One year ago I was on my way moving down to San Diego, about two hours outside of San Francisco, I had just left Portland that morning and it was just me and whatever fit inside my VW Beetle and the road. What a crazy feeling to look back on this last year.
One of the major things that God really was trying to teach me over this past year, and the lesson that continues to this very moment is the concept of allowing Him to shape what success is in my life. Sometimes I look at my life and I see it from the world's eyes. Sometimes I see coming back from San Diego before even one year was up as a failure, like I didn't give it a chance. But I went down one year ago with the intention of following God, and I came back with the same.
I have to constantly remind myself that success is rarely in the big moments when everything falls together, success is following God every step of the way even when it doesn't look right. Even when you can't see how anything's going to work out, you keep moving forward. I think God's more pleased with those moments than the more obvious achievements.
All of my life, even when I was turning away from the plans God had for me, I have been saturated in His presence. I haven't been able to escape it, and I find myself looking back at this last year seeing God's presence dramatically in every corner. That makes me happy. I miss San Diego, I wonder what would have happened if I had stayed, I wonder what would have happened if I had never gone, and who knows? I just wonder these things out of curiosity, I realize they're pointless thoughts, but then again, maybe they're not. It's brought me to a place where the less I SEE what God is doing or what God may have planned with a certain situation, the more I can SEE God Himself in that and not my own portrayal of what should be.
I heard a speaker on the radio this morning say, "Being filled with the Holy Spirit doesn't mean we get more spirit, it means the Holy Spirit gets more of us." I think I gave more of myself to the Holy Spirit in the last year, and whether I stay in Portland for the rest of my life now or move every 10 months until the day I die, I think that if I'm giving myself to the Holy Spirit more and more, then my life will be defined by my maker, and that is something to look back on and be proud of. Thank you to everyone who have been my support and link to God over the past year. It has not gone unnoticed :)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
How Bizarre, How Bizarre
I love working in a place where every single day is different from the one before. Right now we are in the process of really detailed definitions of what our goals are out here at Roosevelt, and we're organizing volunteer opportunities to give anyone and everyone a chance to really serve if their heart so desires. And yet, it's been a difficult task because there is literally something different coming up nearly every day. It's good though :) It's great actually. Just a little bizarre. I was just writing back and forth this morning with Kristine, who established the gigantic shoes we are now trying to fill ;), and I just was struck with how bizarre this job is :) It's so weird! A church in a public school reaching out to the students and community. Homecoming planning is ministry now, and yet it's just what Jesus did. He went fishing with, ate meals with and celebrated with the people that He was reaching out to.
Yesterday I actually said the name of Jesus to a student for the first time. That is definitely not something that happens out here, and I actually really like that. I'll explain the context to you though...He asked Heather and I what kind of a church we went to, and he asked "Is it an open church?" When I asked him what he meant by that he said that most Christians were very closed minded. Heather and I told him our hearts as a church were to show others what we are for, rather than what we are against. And then I said, "We absolutely believe that Jesus Christ is the Savior, and we believe that He is all about relationships, so that's what we are about." He seemed to take this answer really well and we proceeded onto conversations about finding food he could feed his mice, among other things. I almost felt like I had done something wrong at first, but I know that it was God.
I've been overwhelmed with the concept of fearing God recently. I feel like Satan has been extremely sneaky in the past week to two weeks to really discourage me. And I've actually been letting it happen a bit. But multiple things have happened within the course of just a few days that have been hammering the idea of the Fear of God into my head. On Friday night I had the privilege of meeting with some amazing girls, and each one of us brought a verse and some thoughts on it, and every single one had one common denominator: When we fear God with our whole hearts, it leads to submission, trust, and dying to ourselves which leads to God being manifested in our lives. And then Kip spoke this weekend on turning away from the desire to love this world. I took that one step further and felt like I needed to stop letting the view this world had about ME make me feel less about myself. Satan uses this world to make us feel like we are alone, that we don't have what it takes, that there's always someone or something better than us and on and on and on. The fight against this idea is the heart behind what we're doing here at Roosevelt, and the heart behind how I want to treat everyone in my life. We want to stop that idea from spreading and show people what incredible value every single life has!
