Holy Crap it's been a while!

Hello all of you few people who still check this occasionally :) So I have been horrible at keeping this up, but I do have somewhat of an excuse and that is that I'm forced to go to a library or Starbucks for internet since ours is not working...still...at the apartment...oh well though. Um, let's see. On one hand I feel like I have SO much to write about, and on the other....not a lot's happened. I guess that's not very true. But you know. I'll just give you all a brief synopsis of my past month here in San Diego and then I'll try to keep up on this better if anything really does start to happen.

So I arrived in SD! My apartment is great and I can walk to the beach from here. It's a very hippy-ish beach which is really fun actually, and some of the nicer beaches are within 5 minutes drive from my apartment. My roommates are incredible, honestly couldn't have asked for two better roommates for having practically been strangers when I moved in! God is good. My family down here has been great to see, and it has resulted in some babysitting jobs which I honestly don't know what I would have done without...financially speaking. So that's been great. I've been spending my days looking for jobs, (I just had an interview Thursday and am having another one Tuesday so please pray for me!!! I need money!!!), looking for churches which has not been altogether as painful or annoying as I thought it would be, and just hanging out, getting to know my roommates and their friends and spending a lot of great time with just me. The nice thing about here is there is a lot to do for free! Like go to beaches, drive on over to Coronado island and browse the boutiques, I've already scoped out a lot of Starbucks and am still trying to find my favorite one. It's a very important decision after all!

Last night my roommate and her friends and I went to about three different places in the city with big Christmas presentations and lights and hot chocolate and amazing stuff like that so it was super fun! It actually is starting to feel like Christmas here despite the palm trees. AND I think I actually felt about three drops of rain yesterday...I could have cried I was so happy! :) hahaha And the other night we walked into our friends house where a bunch of us were going to have dinner and I walked into the living room and he had the CIVIL WAR ON THE TV!!!! I hadn't met most of the people there but in true Brooke fashion I started freaking out! I didn't even know they were showing it down here! So I stayed and watched the whole game and was FREAKING OUT the whole time and the DUCKS WON!!! WOOT WOOT!! :) It made me SO flipping proud to be an Oregonian....ahhhh. It was amazing :)

To say the transition has been a roller coaster would be the understatement of the century. I will have really really great days, and then really really bad days where I just want to come home. But in all of that I have never allowed leaving to be an option. First of all it's WAY to soon to judge anything because I'm not even settled in yet. I need to give it time to find my way around, find and get involved in a church and start working so I can actually alleviate some of this stress that I seem to live under right now. I have realized though still being at the beginning, more tough part of this transition, that I really believe God wants to use this time to allow me to just focus on me and HIM, my personal relationship with God without the "pressure" (even though it's a good pressure) of being a leader, or having a lot of responsibilities. So instead of getting frustrated with the lack of "connection" here so far, I'm trying to see it as a gift to sort of figure out who I am in Christ. I have not been proud of how I've conducted myself sometimes in my life, and every time that's happened God's faithfulness is just pounded into my heart even more, and so hopefully I've learned something. Because when I start to act in a way I know I shouldn't be and am inclined to shower myself with guilt and start getting angry with myself and God and running away, I'm learning to turn that over quicker to just thankfulness to God's faithfulness, and remembering who I am in Him. The BIGGEST thing I've realized being here is that my identity is not determined by WHERE I'm at or WHO I'm with, but it is determined by how much I allow God to shine in me. I want to shine to others and I beat myself up so much that I haven't changed the world in my less than one month of being in SD, and He's just reminded me that to change the world should not be my focus. My focus needs to be on allowing God to change my heart and focus on changing what I need to change, and therefore the shining will come naturally. This morning at a church I visited the message was on turning our feeling of being "overwhelmed by circumstances" into being "overwhelmed by God"....ah I love it when God does that. Directs a specific message to our specific need...I don't know why this surprises me so much still?? Oh Brooke Brooke Brooke...

So all in all, I'm trying to stay positive and I'm trying to just stop trying so hard :) And just be, let God be who He is, and let me be human and make mistakes, and just trying to "let" all of that work together to build me in this season.

Prayer requests would be: TO FIND A CHURCH! There are so many good ones! It's not even that I can't find one I like, it's that there are a lot of good ones and I just really want to know where God wants me to be so I can start getting involved.

TO FIND A JOB! Oh man, the reasons for this are obvious...but I am trusting in God and I know He is faithful

TO REALLY LET GO AND LET GOD MOVE IN MY LIFE. I need to lose the expectations, the ideas and dreams and ways I think things should work out, because I know that those come from God, but therefore I need to let go of them and let Him manifest them in my life how He has planned. It would save me a lot of disappointment considering NOTHING I have ever planned has ever worked out the way I thought it would :) But I'm not bitter or anything ;) haha

AND THAT I WOULD FIND A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM DOWN HERE AND NOT FEEL SO HOMESICK. That being said...God has already started to provide this, I just need peace in my heart. Wisdom in my brain.

Also...one last note, I have been TRYING to post pictures on my facebook and facebook gives me a flipping error every single time! So please be patient...if you even care :) hahaha,

Oh! And I'm coming home for Christmas! I'll be home Dec20-Jan3rd so hit me up if you want to come see me :) I love you all and miss you SO FLIPPING MUCH!

Azusa!

Ok, well I have made it to Azusa, (right outside of LA if ya'll don't know). I am having a great time. After a few crazy packed days of hangin in San Fran and driving I have relished the chance to see great people but also relax at the same time! 

The drive went very well except for a brief scare when I started to leave San Francisco and looked down only to realize that my light indicated my trunk wasn't latched was on. Can I just say that would probably be one of the worst things that could happen to me if my trunk opened while EVERYTHING is piled and packed in there very tightly and on the busy bumpy downtown windy narrow lanes of traffic that is downtown SF nonetheless. So considering there is ONLY street parking and like no place with actual parking lots, I pulled over into a bus loading zone as soon as I could to check it. Luckily it was latched pretty darn good, the light had just come on because a hanger had jammed into the door of my trunk causing the censor to think it wasn't closed...so close call but alllll good :)

I'm staying with one of my DEAREST friends Elli who is newly engaged by the way!! SO happy for them. I got to see and have dinner with my lovely Lynz last night and then took a very long and lazy time getting ready this morning before heading to Starbucks for my first RED CUP OF THE SEASON!!! So incredibly thrilled about this....although I am predicting a very weird winter and holiday season for me this year. For some reason drinking an eggnog latte out of a red cup doesn't hold the same feeling when I'm drinking it under a palm tree in 80 degree weather...I realized I would have an odd season when I saw them putting up a huge Christmas tree by Pier 39 in SF while I was getting sun burnt on my shoulders. I feel like I'm in somewhat of a Twilight Zone. 

