at my disposal :) Thank you Jesus!
Call me! I want to see everyone next week before I leave! Love you all!!!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
...and here I was feeling worthless...
Considering it's late and I'm exhausted, this shouldn't take long....famous last words. :) Wow though! I need to write about my mood change because the last post I made was super depressing! Sorry about that...by the way. I'm not changing the name of my blog, because I still feel like it represents my time in life right now, just figuring out who I'm meant to be in this great big world of God's...just thought I'd say that. I realize I write "...."'s and ":)"'s a lot too, but I'm not going to stop.
I woke up today and recognized an immediate difference in my state of mind. I glimpsed my joy again :) No different decisions were made, no clearer vision or answers, just simply the amazing clarifying recognition of God's faithfulness hit me, I don't know what changed, but that's what's awesome about God's faithfulness...He never changes. He is always faithful. And no matter what mood I'm in, He is the same. In those moments when I "feel" Him so close and I'm on this "God high" per say, He is the same powerful momentous creator as He is on the days when I'm just trying to will myself to get out of bed. Awesome.
I was awakened in life again today by leading and relating with some pretty amazing people today. I had coffee with an incredible couple who have been mentors and friends in my life for a long time and then I had happy hour with one of the girls from my Monday night small group, and I felt so led to encourage her to start stepping up more and growing deeper into her calling, and seeing her face start to recognize that she was made for a greater purpose than she realized honestly made me FREAK OUT with awe and excitement, and I'm seriously getting goosebumps and tears in my eyes thinking about it. That has got to be the most incredible feeling, helping someone realize their worth...and here I was feeling worthless.
I was who I was created to be today. Did that make sense? Oh well :) I was living, breathing, exuding who I was created to be, and the irony of it, all I did was put MYSELF out there and stopped worrying about who I was supposed to be. I stopped beating myself up for feeling guilty over not being good enough. And just hung out with friends, and voila! I became who I was supposed to be in that moment.
You know you can tell when someones being genuine. It's not about perfection, it's about pure honesty and authenticity.
I was spending some time with my Grandma on my way back up from California last week and she volunteers her time (she's 85 by the way, AWESOME woman), helping other "elderly people" (younger than her mostly) get their groceries, clean their homes, get rides to doctor's appointments, etc...So I went with her to help one of her ladies go to the grocery store. This woman isn't really at a disadvantage because of her age but more because of her mental stability. She has some illness in her that has caused her to sort of lose most of her grip on reality. She was nice enough but I have to admit I was getting a little annoyed by a few of her mannerisms or how she would try and just run people over with her grocery cart in the store :) hahaha oh dear....but the point of this story is this...we took her back to her house. It was small, dark, pretty smelly (she has a LOT of cats), and then I looked to my right and saw this baby grand piano. Beautiful. And my grandma told me she used to be a professional piano player. She was actually the piano player for the Johnny Carson show and traveled the world showing off her amazing skill. My grandma asked me if I wanted to hear something and I said I would so she asked her if she'd play for us. I am telling you, as soon as she sat down at that piano something in her face changed. She became alive. She was so into it, her whole body moving with the rapid speed of her fingers barely touching the keys as it turned into this incredible melody. I just stood there in her tiny apartment, tears streaming down my cheeks, wondering how I could have ever judged this woman. She was doing exactly what she had been created to do. That picture will always stand out to me. That's what happens when we allow our skills to fully develope and allow our creator to write our lives just like a peice of music. Going up here, down there, and somehow it all comes together...
As I've made my decision about not going to Nicaragua, I have asked myself, "am I making a mistake? Am I missing my chance to be fully 'in' my calling?" And I realized today, I am wasting time asking those questions when all I'm called to do is let go, and be who I was created to be. Let go, and be. Let go and let God bring me into opportunities where my fingers just start flying over that keyboard of life and start touching lives, always remembering to not neglect my own.