With all of the discouragement that I feel has been trying to take over my heart, I realized that by simply being reminded of the BIGNESS of God, and His love for me, and HIS opinion of me, is the only way to see myself and stay in the stride of God. I want to be so caught up in His will, His opinion and His purpose that wisdom and purpose oozes out of every action I take and every word I say. I believe this comes out of being on my face before God and developing an ever deepening fear of the Lord, an ever deepening realization of how BIG He is and at the same time an ever deepening realization of how CHOSEN I am. We all are, and no matter what bizarre situation we find ourselves in, we can be sure that if we're following Him, we are exactly where we are supposed to be. I want to be able to be trusted by Him in everything, so that bigger and better things can be awaiting me.
I believe it is in this place, the place of pure realization of the unity between us and God, that we can be confident that we have what it takes because God says so. So I'm standing up to the world because, as the beloved elementary school phrase so well puts it, "My dad is bigger than your dad, world".
Yesterday I actually said the name of Jesus to a student for the first time. That is definitely not something that happens out here, and I actually really like that. I'll explain the context to you though...He asked Heather and I what kind of a church we went to, and he asked "Is it an open church?" When I asked him what he meant by that he said that most Christians were very closed minded. Heather and I told him our hearts as a church were to show others what we are for, rather than what we are against. And then I said, "We absolutely believe that Jesus Christ is the Savior, and we believe that He is all about relationships, so that's what we are about." He seemed to take this answer really well and we proceeded onto conversations about finding food he could feed his mice, among other things. I almost felt like I had done something wrong at first, but I know that it was God.
I've been overwhelmed with the concept of fearing God recently. I feel like Satan has been extremely sneaky in the past week to two weeks to really discourage me. And I've actually been letting it happen a bit. But multiple things have happened within the course of just a few days that have been hammering the idea of the Fear of God into my head. On Friday night I had the privilege of meeting with some amazing girls, and each one of us brought a verse and some thoughts on it, and every single one had one common denominator: When we fear God with our whole hearts, it leads to submission, trust, and dying to ourselves which leads to God being manifested in our lives. And then Kip spoke this weekend on turning away from the desire to love this world. I took that one step further and felt like I needed to stop letting the view this world had about ME make me feel less about myself. Satan uses this world to make us feel like we are alone, that we don't have what it takes, that there's always someone or something better than us and on and on and on. The fight against this idea is the heart behind what we're doing here at Roosevelt, and the heart behind how I want to treat everyone in my life. We want to stop that idea from spreading and show people what incredible value every single life has!
With all of the discouragement that I feel has been trying to take over my heart, I realized that by simply being reminded of the BIGNESS of God, and His love for me, and HIS opinion of me, is the only way to see myself and stay in the stride of God. I want to be so caught up in His will, His opinion and His purpose that wisdom and purpose oozes out of every action I take and every word I say. I believe this comes out of being on my face before God and developing an ever deepening fear of the Lord, an ever deepening realization of how BIG He is and at the same time an ever deepening realization of how CHOSEN I am. We all are, and no matter what bizarre situation we find ourselves in, we can be sure that if we're following Him, we are exactly where we are supposed to be. I want to be able to be trusted by Him in everything, so that bigger and better things can be awaiting me.
I believe it is in this place, the place of pure realization of the unity between us and God, that we can be confident that we have what it takes because God says so. So I'm standing up to the world because, as the beloved elementary school phrase so well puts it, "My dad is bigger than your dad, world".
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Today could be the day
I was talking with my brother the other night, listening to his dreams, his passions, his story. I'm very blessed to have a brother who has an inspiring passion. I get inspired by a lot, it doesn't seem to take much for me to get excited about something. Then again it doesn't take much for me to get irritated, angry (always righteously of course):), or sad about something. But I'm so thankful for my passion. Being around passionate people everyday is the greatest thing I could ever ask for.
