Hm...well, I'm not quite sure how to begin this one. I can't sleep though, even though I've tried and tried, and it's now 2:42 am and I just have to get some of this out, and then hopefully the sleep will come.
I got back from my trip down to California and back a couple of days ago, and since then have felt extremely uneasy. I have been almost to the point of depressed over the past couple of days and I just couldn't shake it. I missed the people down south desperately but I knew it wasn't just that. I feel that way a lot, including about everyone up here when I was gone! A lot of it has been my back issues which have just gotten worse, and anyone who's ever been in chronic pain will tell you it does a number on your mood! But again, it's more than that. I've been praying and feeling this struggle with God and I knew it had something to do with Nicaragua.
I'm not going to try and justify and explain in detail why God does things, that process of trying to explain can drive a person mad. And to be honest, if I could explain how God works, He wouldn't be big enough for me to serve Him.
I believe with all of my heart that God told me to go to Nicaragua. And I believe now that He is re-issuing His calling He gave me to move to San Diego. The best I can describe it is how when He told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, He waited until Abraham actually got right up to the alter with the knife raised over His son before He told him to stop. He wanted to know if Abraham would follow Him no matter what. Not that I felt like God was asking me to do something terrible like that by moving to Nicaragua, but it was definitely pushing me to a point where I was willing to literally give up everything and everyone I had ever known. And it did start to scare the crap out of me, but I was determined. I was going. I was going to have faith, trust in God, give everything up for Him. And today, well, I felt like that changed.
It's not an easy decision to make, there is still part of me, a big part, that wants to go. But with this big of a decision I can not go unless I can be completely confident in this being God, and I can't say that anymore for some reason. And I definitely don't want to rally your support and include you in this unless I was sure. I was reading my journal I kept while I was in Nicaragua today, and the biggest thing I realized God was speaking to me while I was there were two things actually: One was "DO YOU TRUST ME?", and the second was a challenge to hear HIS VOICE. No matter what. Will I follow God's voice? And I knew in this whole process that I was the only one that could hear that for my life. Trusted mentors in my life couldn't tell me, my family couldn't tell me. I had to do this and am having to do this on my own.
I am afraid at what this looks like to other people, some may say I'm flaky, irrational, scared, impulsive...and that's ok. Whatever. I can't make my decisions in life based on what others think. It all comes down to me learning to hear my Maker's voice. And whatever that says, from day to day, I will follow it.
In some ways I feel like going back to my decision of moving to San Diego is a bigger decision than moving to Nicaragua. At least in Nica I would kind of have no choice but to put all of my trust in God, He was all I was going to have, but for now, this day, that He's keeping me in more of a "comfortable" place, I will have to wake up every day and choose to make Him all I need. And that honestly almost scares me more.
What I do know, is I have peace about this. I can't explain it, I can't defend it and I shouldn't. We each need to come before God and hear His voice for our lives. And then follow it, no matter what it says.
I honestly want to thank each and every single one of you who have already shown SO MUCH support for me in this whole process. I have NOT taken that for granted. I am a very relational person, and I need people around me who support me. The love and acceptance I feel from all of you has been magnified in the last few weeks. I was reminded today that it's not always about the "where" or the "what's", but it's "who" we surround ourselves with.
I was reading in my devotional today and the topic was "Come unto Me". It described how it didn't mean "come unto this job", or "come unto this place", etc...just "Come unto ME". That's what I'm learning, going through, growing in. Just learning to come to Jesus, no matter where He is or where that leads me. Thank you all :) And stay tuned! For I will be keeping this up to date still! Lord knows how my life jumps around! :) And continued prayers would be so appreciated. This is still a very difficult and unknown time for me.