I woke up today and recognized an immediate difference in my state of mind. I glimpsed my joy again :) No different decisions were made, no clearer vision or answers, just simply the amazing clarifying recognition of God's faithfulness hit me, I don't know what changed, but that's what's awesome about God's faithfulness...He never changes. He is always faithful. And no matter what mood I'm in, He is the same. In those moments when I "feel" Him so close and I'm on this "God high" per say, He is the same powerful momentous creator as He is on the days when I'm just trying to will myself to get out of bed. Awesome.
I was awakened in life again today by leading and relating with some pretty amazing people today. I had coffee with an incredible couple who have been mentors and friends in my life for a long time and then I had happy hour with one of the girls from my Monday night small group, and I felt so led to encourage her to start stepping up more and growing deeper into her calling, and seeing her face start to recognize that she was made for a greater purpose than she realized honestly made me FREAK OUT with awe and excitement, and I'm seriously getting goosebumps and tears in my eyes thinking about it. That has got to be the most incredible feeling, helping someone realize their worth...and here I was feeling worthless.
I was who I was created to be today. Did that make sense? Oh well :) I was living, breathing, exuding who I was created to be, and the irony of it, all I did was put MYSELF out there and stopped worrying about who I was supposed to be. I stopped beating myself up for feeling guilty over not being good enough. And just hung out with friends, and voila! I became who I was supposed to be in that moment.
You know you can tell when someones being genuine. It's not about perfection, it's about pure honesty and authenticity.
I was spending some time with my Grandma on my way back up from California last week and she volunteers her time (she's 85 by the way, AWESOME woman), helping other "elderly people" (younger than her mostly) get their groceries, clean their homes, get rides to doctor's appointments, etc...So I went with her to help one of her ladies go to the grocery store. This woman isn't really at a disadvantage because of her age but more because of her mental stability. She has some illness in her that has caused her to sort of lose most of her grip on reality. She was nice enough but I have to admit I was getting a little annoyed by a few of her mannerisms or how she would try and just run people over with her grocery cart in the store :) hahaha oh dear....but the point of this story is this...we took her back to her house. It was small, dark, pretty smelly (she has a LOT of cats), and then I looked to my right and saw this baby grand piano. Beautiful. And my grandma told me she used to be a professional piano player. She was actually the piano player for the Johnny Carson show and traveled the world showing off her amazing skill. My grandma asked me if I wanted to hear something and I said I would so she asked her if she'd play for us. I am telling you, as soon as she sat down at that piano something in her face changed. She became alive. She was so into it, her whole body moving with the rapid speed of her fingers barely touching the keys as it turned into this incredible melody. I just stood there in her tiny apartment, tears streaming down my cheeks, wondering how I could have ever judged this woman. She was doing exactly what she had been created to do. That picture will always stand out to me. That's what happens when we allow our skills to fully develope and allow our creator to write our lives just like a peice of music. Going up here, down there, and somehow it all comes together...
As I've made my decision about not going to Nicaragua, I have asked myself, "am I making a mistake? Am I missing my chance to be fully 'in' my calling?" And I realized today, I am wasting time asking those questions when all I'm called to do is let go, and be who I was created to be. Let go, and be. Let go and let God bring me into opportunities where my fingers just start flying over that keyboard of life and start touching lives, always remembering to not neglect my own.
Monday, October 12, 2009
A little glimpse into my scattered self at the moment...
I want to constantly learn, grow, etc...at least that's what I say. But what happens when that's not actually how I feel? How do you stop from falling into a guilt trip that God never intended for us to live under? I'm not depressed, just having depressed-like tendencies :) I feel...well, I haven't given myself a chance to feel right now. I am trying to avoid any deep thinking/feeling, which is why the thought of sitting down and writing out how I'm doing currently has been a thing of pure avoidance lately. But I know I can't do this forever. I don't know how to focus my thoughts and make them make sense to anyone right now, and I don't want to submit everyone else to my crazy state of mind right now, so you might want to stop reading now! :)
I have been doing anything to just keep my mind from actually having to really think, and yet that is completely pointless since it goes just as fast regardless of what I try to make it do. I feel peace about my decision to not go to Nicaragua, and I feel peace about my decision to continue with my original plans to move to San Diego. Peace of the soul, however, does not always equal peace of the mind. I can understand now why God tells us what a powerful thing the mind is, and why we need to submit control of our mind to Him. But I just can't seem to even want to go that far yet, I'm afraid of my mind right now and I'm confused as to what the heck I'm doing with my life. I am hopeful for the future, I am just completely blind to it as of this moment. I'm thankful for the hope though, otherwise I would be, well, a lot worse than I am now.