Today was a good day though. After spending entirely to long getting ready and loving every second of my laziness, I went to Starbucks and then Destiny met me there to go get lunch! Then I got to go see her dorm room and meet some of her friends and then we got Fro Yo and wandered around the campus until Elli was done with her duties for the day. Then Elli and I hung out a bit in her room and chilled and waited for Caleb to get out of class before the three of us had a wonderful dinner consisting of In N' Out and Chipotle. I had In N' Out naturally...and loved it! Then we came back to campus and went out yet again with one of Elli and Caleb's really good friends Pat to go to 21 Choices which is sort of like a ColdStone but with frozen yogurt. And now I have been hooked to my book Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus laying on Elli's couch while she does homework with intermittent chatting going on in between our times of focus :) I love it. I love spending time with her again. And I love that I'll be close enough to do this on any given weekend. 

My heart is anticipating much. There is so much to be done. God is constantly moving and I'm realizing that He has NEVER promised comfort or that we'll even make it out alive. In fact we know we won't, but how will we ever experience LIFE without getting dangerous. He's called us into a dangerous faith. One filled with uncertainties except for the one thing we can be certain in, and that is HIM. Jesus Christ. I am moving into a chapter of unknowns, but I am more ready and excite than ever to face them with God. To be ready for the miracles that may not bring me any more certainty or even happiness than before, but they will bring me into a life of significance. I will leave you with this quote that is among MANY MANY amazing insights that I've found in this book:

"Maybe there is a touch of insanity to think that you or I could really make a difference, knowing who we are, that we could somehow change the course of human history. If it's normal to wake up in the morning and just try and make it through the day, then I vote for abnormality. I choose insanity." ~Erwin McManus, 'Chasing Daylight'

San Francisco!

So I made it to San Francisco and it's been a great time! It was hard to leave everyone in Portland, to say the least, but I feel excited and ready to go. My first leg of the road trip was down to San Francisco. It was a very beautiful drive and surprisingly did not feel like 10 hours. Seriously, it went by so fast! It was gorgeous scenery and I had my ipod and thoughts to keep me company :) I got to San Fran and as soon as I saw the Golden Gate bridge and Bay Bridge I got the strangest rush. I can't really explain it, it could have just been excitement, but something in me noted that I needed to remember that feeling I got for the future, something tells me this place will be significant in my future...I don't know, I'm just sayin!
I kind of got lost on my way to my friend Jessie's apartment, but it was worth it because I got to drive more around this awesome city. It's so beautiful. The only times I've been here have been on mission trips, so we've had a day or two to see more of the nicer areas but not much time, and it was very fun. Jessie's apartment is so amazing too! It's so cute and in one of those old town home buildings in a great accessible area of town! Very fun, although if I ever lived here there is NO WAY I would be able to keep a stick shift...to say it's been challenging to park on these hills is an understatement! :) Not to mention I have huge blind spots because EVERY inch of my car that I'm not inhabiting is filled with my stuff! I have been in a constant state of prayer that no one will break into my car! Good news so far!
Today Jessie had to work so I just got up and got ready and took my car down to the Marina. It's been a gorgeous and sunny day here! No fog! I walked through a great park and without knowing it ended up on a trail that dropped me right off onto Fisherman's Wharf area. So I spent the day getting Starbucks, walking around shops, and taking lots of pictures! I took a Ferry tour around the bay and we went underneath the Golden Gate Bridge and around Alcatraz. It was awesome! I made friends with a guy I was buying water from named Ulysses (sp?) who was originally from San Diego and lived a while in Portland, so we had a lot to talk about. He proceeded to tell me about his experiences being high in Belize, which made for interesting stories, but turned out quite humorous. He was nice and I ended up staying in the smoothie store he worked at for about 45 minutes just chatting.
I walked all the way down to Pier 35 where a huge cruise liner was docked and they were boarding. And then on down to 33 before turning around and going to a seafood cafe on the corner with great people watching and bread bowl clam chowder. I stayed there for a while reading "Chasing Daylight" by Erwin McManus. SUPER GREAT. That's right, not just SUPER and not just GREAT but SUPER GREAT book. Needless to say it was very inspiring. Then capped off my day with a chocolate milkshake from Ghiradelli Square and walked back to my car. Oh my gosh! I almost forgot, I saw the COOLEST thing on the way back to my car. There were all of these pelicans in the water which I've seen before, but it must have been dinner time because they all of a sudden all starting flying and diving into the water to get fish. It was so cool I stood there and watched that for a good amount of time...I was very entertained :)
So now I'm waiting for my friend to get back from work in just a couple minutes and we're going to go hit up a happy hour or something, and then I'm off again bright and early tomorrow morning for good ol' Los Angeles. I'm feeling sort of like an impostor in California though haha, don't know why, and all day people kept asking me where I was from, so I don't think I've mastered the whole "California Girl" vibe yet, but seeing as how it's barely been 24 hours since I even crossed the state border I guess I'll cut myself some slack :) Patience has never come easy for me ;)

My goal to stop thinking :)

