I'm sitting in Borders right now and can't seem to shut my mind off. I leave in less than a week to start my drive down to San Diego. Even though that is the day to take off, I don't feel like that date holds a whole lot of weight when it comes to my life as a whole. I feel this feeling of anticipation at what's coming that is almost overwhelming. I was starting to get really worried last night, mostly about money OF COURSE, dang money, and I was reminded almost immediately as I started "praying" (actually more like worrying to God), that I needed to change my mind set and start thanking God in advance for everything He was going to bring me and do for me. He's already provided an awesome apartment, a great job possibility, and that's all I can SEE right now which means there is so much more that He has planned, I just need to be ready and stop thinking about it so much...which brings me to what really inspired me to blog today.
This may be a bit of a controversial statement...but something has been really heavy on my heart lately, and that is that I think we THINK too too much. I have always been absolutely intrigued with biographies and learning about people's lives. People make fun of me for it a lot, but I am enthralled with celebrities lives, and it's not at all because I envy them or want to be them (ok, maybe I envy the stylish new purse's these girls can always afford and the amazing outfits and shoes) but honestly the reason I always read about them and want to watch biographies about them is because human life absolutely amazes me. I was just reading this biography on Michael Jackson in the "biography aisle" here in borders. It was a book about a taped interview/conversation with a rabbi and it was incredibly depressing. Really when it comes down to it, everyone is searching and searching for some sort of purpose in this life. And I find it incredible to see how each individual person does that, I find it incredible and depressing at the same time.
I am convinced that every form of art, whether it's on a canvass, a movie screen or a page out of a book is driven directly by the author/creator's desire to understand the purpose of this life, and it always can be tied back to our Creator, or lack there of in the author's mind. But there's always a battle for good and evil, and there's always a desire for good to win, or an anger at the fact that good doesn't always win. Whether or not the person who is creating the art realizes it or not or whether they would fight me to the death over whether or not there even exists an ultimate creator, it doesn't change my opinion that the source of their creativity comes from a desire in them to get closer to a purpose, and to God, in this life.
I have realized that I have been wondering so much what God is up to in my life. I have been trying to make up reasons as to why He possibly could have told me to go to Nicaragua, and then change it to San Diego. I have wondered if I heard Him wrong all together. When I was changing my plans from San Diego to Nicaragua I had a multitude of reasons why God was setting me up for this and how He had worked it all out....and now the tables have flipped once more and I started to do the whole "reasoning" thing again. And I was so convicted of this lately. Between conversations I've had with friends recently or by reading a biography on Michael Jackson and having the passion of learning about people's lives re-ignited, I have realized that we think entirely to much. People have always had a power struggle with God, even angels have resulting in the beginning of the battle between Good and Evil. God is no stranger to this battle, Jesus didn't even trust human nature when He was here on Earth, and he was open about that! He wasn't down here smelling flowers and singing to the birds proclaiming everything beautiful and good....but I digress. My point is that people literally die still trying to "figure out" life, resulting in never having fully lived life themselves.
So my question is not, "what's the point of life", but "what's the point of trying to figure it out?" In my experience, the best most miraculous things have happened when I have come completely abandoned and even a little irritated to God, but totally and completely open to what He has planned next without trying to figure out why. Isn't that ultimate trust? Saying YES to God without knowing what He has up His sleeve? I am not putting down knowledge at all! And I highly value the study of everything, especially the Word and God. But there needs to be a place where we're able to give God our whole lives before understanding it all, because we never will. I want to go forward in my life one day at a time, and not waste any opportunity to dump all of my burdens on my Jesus without even having to know what all of my burdens are. That is when we start living in freedom, and that is the very heart God has for us! By holding on to our lives and only moving forward once we understand everything, it robs Jesus of being able to be Lord of our lives and it robs us of having true freedom. So I say we say YES to Jesus today, and screw understanding everything, and then I truly believe that with that level of abandonment to God, we will be shown things we couldn't have understood with our mere human minds and hearts unless we completely abandoned those things to God in the first place, and we will be more centered and knowledgeable than ever before to the very heart of Jesus Christ.
So that's what my goal in life is going to be. To always obey, and to stop trying to explain an entity who is so far above our human capacity of understanding that we, and many have, will waste our lives trying to explain why everything happened. If we do that we are only robbing ourselves of being able to experience the unexplainable miracles that God so longs to shower us with.