Last night a friend saved me with an invitation to a stupid comedic movie I knew nothing about. I joked with him that it saved my sanity...but it really did. I needed to check out. Big time. Earlier in the evening I was just kind of wandering aimlessly around the streets of Portland. I did have a nice Chai latte so I was actually pretty happy :) I walked into a Borders and started to go down the Christian literature aisle and practically ran away from it to the Cd's. I didn't want to read one more thing about what to do when you feel like you're in a confusing spot, or when plans change on you or when you don't' know what the heck is going on...I just don't want to go there. It's so overwhelming to me. So it was fitting that right after that I got into an extended conversation with a homeless man over 48 cents and shoes. Ah, it was wonderful :)
I don't know if this is even a bad thing. I start to feel guilty about not doing much with my days and for "running away" from any sort of deep thinking by watching episodes of "community" online (AMAZING show by the way if you like dumb humor and laughing constantly!), or if I should actually be thankful for this time to just relax a bit. I do need to be spending more time with God than I have been though. I don't know why I'm running from that, but I am not running from Him, I just can't stand the idea of sitting and being still with Him and His word right now. I want to be doing something, moving, not sitting still. I know some of that has to do with the fact that I don't have a "home", a "place" to just go and call my own. But I guess that is just Jesus for now, and this heart and mind that I have that I am avoiding at the moment.
Sorry this is so long, but this is a good step for me personally even if no one reads this because I'm actually admitting to some things here :)
At the Cloverdayle fundraiser yesterday someone asked how they could be praying for me, and I honestly had no answer. I had NO idea how to put anything that's been going on into words. Ask me about the process leading up to the answer, and I can say a thousand things, ask me how I'm doing now? Nothing. Nothing comes into my head.
Maybe it's time I get off the computer and go face this thing called "Brooke" and allow God to just sort of show me how to discover who He's calling me to be next. And maybe I will give myself a break from feeling guilty about this time in life that could quite possibly be a gift from God.
I have been doing anything to just keep my mind from actually having to really think, and yet that is completely pointless since it goes just as fast regardless of what I try to make it do. I feel peace about my decision to not go to Nicaragua, and I feel peace about my decision to continue with my original plans to move to San Diego. Peace of the soul, however, does not always equal peace of the mind. I can understand now why God tells us what a powerful thing the mind is, and why we need to submit control of our mind to Him. But I just can't seem to even want to go that far yet, I'm afraid of my mind right now and I'm confused as to what the heck I'm doing with my life. I am hopeful for the future, I am just completely blind to it as of this moment. I'm thankful for the hope though, otherwise I would be, well, a lot worse than I am now.
Last night a friend saved me with an invitation to a stupid comedic movie I knew nothing about. I joked with him that it saved my sanity...but it really did. I needed to check out. Big time. Earlier in the evening I was just kind of wandering aimlessly around the streets of Portland. I did have a nice Chai latte so I was actually pretty happy :) I walked into a Borders and started to go down the Christian literature aisle and practically ran away from it to the Cd's. I didn't want to read one more thing about what to do when you feel like you're in a confusing spot, or when plans change on you or when you don't' know what the heck is going on...I just don't want to go there. It's so overwhelming to me. So it was fitting that right after that I got into an extended conversation with a homeless man over 48 cents and shoes. Ah, it was wonderful :)
I don't know if this is even a bad thing. I start to feel guilty about not doing much with my days and for "running away" from any sort of deep thinking by watching episodes of "community" online (AMAZING show by the way if you like dumb humor and laughing constantly!), or if I should actually be thankful for this time to just relax a bit. I do need to be spending more time with God than I have been though. I don't know why I'm running from that, but I am not running from Him, I just can't stand the idea of sitting and being still with Him and His word right now. I want to be doing something, moving, not sitting still. I know some of that has to do with the fact that I don't have a "home", a "place" to just go and call my own. But I guess that is just Jesus for now, and this heart and mind that I have that I am avoiding at the moment.