I'm sitting in Borders right now and can't seem to shut my mind off. I leave in less than a week to start my drive down to San Diego. Even though that is the day to take off, I don't feel like that date holds a whole lot of weight when it comes to my life as a whole. I feel this feeling of anticipation at what's coming that is almost overwhelming. I was starting to get really worried last night, mostly about money OF COURSE, dang money, and I was reminded almost immediately as I started "praying" (actually more like worrying to God), that I needed to change my mind set and start thanking God in advance for everything He was going to bring me and do for me. He's already provided an awesome apartment, a great job possibility, and that's all I can SEE right now which means there is so much more that He has planned, I just need to be ready and stop thinking about it so much...which brings me to what really inspired me to blog today.
This may be a bit of a controversial statement...but something has been really heavy on my heart lately, and that is that I think we THINK too too much. I have always been absolutely intrigued with biographies and learning about people's lives. People make fun of me for it a lot, but I am enthralled with celebrities lives, and it's not at all because I envy them or want to be them (ok, maybe I envy the stylish new purse's these girls can always afford and the amazing outfits and shoes) but honestly the reason I always read about them and want to watch biographies about them is because human life absolutely amazes me. I was just reading this biography on Michael Jackson in the "biography aisle" here in borders. It was a book about a taped interview/conversation with a rabbi and it was incredibly depressing. Really when it comes down to it, everyone is searching and searching for some sort of purpose in this life. And I find it incredible to see how each individual person does that, I find it incredible and depressing at the same time.
I am convinced that every form of art, whether it's on a canvass, a movie screen or a page out of a book is driven directly by the author/creator's desire to understand the purpose of this life, and it always can be tied back to our Creator, or lack there of in the author's mind. But there's always a battle for good and evil, and there's always a desire for good to win, or an anger at the fact that good doesn't always win. Whether or not the person who is creating the art realizes it or not or whether they would fight me to the death over whether or not there even exists an ultimate creator, it doesn't change my opinion that the source of their creativity comes from a desire in them to get closer to a purpose, and to God, in this life.
I have realized that I have been wondering so much what God is up to in my life. I have been trying to make up reasons as to why He possibly could have told me to go to Nicaragua, and then change it to San Diego. I have wondered if I heard Him wrong all together. When I was changing my plans from San Diego to Nicaragua I had a multitude of reasons why God was setting me up for this and how He had worked it all out....and now the tables have flipped once more and I started to do the whole "reasoning" thing again. And I was so convicted of this lately. Between conversations I've had with friends recently or by reading a biography on Michael Jackson and having the passion of learning about people's lives re-ignited, I have realized that we think entirely to much. People have always had a power struggle with God, even angels have resulting in the beginning of the battle between Good and Evil. God is no stranger to this battle, Jesus didn't even trust human nature when He was here on Earth, and he was open about that! He wasn't down here smelling flowers and singing to the birds proclaiming everything beautiful and good....but I digress. My point is that people literally die still trying to "figure out" life, resulting in never having fully lived life themselves.
So my question is not, "what's the point of life", but "what's the point of trying to figure it out?" In my experience, the best most miraculous things have happened when I have come completely abandoned and even a little irritated to God, but totally and completely open to what He has planned next without trying to figure out why. Isn't that ultimate trust? Saying YES to God without knowing what He has up His sleeve? I am not putting down knowledge at all! And I highly value the study of everything, especially the Word and God. But there needs to be a place where we're able to give God our whole lives before understanding it all, because we never will. I want to go forward in my life one day at a time, and not waste any opportunity to dump all of my burdens on my Jesus without even having to know what all of my burdens are. That is when we start living in freedom, and that is the very heart God has for us! By holding on to our lives and only moving forward once we understand everything, it robs Jesus of being able to be Lord of our lives and it robs us of having true freedom. So I say we say YES to Jesus today, and screw understanding everything, and then I truly believe that with that level of abandonment to God, we will be shown things we couldn't have understood with our mere human minds and hearts unless we completely abandoned those things to God in the first place, and we will be more centered and knowledgeable than ever before to the very heart of Jesus Christ.
So that's what my goal in life is going to be. To always obey, and to stop trying to explain an entity who is so far above our human capacity of understanding that we, and many have, will waste our lives trying to explain why everything happened. If we do that we are only robbing ourselves of being able to experience the unexplainable miracles that God so longs to shower us with.

Expect Expect Expect

Hey everyone! I thought I should give a little update as to what is going on in my life, as we all know, that changes a lot. It's hard for me that it changes a lot. Part of it is exciting, but part of it frustrates me. People will say "you have the whole world ahead of you!!" and I'm like...ya? and that's a good thing??? Don't get me wrong, I am so excited at the prospect of anything happening and having so many options, but at the same time I kind of hate that. It's like, once I would love to just settle down with something...or someone. But I am very hopeful for the future. I am so hopeful, and yet so ready to move on because of that hope! I am ready to leave town! I don't mean this in any negative way about anything or anyone who is here right now in Portland, I'm just so ready to start building a new chapter.
Speaking of! I'm packing up whatever fits in my beetle and hitting the road a week from Monday, November 2nd, to head directly to San Francisco the first day. I might have a friend driving with me which would be so fun! Then I'll spend a couple days in SF with a friend and then head down to LA to see Elli and Lynz, Destiny, Berge, Rachel, Gina, Mickey, Minnie..everyone! :) haha. Then a few days later I'll make my last little hop down to SD. I am almost positive that I will have a job starting in January nannying which would be awesome because the schedule and money would enable me to satart taking classes again! I also am 99.99% sure that I have an apartment with two awesome girls to move into starting in November. God is so good! He literally put both of these awesome opportunities (job and apartment) right into my lap. I didn't try to get or ask for any of them. Isn't it crazy how when we try so hard to make things work it is so stressful, and when we just give up total control to God He makes the path THAT MUCH GREATER! My apartment is 1.5 miles from Ocean Beach and 5 miles from downtown and amazingly affordable and nice! God is good. Plus He's given me two great, fun, Christian girls to live with...so much more to that story but summed up...God always knows what we need and WANT and wants to bless us!
I mentioned I'm ready to leave, I think it's just because it's honestly hard to still be here, sort of feeling a little "phased out" with my friends here, and not having a job (although I have been working for Bob a bit for some big projects he had, which is such a blessing financially!). But it's just hard to see everyone moving on with their lives and plans for the fall, not saying this shouldn't happen at all! It's just hard to not be able to be a part of the plans and still not yet be in my new place I'm headed to. It's just limbo...and limbo sucks sometimes.
My brother and I had lunch the other day though and I was sort of venting to him because it's hard to still come to grips with the zigzag God's sort of led me on the last few weeks. Part of me even worries that it will give a negative example to others about God because I was so sure that God had called me to Nicaragua, and I don't want it to look like I was just to afraid or backed out because I didn't want to do it, because honestly, I feel like going to San Diego after making other plans is testing my faith more than anything else. And that's what my brother pointed out. He asked me where my faith was now compared to when I came home from Nicaragua, and I know it's honestly deeper now. And I know that's worth it for everything I'm experiencing right now. And that's good for me to focus on because it's sometimes hard to stay hopeful.
So this is my last week in Ptown for a while! I'm sad to leave, it's exciting, but it's really sad for me still. But I KNOW that God has so so so much for me in this next chapter of my life. It was so cool, because I went to a church plant last Saturday night called Door of Hope in the Hawthorn district and he was talking about how if we want to see revival in our cities or families or countries, we must first have a revival in us. And I started hearing from God to EXPECT GREAT THINGS TO COME. Expect Expect Expect. Well then last Wednesday I went to worship night at Southlake and Kip got up and challenged everyone that God was wanting to tell us to EXPECT MORE! I got goosebumps everywhere. It was just so confirming that God is wanting to seriously do more and show me more of Him than EVER before. And I need a revival in me to see great things around me. And I think I'm ready :) Plus it doesn't hurt that I'll be able to walk to an amazing sunny beach at my disposal :) Thank you Jesus!
Call me! I want to see everyone next week before I leave! Love you all!!!

...and here I was feeling worthless...

