I want to constantly learn, grow, etc...at least that's what I say. But what happens when that's not actually how I feel? How do you stop from falling into a guilt trip that God never intended for us to live under? I'm not depressed, just having depressed-like tendencies :) I feel...well, I haven't given myself a chance to feel right now. I am trying to avoid any deep thinking/feeling, which is why the thought of sitting down and writing out how I'm doing currently has been a thing of pure avoidance lately. But I know I can't do this forever. I don't know how to focus my thoughts and make them make sense to anyone right now, and I don't want to submit everyone else to my crazy state of mind right now, so you might want to stop reading now! :)
I have been doing anything to just keep my mind from actually having to really think, and yet that is completely pointless since it goes just as fast regardless of what I try to make it do. I feel peace about my decision to not go to Nicaragua, and I feel peace about my decision to continue with my original plans to move to San Diego. Peace of the soul, however, does not always equal peace of the mind. I can understand now why God tells us what a powerful thing the mind is, and why we need to submit control of our mind to Him. But I just can't seem to even want to go that far yet, I'm afraid of my mind right now and I'm confused as to what the heck I'm doing with my life. I am hopeful for the future, I am just completely blind to it as of this moment. I'm thankful for the hope though, otherwise I would be, well, a lot worse than I am now.
Last night a friend saved me with an invitation to a stupid comedic movie I knew nothing about. I joked with him that it saved my sanity...but it really did. I needed to check out. Big time. Earlier in the evening I was just kind of wandering aimlessly around the streets of Portland. I did have a nice Chai latte so I was actually pretty happy :) I walked into a Borders and started to go down the Christian literature aisle and practically ran away from it to the Cd's. I didn't want to read one more thing about what to do when you feel like you're in a confusing spot, or when plans change on you or when you don't' know what the heck is going on...I just don't want to go there. It's so overwhelming to me. So it was fitting that right after that I got into an extended conversation with a homeless man over 48 cents and shoes. Ah, it was wonderful :)
I don't know if this is even a bad thing. I start to feel guilty about not doing much with my days and for "running away" from any sort of deep thinking by watching episodes of "community" online (AMAZING show by the way if you like dumb humor and laughing constantly!), or if I should actually be thankful for this time to just relax a bit. I do need to be spending more time with God than I have been though. I don't know why I'm running from that, but I am not running from Him, I just can't stand the idea of sitting and being still with Him and His word right now. I want to be doing something, moving, not sitting still. I know some of that has to do with the fact that I don't have a "home", a "place" to just go and call my own. But I guess that is just Jesus for now, and this heart and mind that I have that I am avoiding at the moment.
Sorry this is so long, but this is a good step for me personally even if no one reads this because I'm actually admitting to some things here :)
At the Cloverdayle fundraiser yesterday someone asked how they could be praying for me, and I honestly had no answer. I had NO idea how to put anything that's been going on into words. Ask me about the process leading up to the answer, and I can say a thousand things, ask me how I'm doing now? Nothing. Nothing comes into my head.
Maybe it's time I get off the computer and go face this thing called "Brooke" and allow God to just sort of show me how to discover who He's calling me to be next. And maybe I will give myself a break from feeling guilty about this time in life that could quite possibly be a gift from God.