Sorry this is so long, but this is a good step for me personally even if no one reads this because I'm actually admitting to some things here :)
At the Cloverdayle fundraiser yesterday someone asked how they could be praying for me, and I honestly had no answer. I had NO idea how to put anything that's been going on into words. Ask me about the process leading up to the answer, and I can say a thousand things, ask me how I'm doing now? Nothing. Nothing comes into my head.
Maybe it's time I get off the computer and go face this thing called "Brooke" and allow God to just sort of show me how to discover who He's calling me to be next. And maybe I will give myself a break from feeling guilty about this time in life that could quite possibly be a gift from God.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Can't sleep...lot's of changes
Hm...well, I'm not quite sure how to begin this one. I can't sleep though, even though I've tried and tried, and it's now 2:42 am and I just have to get some of this out, and then hopefully the sleep will come.
I got back from my trip down to California and back a couple of days ago, and since then have felt extremely uneasy. I have been almost to the point of depressed over the past couple of days and I just couldn't shake it. I missed the people down south desperately but I knew it wasn't just that. I feel that way a lot, including about everyone up here when I was gone! A lot of it has been my back issues which have just gotten worse, and anyone who's ever been in chronic pain will tell you it does a number on your mood! But again, it's more than that. I've been praying and feeling this struggle with God and I knew it had something to do with Nicaragua.
I'm not going to try and justify and explain in detail why God does things, that process of trying to explain can drive a person mad. And to be honest, if I could explain how God works, He wouldn't be big enough for me to serve Him.
I believe with all of my heart that God told me to go to Nicaragua. And I believe now that He is re-issuing His calling He gave me to move to San Diego. The best I can describe it is how when He told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, He waited until Abraham actually got right up to the alter with the knife raised over His son before He told him to stop. He wanted to know if Abraham would follow Him no matter what. Not that I felt like God was asking me to do something terrible like that by moving to Nicaragua, but it was definitely pushing me to a point where I was willing to literally give up everything and everyone I had ever known. And it did start to scare the crap out of me, but I was determined. I was going. I was going to have faith, trust in God, give everything up for Him. And today, well, I felt like that changed.
It's not an easy decision to make, there is still part of me, a big part, that wants to go. But with this big of a decision I can not go unless I can be completely confident in this being God, and I can't say that anymore for some reason. And I definitely don't want to rally your support and include you in this unless I was sure. I was reading my journal I kept while I was in Nicaragua today, and the biggest thing I realized God was speaking to me while I was there were two things actually: One was "DO YOU TRUST ME?", and the second was a challenge to hear HIS VOICE. No matter what. Will I follow God's voice? And I knew in this whole process that I was the only one that could hear that for my life. Trusted mentors in my life couldn't tell me, my family couldn't tell me. I had to do this and am having to do this on my own.
I am afraid at what this looks like to other people, some may say I'm flaky, irrational, scared, impulsive...and that's ok. Whatever. I can't make my decisions in life based on what others think. It all comes down to me learning to hear my Maker's voice. And whatever that says, from day to day, I will follow it.
In some ways I feel like going back to my decision of moving to San Diego is a bigger decision than moving to Nicaragua. At least in Nica I would kind of have no choice but to put all of my trust in God, He was all I was going to have, but for now, this day, that He's keeping me in more of a "comfortable" place, I will have to wake up every day and choose to make Him all I need. And that honestly almost scares me more.
What I do know, is I have peace about this. I can't explain it, I can't defend it and I shouldn't. We each need to come before God and hear His voice for our lives. And then follow it, no matter what it says.
I honestly want to thank each and every single one of you who have already shown SO MUCH support for me in this whole process. I have NOT taken that for granted. I am a very relational person, and I need people around me who support me. The love and acceptance I feel from all of you has been magnified in the last few weeks. I was reminded today that it's not always about the "where" or the "what's", but it's "who" we surround ourselves with.