Considering it's late and I'm exhausted, this shouldn't take long....famous last words. :) Wow though! I need to write about my mood change because the last post I made was super depressing! Sorry about that...by the way. I'm not changing the name of my blog, because I still feel like it represents my time in life right now, just figuring out who I'm meant to be in this great big world of God's...just thought I'd say that. I realize I write "...."'s and ":)"'s a lot too, but I'm not going to stop.
I woke up today and recognized an immediate difference in my state of mind. I glimpsed my joy again :) No different decisions were made, no clearer vision or answers, just simply the amazing clarifying recognition of God's faithfulness hit me, I don't know what changed, but that's what's awesome about God's faithfulness...He never changes. He is always faithful. And no matter what mood I'm in, He is the same. In those moments when I "feel" Him so close and I'm on this "God high" per say, He is the same powerful momentous creator as He is on the days when I'm just trying to will myself to get out of bed. Awesome.
I was awakened in life again today by leading and relating with some pretty amazing people today. I had coffee with an incredible couple who have been mentors and friends in my life for a long time and then I had happy hour with one of the girls from my Monday night small group, and I felt so led to encourage her to start stepping up more and growing deeper into her calling, and seeing her face start to recognize that she was made for a greater purpose than she realized honestly made me FREAK OUT with awe and excitement, and I'm seriously getting goosebumps and tears in my eyes thinking about it. That has got to be the most incredible feeling, helping someone realize their worth...and here I was feeling worthless.
I was who I was created to be today. Did that make sense? Oh well :) I was living, breathing, exuding who I was created to be, and the irony of it, all I did was put MYSELF out there and stopped worrying about who I was supposed to be. I stopped beating myself up for feeling guilty over not being good enough. And just hung out with friends, and voila! I became who I was supposed to be in that moment.
You know you can tell when someones being genuine. It's not about perfection, it's about pure honesty and authenticity.
I was spending some time with my Grandma on my way back up from California last week and she volunteers her time (she's 85 by the way, AWESOME woman), helping other "elderly people" (younger than her mostly) get their groceries, clean their homes, get rides to doctor's appointments, etc...So I went with her to help one of her ladies go to the grocery store. This woman isn't really at a disadvantage because of her age but more because of her mental stability. She has some illness in her that has caused her to sort of lose most of her grip on reality. She was nice enough but I have to admit I was getting a little annoyed by a few of her mannerisms or how she would try and just run people over with her grocery cart in the store :) hahaha oh dear....but the point of this story is this...we took her back to her house. It was small, dark, pretty smelly (she has a LOT of cats), and then I looked to my right and saw this baby grand piano. Beautiful. And my grandma told me she used to be a professional piano player. She was actually the piano player for the Johnny Carson show and traveled the world showing off her amazing skill. My grandma asked me if I wanted to hear something and I said I would so she asked her if she'd play for us. I am telling you, as soon as she sat down at that piano something in her face changed. She became alive. She was so into it, her whole body moving with the rapid speed of her fingers barely touching the keys as it turned into this incredible melody. I just stood there in her tiny apartment, tears streaming down my cheeks, wondering how I could have ever judged this woman. She was doing exactly what she had been created to do. That picture will always stand out to me. That's what happens when we allow our skills to fully develope and allow our creator to write our lives just like a peice of music. Going up here, down there, and somehow it all comes together...
As I've made my decision about not going to Nicaragua, I have asked myself, "am I making a mistake? Am I missing my chance to be fully 'in' my calling?" And I realized today, I am wasting time asking those questions when all I'm called to do is let go, and be who I was created to be. Let go, and be. Let go and let God bring me into opportunities where my fingers just start flying over that keyboard of life and start touching lives, always remembering to not neglect my own.

A little glimpse into my scattered self at the moment...

I want to constantly learn, grow, etc...at least that's what I say. But what happens when that's not actually how I feel? How do you stop from falling into a guilt trip that God never intended for us to live under? I'm not depressed, just having depressed-like tendencies :) I feel...well, I haven't given myself a chance to feel right now. I am trying to avoid any deep thinking/feeling, which is why the thought of sitting down and writing out how I'm doing currently has been a thing of pure avoidance lately. But I know I can't do this forever. I don't know how to focus my thoughts and make them make sense to anyone right now, and I don't want to submit everyone else to my crazy state of mind right now, so you might want to stop reading now! :)
I have been doing anything to just keep my mind from actually having to really think, and yet that is completely pointless since it goes just as fast regardless of what I try to make it do. I feel peace about my decision to not go to Nicaragua, and I feel peace about my decision to continue with my original plans to move to San Diego. Peace of the soul, however, does not always equal peace of the mind. I can understand now why God tells us what a powerful thing the mind is, and why we need to submit control of our mind to Him. But I just can't seem to even want to go that far yet, I'm afraid of my mind right now and I'm confused as to what the heck I'm doing with my life. I am hopeful for the future, I am just completely blind to it as of this moment. I'm thankful for the hope though, otherwise I would be, well, a lot worse than I am now.
Last night a friend saved me with an invitation to a stupid comedic movie I knew nothing about. I joked with him that it saved my sanity...but it really did. I needed to check out. Big time. Earlier in the evening I was just kind of wandering aimlessly around the streets of Portland. I did have a nice Chai latte so I was actually pretty happy :) I walked into a Borders and started to go down the Christian literature aisle and practically ran away from it to the Cd's. I didn't want to read one more thing about what to do when you feel like you're in a confusing spot, or when plans change on you or when you don't' know what the heck is going on...I just don't want to go there. It's so overwhelming to me. So it was fitting that right after that I got into an extended conversation with a homeless man over 48 cents and shoes. Ah, it was wonderful :)
I don't know if this is even a bad thing. I start to feel guilty about not doing much with my days and for "running away" from any sort of deep thinking by watching episodes of "community" online (AMAZING show by the way if you like dumb humor and laughing constantly!), or if I should actually be thankful for this time to just relax a bit. I do need to be spending more time with God than I have been though. I don't know why I'm running from that, but I am not running from Him, I just can't stand the idea of sitting and being still with Him and His word right now. I want to be doing something, moving, not sitting still. I know some of that has to do with the fact that I don't have a "home", a "place" to just go and call my own. But I guess that is just Jesus for now, and this heart and mind that I have that I am avoiding at the moment.
Sorry this is so long, but this is a good step for me personally even if no one reads this because I'm actually admitting to some things here :)
At the Cloverdayle fundraiser yesterday someone asked how they could be praying for me, and I honestly had no answer. I had NO idea how to put anything that's been going on into words. Ask me about the process leading up to the answer, and I can say a thousand things, ask me how I'm doing now? Nothing. Nothing comes into my head.
Maybe it's time I get off the computer and go face this thing called "Brooke" and allow God to just sort of show me how to discover who He's calling me to be next. And maybe I will give myself a break from feeling guilty about this time in life that could quite possibly be a gift from God.

