Considering it's late and I'm exhausted, this shouldn't take long....famous last words. :) Wow though! I need to write about my mood change because the last post I made was super depressing! Sorry about that...by the way. I'm not changing the name of my blog, because I still feel like it represents my time in life right now, just figuring out who I'm meant to be in this great big world of God's...just thought I'd say that. I realize I write "...."'s and ":)"'s a lot too, but I'm not going to stop.
I woke up today and recognized an immediate difference in my state of mind. I glimpsed my joy again :) No different decisions were made, no clearer vision or answers, just simply the amazing clarifying recognition of God's faithfulness hit me, I don't know what changed, but that's what's awesome about God's faithfulness...He never changes. He is always faithful. And no matter what mood I'm in, He is the same. In those moments when I "feel" Him so close and I'm on this "God high" per say, He is the same powerful momentous creator as He is on the days when I'm just trying to will myself to get out of bed. Awesome.
I was awakened in life again today by leading and relating with some pretty amazing people today. I had coffee with an incredible couple who have been mentors and friends in my life for a long time and then I had happy hour with one of the girls from my Monday night small group, and I felt so led to encourage her to start stepping up more and growing deeper into her calling, and seeing her face start to recognize that she was made for a greater purpose than she realized honestly made me FREAK OUT with awe and excitement, and I'm seriously getting goosebumps and tears in my eyes thinking about it. That has got to be the most incredible feeling, helping someone realize their worth...and here I was feeling worthless.
I was who I was created to be today. Did that make sense? Oh well :) I was living, breathing, exuding who I was created to be, and the irony of it, all I did was put MYSELF out there and stopped worrying about who I was supposed to be. I stopped beating myself up for feeling guilty over not being good enough. And just hung out with friends, and voila! I became who I was supposed to be in that moment.
You know you can tell when someones being genuine. It's not about perfection, it's about pure honesty and authenticity.
I was spending some time with my Grandma on my way back up from California last week and she volunteers her time (she's 85 by the way, AWESOME woman), helping other "elderly people" (younger than her mostly) get their groceries, clean their homes, get rides to doctor's appointments, etc...So I went with her to help one of her ladies go to the grocery store. This woman isn't really at a disadvantage because of her age but more because of her mental stability. She has some illness in her that has caused her to sort of lose most of her grip on reality. She was nice enough but I have to admit I was getting a little annoyed by a few of her mannerisms or how she would try and just run people over with her grocery cart in the store :) hahaha oh dear....but the point of this story is this...we took her back to her house. It was small, dark, pretty smelly (she has a LOT of cats), and then I looked to my right and saw this baby grand piano. Beautiful. And my grandma told me she used to be a professional piano player. She was actually the piano player for the Johnny Carson show and traveled the world showing off her amazing skill. My grandma asked me if I wanted to hear something and I said I would so she asked her if she'd play for us. I am telling you, as soon as she sat down at that piano something in her face changed. She became alive. She was so into it, her whole body moving with the rapid speed of her fingers barely touching the keys as it turned into this incredible melody. I just stood there in her tiny apartment, tears streaming down my cheeks, wondering how I could have ever judged this woman. She was doing exactly what she had been created to do. That picture will always stand out to me. That's what happens when we allow our skills to fully develope and allow our creator to write our lives just like a peice of music. Going up here, down there, and somehow it all comes together...
As I've made my decision about not going to Nicaragua, I have asked myself, "am I making a mistake? Am I missing my chance to be fully 'in' my calling?" And I realized today, I am wasting time asking those questions when all I'm called to do is let go, and be who I was created to be. Let go, and be. Let go and let God bring me into opportunities where my fingers just start flying over that keyboard of life and start touching lives, always remembering to not neglect my own.