I was reading in my devotional today and the topic was "Come unto Me". It described how it didn't mean "come unto this job", or "come unto this place", etc...just "Come unto ME". That's what I'm learning, going through, growing in. Just learning to come to Jesus, no matter where He is or where that leads me. Thank you all :) And stay tuned! For I will be keeping this up to date still! Lord knows how my life jumps around! :) And continued prayers would be so appreciated. This is still a very difficult and unknown time for me.
I got back from my trip down to California and back a couple of days ago, and since then have felt extremely uneasy. I have been almost to the point of depressed over the past couple of days and I just couldn't shake it. I missed the people down south desperately but I knew it wasn't just that. I feel that way a lot, including about everyone up here when I was gone! A lot of it has been my back issues which have just gotten worse, and anyone who's ever been in chronic pain will tell you it does a number on your mood! But again, it's more than that. I've been praying and feeling this struggle with God and I knew it had something to do with Nicaragua.
I'm not going to try and justify and explain in detail why God does things, that process of trying to explain can drive a person mad. And to be honest, if I could explain how God works, He wouldn't be big enough for me to serve Him.
I believe with all of my heart that God told me to go to Nicaragua. And I believe now that He is re-issuing His calling He gave me to move to San Diego. The best I can describe it is how when He told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, He waited until Abraham actually got right up to the alter with the knife raised over His son before He told him to stop. He wanted to know if Abraham would follow Him no matter what. Not that I felt like God was asking me to do something terrible like that by moving to Nicaragua, but it was definitely pushing me to a point where I was willing to literally give up everything and everyone I had ever known. And it did start to scare the crap out of me, but I was determined. I was going. I was going to have faith, trust in God, give everything up for Him. And today, well, I felt like that changed.
It's not an easy decision to make, there is still part of me, a big part, that wants to go. But with this big of a decision I can not go unless I can be completely confident in this being God, and I can't say that anymore for some reason. And I definitely don't want to rally your support and include you in this unless I was sure. I was reading my journal I kept while I was in Nicaragua today, and the biggest thing I realized God was speaking to me while I was there were two things actually: One was "DO YOU TRUST ME?", and the second was a challenge to hear HIS VOICE. No matter what. Will I follow God's voice? And I knew in this whole process that I was the only one that could hear that for my life. Trusted mentors in my life couldn't tell me, my family couldn't tell me. I had to do this and am having to do this on my own.
I am afraid at what this looks like to other people, some may say I'm flaky, irrational, scared, impulsive...and that's ok. Whatever. I can't make my decisions in life based on what others think. It all comes down to me learning to hear my Maker's voice. And whatever that says, from day to day, I will follow it.
In some ways I feel like going back to my decision of moving to San Diego is a bigger decision than moving to Nicaragua. At least in Nica I would kind of have no choice but to put all of my trust in God, He was all I was going to have, but for now, this day, that He's keeping me in more of a "comfortable" place, I will have to wake up every day and choose to make Him all I need. And that honestly almost scares me more.
What I do know, is I have peace about this. I can't explain it, I can't defend it and I shouldn't. We each need to come before God and hear His voice for our lives. And then follow it, no matter what it says.
I honestly want to thank each and every single one of you who have already shown SO MUCH support for me in this whole process. I have NOT taken that for granted. I am a very relational person, and I need people around me who support me. The love and acceptance I feel from all of you has been magnified in the last few weeks. I was reminded today that it's not always about the "where" or the "what's", but it's "who" we surround ourselves with.
I was reading in my devotional today and the topic was "Come unto Me". It described how it didn't mean "come unto this job", or "come unto this place", etc...just "Come unto ME". That's what I'm learning, going through, growing in. Just learning to come to Jesus, no matter where He is or where that leads me. Thank you all :) And stay tuned! For I will be keeping this up to date still! Lord knows how my life jumps around! :) And continued prayers would be so appreciated. This is still a very difficult and unknown time for me.
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