Can't sleep...lot's of changes

Hm...well, I'm not quite sure how to begin this one. I can't sleep though, even though I've tried and tried, and it's now 2:42 am and I just have to get some of this out, and then hopefully the sleep will come.
I got back from my trip down to California and back a couple of days ago, and since then have felt extremely uneasy. I have been almost to the point of depressed over the past couple of days and I just couldn't shake it. I missed the people down south desperately but I knew it wasn't just that. I feel that way a lot, including about everyone up here when I was gone! A lot of it has been my back issues which have just gotten worse, and anyone who's ever been in chronic pain will tell you it does a number on your mood! But again, it's more than that. I've been praying and feeling this struggle with God and I knew it had something to do with Nicaragua.
I'm not going to try and justify and explain in detail why God does things, that process of trying to explain can drive a person mad. And to be honest, if I could explain how God works, He wouldn't be big enough for me to serve Him.
I believe with all of my heart that God told me to go to Nicaragua. And I believe now that He is re-issuing His calling He gave me to move to San Diego. The best I can describe it is how when He told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, He waited until Abraham actually got right up to the alter with the knife raised over His son before He told him to stop. He wanted to know if Abraham would follow Him no matter what. Not that I felt like God was asking me to do something terrible like that by moving to Nicaragua, but it was definitely pushing me to a point where I was willing to literally give up everything and everyone I had ever known. And it did start to scare the crap out of me, but I was determined. I was going. I was going to have faith, trust in God, give everything up for Him. And today, well, I felt like that changed.
It's not an easy decision to make, there is still part of me, a big part, that wants to go. But with this big of a decision I can not go unless I can be completely confident in this being God, and I can't say that anymore for some reason. And I definitely don't want to rally your support and include you in this unless I was sure. I was reading my journal I kept while I was in Nicaragua today, and the biggest thing I realized God was speaking to me while I was there were two things actually: One was "DO YOU TRUST ME?", and the second was a challenge to hear HIS VOICE. No matter what. Will I follow God's voice? And I knew in this whole process that I was the only one that could hear that for my life. Trusted mentors in my life couldn't tell me, my family couldn't tell me. I had to do this and am having to do this on my own.
I am afraid at what this looks like to other people, some may say I'm flaky, irrational, scared, impulsive...and that's ok. Whatever. I can't make my decisions in life based on what others think. It all comes down to me learning to hear my Maker's voice. And whatever that says, from day to day, I will follow it.
In some ways I feel like going back to my decision of moving to San Diego is a bigger decision than moving to Nicaragua. At least in Nica I would kind of have no choice but to put all of my trust in God, He was all I was going to have, but for now, this day, that He's keeping me in more of a "comfortable" place, I will have to wake up every day and choose to make Him all I need. And that honestly almost scares me more.
What I do know, is I have peace about this. I can't explain it, I can't defend it and I shouldn't. We each need to come before God and hear His voice for our lives. And then follow it, no matter what it says.
I honestly want to thank each and every single one of you who have already shown SO MUCH support for me in this whole process. I have NOT taken that for granted. I am a very relational person, and I need people around me who support me. The love and acceptance I feel from all of you has been magnified in the last few weeks. I was reminded today that it's not always about the "where" or the "what's", but it's "who" we surround ourselves with.
I was reading in my devotional today and the topic was "Come unto Me". It described how it didn't mean "come unto this job", or "come unto this place", etc...just "Come unto ME". That's what I'm learning, going through, growing in. Just learning to come to Jesus, no matter where He is or where that leads me. Thank you all :) And stay tuned! For I will be keeping this up to date still! Lord knows how my life jumps around! :) And continued prayers would be so appreciated. This is still a very difficult and unknown time for me.

God is Good and I'm headed to Disneyland tomorrow! :)

One minute I am so excited to tell my friends and family about my plans for Nicaragua, and the next I feel like I'm going to snap if I get one more question about it! I swear, I thought I was moody before! :) So first, a big thank you to those who are having to put up with my moodiness...especially my mother! We're now on day...something, two weeks in let's just say, of our amazing vacation. We've seen so many things and people that are dear to us and so much fun! I feel SO blessed to be able to have this time. I am excited to see everyone back home when I finally do come back sometime next week, but I am sad to see this trip end.
It's so weird because this trip sort of marked "the change" in my life when I was planning on moving down here to San Diego where I am currently at, and now I'm headed back up to Anaheim again tomorrow to start our trip back up north over the next few days. I'm kind of scared about going back actually, I'm going back to a lot more meetings and decisions and a lot is going to be going on to really solidify this decision! It's crazy. There has been a lot going on down here regarding plans for Nica which has been kind of stressful, and each day I swear I am in a completely different mood and have NOT stopped thinking, but I'm still trying to take everything in me and focus on cherishing this time with my family and friends. Plus, it's been really nice to get out all of my screams and laughter on crazy rides at the different parks we've been at :) The margaritas and comfort food have helped too!! ;)
I have been experiencing some oppression which I'm trying to remind myself is sort of a good thing, that always means God's going to do something incredible, which I already knew! I already realize this, I wish oppression didn't have to come along with that lesson though!!
Well, I'm super tired, so I'm headed to bed, just wanted to share a little about where I am at the moment emotionally :) God is still good, and I'm headed to Disneyland tomorrow with some awesome people, therefore I am doing good.
Oh! And I got my first dedicated monthly supporter!!!! So here I go! I am continuing down this journey no matter how my emotions swing back and forth, God is always the same and is more than capable of carrying out his plan no matter what mood I'm in. I just hope that I can always be a good representative of Christ and not turn anyone off from Him.
Goodnight :)

Different day, different meeting, SAME GOD

Well, it has been a crazy couple of weeks for me. Every day a different meeting, a different decision...but same God. That's fun :) And now I'm on the road, having a great time...not really relaxing yet but that's ok...
Haha, anyways. I'm in a weird mood right now. I finally found a wireless signal in Klamath Falls!!! Well, most people here have internet...most people but not my grandma. I love you grandma! ;) She's probably reading this since I've been telling everyone about my blog! I should have an agent, I feel like I've been trying to "sell" my blog, my trip, etc...to everyone! But hopefully you guys know me and know my heart :) I truly do appreciate how everyone has been so supportive, I think I've already said that a million times, but I really really do!

But speaking of selling...money...trip....you all know where this is going! :) I have officially begun the FUNDRAISING part of this venture...Oh joy, my favorite. Not really! But, it's necessary, and I know that God is going to provide, I'm just getting the word out there and asking all of you if you would honestly pray and consider supporting me in this, whether it's a one time donation or a commitment for one year of month to month sponsorship. If you would like to donate I have a link on Southlake's website now...it's http://www.southlakechurch.com/content.cfm/Brooke

Also, my best friend had an amazing idea and is putting on a fundraising/hear my heart/send off for me on October 12th, 7pm at Southlake. If you didn't get the evite....well you can still come I guess ;) But I honestly would just love to be with all of you who I love and be able to share my heart with all of you guys.

OK! That's enough selling!! :)

I have been very struck by the creativity of people lately, and I think it stems off of how amazing it is to see the creativity of God through all of us! I went to this little art fair with my grandma here and started conversations with the artists asking them questions like, when they started, why they started, etc...it was so interesting and I admired them SO much for having a dream and just going with it! It makes me wonder how much more I'm capable of if I just put myself out there more and stop worrying about whether or not I'll succeed. We also went to this old museum here in K Falls, (I love funny stuff like that) and THAT got me thinking (I swear my mind does not stop) about what I will be remembered for. All of these people who invented this or that, or just were living their lives during a crazy period of history had NO clue that their stuff or the story of their lives were going to end up in a museum one day, but they went for it, they were just acutely aware, I believe, that they were here for a greater purpose, and they were using everything that God gave them to use! Whether they understood that's what they were doing or not. Isn't it cool to think that, ya, it would be cool to be memorialized in a museum one day, but we have the ability to be even more remembered and effective than that! We have the opportunity every day in our everyday lives to exude Jesus and to live FULLY in who He made us to be. And therefore effect LIVES FOR ETERNITY, not just here on the Earth. Every desire we have was intended to glorify Him, whether that's knitting things for an art show or starting huge mega churches or starting underground churches in China, or becoming a professional athlete, these things aren't accidents, God made us this way! I've been trying to figure out how my love of fashion and socializing and my love of missions and Jesus goes together, and you know what? I'm done focusing on that. God will show me, and He made me this way so I think I can trust how He chooses to mesh those things together.

I went to church today at a place that is very connected to my past. The pastor lived with my dad when they were in college, my dad was a youth pastor there for a while, and my grandma (my dad's mom) goes there and every time I go there people meet me and find out who my dad was and immediately start talking about what an impact he made on their lives. I WILL NEVER TIRE OF HEARING THAT. Oh man it's great. My dad had no clue he was going to die at age 38, but he lived with everything he had. That's what I want to do, I want to live in a way that I stop wasting my time being afraid, or wasting my time JUDGING others instead of focusing on who God made me to be.

A lot of you guys know that it's always been hard for me to think that my dad might not get to see who I'm becoming, or how I'm serving God and I've always struggled with wanting my dad to be able to be proud of me. That's been a huge thing, I want my dad to be proud of me. Even though I know God is everything I need, and God is proud, it's still been a struggle. Well, today a very close amazing friend of not only my dad but my entire family was asking about my plans, and I was talking about my plans on moving to Nicaragua. And here's the big ol' guy (Hey Dave;)), who literally just starting crying, tears streaming down his cheeks, and just said "Your dad would be so PROUD". Definitely never going to forget that moment. I've been waiting to hear those words for a long time...

Don't Stop

First of all, I just have to say that I love my friends so so much! It was so good to be back with my small group tonight, even if it was a little weird not living there or leading it anymore :) It was a nice place to be with nice people to be with. P.S., Marissa....SO PROUD OF YOU GIRL! LOVE IT! And LIZ, everything you are doing for me...you are so amazing. How could I ever ask for a friend better than you?!? I don't know how I'm going to say goodbye to you all, but God is SO good. He knows, and that's all I need to know.

So last night was a big night for me. I feel like most of my life I've been running from my calling. I feel like it's always been something I've resented on some level. I've always felt set apart, but I've always hated that. I wanted and tried for so long to be just like everyone else. I have had a hard time reconciling my crazy fun side with my very deep and quiet side and figuring out how to glorify God in all of that. And I've always been so irritated to some degree that I "know better". Why can't I just be like everyone else and not feel bad about it later?!?

I've given up bits and pieces before, small steps at a time, and then usually I would fall back and resent it again and yet at the same time feel so incredibly honored to be set apart. It was driving me crazy! And then, last night happened. And the effect is still just as strong if not stronger. It's funny because all day I was just overcome with the presence of God. It wasn't in a weird overly-religious sense of God, it was just SO real, and deep, and usually when I start to feel that way, I push it away, because honestly, it's to much for me sometimes! I get so overwhelmed and don't know how to handle it. That's how I started to feel at Sam's concert. He had so much passion for what he was doing, and was so in his element and was jumping around on stage and dancing. And then they showed a video of some footage he had put together from a trip he took to Sri Lanka, and I almost lost it. I was so frustrated because I saw that and I was like "I want to go there too!" And that's what i ALWAYS do! I can't help it, I not only have a desire to go everywhere, but I seriously feel this HUGE calling on my life, and the "hugeness" of it HIT me last night so hard. But this time I didn't let myself push it away. I did find Cheri after the concert and literally broke down, I'm talking shaking, crying, babbling...the whole bit :) I was just so frustrated. Sam has this passion, but he has an outlet for it! I felt like I had no outlet for mine! But this time, like I said, I didn't want God to stop, so just started praying "God, what you're doing is so BIG, and I may not know how to process all of this at once, but keep doing whatever you're doing...DON'T STOP, just show me how to handle this." I felt so consumed by this HUGE realization of the calling He has placed on my life, I used to resent it because it was to much, but it's like I had no choice this time, and what I really think was happening was that God finally saw that I was ready, whether I realized it or not.

So I left the concert and I just started driving, and I just knew I needed to go to a place where I could be alone with God and think and just let whatever He was doing in me continue. I ended up out at Dean and Cindy McGregor's place without really thinking about where I was going. They live on the river and have an amazingly peaceful dock. I ran in their house and scared Cindy (sorry bout that;)) and barely made it down to the dock without just feeling like I was falling apart. I just sat there and cried and cried and cried (I'm actually a little embarrassed sharing this part, but oh well). But, again, I didn't want Him to stop. See I just started talking to Him and releasing all of my fears and all of my desires. I get so afraid that I'm never going to be content, and He showed me that He has called me to BIG BIG BIG things and that feeling of wanting to see more is from Him. I know that what I'm called to is much more than just Nicaragua, even if I'm in Nicaragua forever, I know I'm not even BEGINNING to see the miracles that He is going to show me and use me for. I am saying this completely in humility, but I just know in my soul that I am meant for great things. I need to be ready for GOD, not be ready for what's next. We may never be ready for what's around the corner, but that's why it's around the corner where we can't see it, because God needs us to be fully dependent on Him before we can step around the corner. I finally calmed down and just laid down there and looked at the stars and just felt so consumed and surrounded by my KING. I feel like He brought me to a place last night that I have NEVER been, a place where I was so fully surrendered to Him, and I have finally finally finally after all of these years, come to a place where I fully accept the hugeness of this calling. I'm done running, I'm done resenting the fact that He has set me apart. Cindy came down after a while and we had a great talk, I was SO thankful. I felt like things were said that needed to be said and that God has restored one of my favorite friendships that I have in the world. It felt like no time had passed!

I went to Shari's afterward with my Bible and my book for a "Father/Daughter date" (me and God). I just couldn't go home yet or go to bed. So I got coffee and hashbrowns, and opened my Bible to James because we have just started studying that in church. And in the section we went over at church there was one verse highlighted that was so perfect:

"For when your faith is tested, your endurance grows. So let it grow! For when your endurance is fully developed you will be strong in character and READY FOR ANYTHING." James 1:3-4

I swear, nothing's better than Shari's hashbrowns by the way ;) Goodnight everyone

They Caught Us Dancing

Ah! Ok, well, there have been a lot of response from my blog and I just need to say again THANK YOU to everyone who is supporting me and so behind me. I've sort of been torn on how to explain what God is doing in me in a way that everyone can understand, and then I realized that's really stupid to do, so I'm not going to worry if this is understandable or not, I'm just going to share my heart. God is moving in me, and whether you believe in Him or not, I can't explain what's happening in my life or what I'm thinking of/feeling without bringing God into the equation, actually a better way to describe that is there IS no equation without God. So I don't really even apologize if this offends you, this is my heart, and if you know me, (which I have no clue why you would be reading this if you don't, but if you don't then hello! My name is Brooke), you know that my heart is to love people, and I love you! I really do, I may not like everyone that much, but I do love everyone. Because Christ loved me. The End. That's it! There's no other reason, and there doesn't need to be another reason.

First of all, church was AMAZING today. Wow, I could seriously barely contain myself. I just felt as if God was moving so powerfully through the message, through His Word. I would encourage everyone to go listen to the beginning of the study of James, all about WISDOM in tough situations...

http://www.southlakechurch.com/content.cfm?id=213


It's so incredible how a book or story we may have read a million times becomes so new and alive depending on what season of life we are going through! There have been some questions as to what exactly I'll be doing in Nicaragua, and the honest answer is that I don't exactly know yet. That's a little scary to admit because I will need to be raising support soon :) And I want people to feel all moved and excited, and you still can be! What I mean by "I don't exactly know" isn't that I have no plan, it's just that God has a plan that I am waiting to hear details about it. i want to be open though, open so He can form what's going to take place. I know that my heart is to mentor those girls living at the Villa who have been moved out of horribly abusive situations in the dump, and that my heart is to facilitate teams coming through and help lead them through a life changing experience. AH! That is so my heart! First when I get down there I want to start at an immersion program where I will really just be dedicated to learning Spanish. I have been working on Rosetta Stone here, but I know I will need more and I want to be able to build a respect from the people down there and I want to be able to minister relationally and to do so I will need to speak their language.

You know what's funny though? I was sort of convicted today driving through Portland, because I want to learn the language of the people who I want to minister to in Nicaragua, and yet I'm passing a lot of people everyday that I am an expert in their language! And I seem to pass up a lot of opportunities to talk to them and build relationships. So I really am trying to be better at that. I think it's easy sometimes to forget we live IN a mission field.

But I just feel so free today! Why else are we here than to live FREE because Christ died for us? It's amazing how we live in so much guilt. I have a tattoo on my wrist that says "It Is Finished" in Greek, the last words of Jesus. HE CAME SO WE COULD BE FREE! It's not condemning, it's not guilt driven, it is absolute freedom. When He calls me to patience and to have wisdom and to seek after Him I know it's not a weak life to live, it is powerful patience, it is powerful, life-changing wisdom. I get to be best friends with the King of the world. And He has a purpose for me here, and so with this next venture in my life down to a very different country, I KNOW that I am covered. I know that this is going to be hard but it is going to be life changing because I am in the center of God's will for me. I know that it's me and God. And that truly is becoming ALL I need. I am GOING to have fun in this! I am going to bring all of who He has created me to be to this next challenge. Because the only reason to live is to fulfill God's calling on my life, and that is simply to Love Him and Love Others. Nicaragua is the form it's taking in two months. But it will take many different forms throughout my life and it already has. Some I've stepped up to the challenge, some I've let slip by, but I know in all of that God's calling hasn't changed. This a powerful thing! If you are reading this and you are not saved, then God just wants to love you! He wants to be able to show you why you were created and for you to experience and ENJOY all there is to this life. True joy comes from fulfillment, not from comfort. And if you are saved, join with me in stepping up to our responsibility that we now have to join HIM in this crazy adventure!!! :)

Sam Martin played at our church today and I bought one of his CD's. (Hi Sam if you're reading this! Thanks for letting me steal some of your creative thoughts). :) I was listening to it in the car ride to the coffee shop I'm sitting at right now, and there's a song called "They Caught Us Dancing", or at least it says it in the song, I'm not sure of the title. But I just think it's SO COOL! Let's dance and sing and enjoy our lives to the FULLEST! Not letting scary decisions or circumstances, or cynicism or especially religion hold us back from being who we were created to be! Let's DANCE! Who cares who's watching? Let them catch us! I hope they do! Let's live the lives that God has called us to that defy what the world thinks of God and faith. He is dancing! So let's join! I will forever dance and be FREE in this calling no matter what He asks of me. Why else are we here? We will have eternity to be free of these challenges, let's step up once again today and say Yes to God, and then ask Him what we just agreed to :) (Nicaragua team two folks, you should remember that!)

The title of my blog has a lot more to do with who I am as a person being combined to my new calling than it does actual jewelry, but I will be bringing jewelry to Nicaragua. I have been created by my God, and He is the only one I need to answer to, and He has created me with desires ranging from my love of shopping to my love of seeing Christ move in lives. And I will bring everything I have with no expectations except to expect God's greatness in the littlest things. That's when we're used, and that's when the greatest purpose of this life is fulfilled, when we're in motion! When we're dancing.

Ready

I'm feeling so out of place right now, I have no "home" although I'm SO THANKFUL to Liz and Jeff and Bob for letting me live/keep all of my junk at their places. I am out of a job in a couple of days, living out of suitcases, etc...I guess it's good preparation, but I even felt more "settled" in Nicaragua then I do now. It's hard to have NO routine, and NO schedule. It has freed me up to be able to see all of you loverly's :) Many more happy hours are ahead before I leave...let me tell you dat!! :) (That's for you Mario). But I tend to be very quick to change moods these days, probably because of that. If you know me, I'm already moody so I'm working on that. I start to feel really overwhelmed very quickly by the most unusual things. Not good...already my tendency, but not good. I'm so blessed though to be surrounded by so many people who are supporting me in this! Thank you to all of you! (You know who you are!)

I just want to live as if I was created for this day specifically. I know in my head that I am, but I don't always allow that to sink into my heart and LIVE like it. I don't want to wait until I get to Nicaragua. I can't just put off my "growth" and "learning" to the day that I get down to Nica, because guaranteed I'm not going to feel so overwhelmed by God's purpose every second down there...so I need to start here. Now. Where God has placed me. I'm reading this book called "To Live Is Christ" by Beth Moore about the passion of Paul. Very inspiring, but interesting reading about Paul while he was still Saul...The first mention of Saul in the Bible was at the stoning of Stephen (the first Christian martyr). And so they started describing Stephen. It's true that most of us would struggle with naming all of the disciples, but ask us who the first martyr was and most of us can tell you! If not, then now you know! You're welcome. :)

Stephen very well could have been created for THAT DAY alone. God uses us everywhere and everyday, but I believe that the PURPOSE of Stephen was fulfilled in that day. Even him crying out to God to not condemn those who were there probably had a HUGE part in the salvation of Saul...and we all know where that led...if you don't, just read most of the new testament...I promise, it's not as boring as you may think!

I want to live so that when my last day comes I wasn't putting anything off. Stephen may or may not have known that that was going to be his last day, but what I do know is that he was READY in case it was.
May we all live in a state where every day we are ready.

So here I go....

"What are you going to do in another country?" That has been a question I have received for years as I've told people about my dream and desire to do full time missions. And to be honest, as confident as I may sound in my "I don't know, but I just know I'm called" answer to those people, the question itself has haunted me to an extent as well. In the world's eyes, I really have no "expertise" that can be greatly used in underprivileged countries, and yet it's been the one constant thing I've held onto since I was in 7th grade. And here I am tonight sitting in my friends living room, still trying to allow the reality of my decision to move to Nicaragua in two months time to sink in.

Rewind to about 3 and a half weeks ago. I led two teams down to Nicaragua on short term mission trips. I'm sitting in the back of a rickety truck/van in Managua, Nicaragua on my way to the hospital for a back injury. I'm frustrated, I'm probably feeling sorry for myself, and I'm just zoning out as we drive through the city. I start focusing on the people I saw driving by, I started focusing on the city, and I just thought to myself, "I wish I could just connect with them, I wish I could just be a part of their daily lives." And God spoke. "That's it Brooke, THAT is what you're called to do in other countries." Now, I know as Christians, we are all called to connect with other people, to build relationships, but this was different. God revealed something new to me about my greatest calling in this life, and I've always been confident in that area! I am very social, I love people, I love mentoring and leading no matter how difficult it can be, but I've never recognized that as a strength and a CALLING that God has placed on my life until now. And for some reason, on top of all of that, God has called this crazy white blond girl from a small town in the NW to do this in other countries, and more recently to do this specifically in Nicaragua.

Now I know this is a change to what I have been planning on recently. If you know me at all you've probably heard that I was planning on moving to San Diego in one week. I have decided against that because I truly believe that God has called me to be released into full time missions at this point in my life and He's calling me to launch that down in Nicaragua. My amazing church Southlake, is in full support and is being so helpful in supporting and sending me, and I will be working with an awesome organization called Forward Edge International.
This may not make sense to a lot of people. It doesn't fully make sense to me! But that is when God's TRUE miracles take place, because no matter how much we can plan our own lives, God always has BIGGER AND BETTER, and when I say bigger and better I mean incredibly bigger and incredibly better! I know there have been so many times in my life that God has had polar opposite plans than mine and I have always walked away from those closed doors kicking and screaming and pouting and feeling so sorry for myself and lost, and then I turn around and I see this little stream of light coming from a completely different direction than I have EVER looked before, and then I see my Jesus standing there, nudging me towards that tiny stream with virtually no explanation as to what it is, but it gives me hope. And so I take God's hand and I look Him in the eye and try a little harder than last time to trust Him, and to not break eye contact as often or as long as the last time, and I feel His love and His excitement for where that light leads, and it's ALWAYS better.

And so that's what I'm doing. Does this decision scare the crap out of me? Yes. Does it make sense fully? No. As of right now all I can see is God's face and that little stream of hope peeking out from behind Him. There are SO many things in the past couple of weeks that have confirmed this decision, and have challenged this decision, and that would take a much longer blog post than what you're already having to endure :) But it's been incredible how much God has grown me, and prepared me for this decision. I have so many questions, I think a lot about everything I will need to be giving up. Even things that may seem stupid to many, but questions come up like, how many of my clothes and shoes am I going to have to leave behind? Can I wear my jewelry in Nicaragua? I'm so social, will I be able to make friends, and will I be able to go out with them? Definitely not as much as I do at home! And if all of those things are part of who I'm made up to be; my love for jewelry, fashion, going out with friends, than am I going to have to give up a part of who I am? How am I going to say goodbye?

I've been going to physical therapy for my back injury, and instead of focusing solely on my lower back where the injury is, my therapist has been focusing on me strengthening my core. Because when my core is stronger, it supports that part that hurts, and helps relieve that pain. I was laying in bed last night and just started crying, thinking of everything that God was calling me to in the near future, and in the midst of feeling that pain and that beginning of letting go completely to God's will, this thought came to me. Jesus is my core. And the stronger my core is, the more it supports me in my pain, and the stronger I become. I was able to be so rational in that moment of emotion! I knew that my emotions would come and go, but that my core stays the same. And I am so confident in my calling, and I am SO EXCITED in my calling! Nothing but God will be able to change my direction when the time comes. And that makes those hard moments so much easier to get through! :)

So here I go....into the wild unknown. I'll write more later explaining more about what I'm going to be doing, and when I'm going to be going...and to announce some big fabulous going away party I'll be having wearing as many outfits as I can in one night to give my shoes and jewelry and cute clothes one more chance before I say "adios" for a while ;) If you want to follow this than great! I just wanted to write so that whoever wants to can follow along, and honestly it helps me process....so here we go. Thank you for your prayers and support. And now I go to study my Rosetta Stone, and wake up tomorrow morning taking each day as it comes, waiting in complete anticipation for God to show me a little bit more of where He's leading me. But what else are we here for anyway? It keeps it interesting at least, and I feel SO honored to be called :)