I believe Jesus was insanely passionate. When people read his stories from The Book as if he were this monotonous biology professor it kills me. He was a man, He was passionate and loved deeply and hurt deeply and expressed all of it. His followers who actually made a difference in this world were passionate, and I long to be one of those. My passion can get me into trouble sometimes, because as passionate as Jesus was, He also knew how to express it and what was appropriate when. That's the little piece I'm still working on :) BUT I am working on it.
Being at this school everyday is the greatest blessing I could have, but it's such a learning period for me on how to tame this passion. Heather and I see kids every single day that don't have anything. Or even if they have some stuff, their souls are still lacking of true life. It took everything in me the other day when a kid came in here and broke down to not reach out and start praying for him immediately...I had to choke it back and just let my soul loose inside of me to start crying out to God while keeping my composure on the outside. But passionate prayer is something that I want to grow in. It's not about the words people hear you saying to God, it's about that soul to soul connection with my Savior on behalf of these PRECIOUS lives that I have the blessing to interact with every single day.
I am considering stopping this blog and beginning one that is specifically for Roosevelt and the work that Southlake is doing everyday out here, not just with Heather, Jeff Jacob and I, but all of the incredible people I speak with every single day from Southlake who are volunteering, helping and desiring to do more. These lives are worth it, just like you and I are worth enough to God that He would do everything He's done in our lives up until this point to get us to where we're at.
I had a girl come in today who was depressed about her weight and saw herself as nothing. We've met kids who's parents are in prison, who's lives have been turned upside down by abuse, a 15 year old who's pregnant and was sent away from her home and goes to doctor's appointments alone on a public bus, kids who's only hope is stealing or selling drugs to support their own families. I'm not naive enough to think this only happens out here either. I see it everywhere. It's brutal to see people through God's eyes sometimes. I see God's opinion of these people, the beauty, value, hope, PASSION about this one individual soul. And it just makes me feel like I can't even breathe sometimes. But I can say God's words, I can speak truth into these lives, and I can let my soul loose and let the Holy Spirit plead to the Father for me on behalf of lost souls. THAT is what we all have the chance to do every single day.
My dad used to live with some guys at an older guys house, and everyday when this older guy would come in and wake them up he'd say, "Today could be the day guys". They lived every single day with the realization that Jesus could be coming back any minute now, just like the days of the first church. Because of that my dad touched more lives by the age of 38 than most people do in a lifetime. They saw every single person they met as a chance to help them meet their creator or serve them in any way they could think of.
My passion can make me have good intentions a lot of the time, but it doesn't always drive me to constant action on behalf of the Lord. I am on a mission to change that. And that comes from constant direct dialogue with my Father and asking Him to show me how every single moment can be dedicated to Him and not to my own selfish desires. After all, today IS the day.
I believe Jesus was insanely passionate. When people read his stories from The Book as if he were this monotonous biology professor it kills me. He was a man, He was passionate and loved deeply and hurt deeply and expressed all of it. His followers who actually made a difference in this world were passionate, and I long to be one of those. My passion can get me into trouble sometimes, because as passionate as Jesus was, He also knew how to express it and what was appropriate when. That's the little piece I'm still working on :) BUT I am working on it.
Being at this school everyday is the greatest blessing I could have, but it's such a learning period for me on how to tame this passion. Heather and I see kids every single day that don't have anything. Or even if they have some stuff, their souls are still lacking of true life. It took everything in me the other day when a kid came in here and broke down to not reach out and start praying for him immediately...I had to choke it back and just let my soul loose inside of me to start crying out to God while keeping my composure on the outside. But passionate prayer is something that I want to grow in. It's not about the words people hear you saying to God, it's about that soul to soul connection with my Savior on behalf of these PRECIOUS lives that I have the blessing to interact with every single day.
I am considering stopping this blog and beginning one that is specifically for Roosevelt and the work that Southlake is doing everyday out here, not just with Heather, Jeff Jacob and I, but all of the incredible people I speak with every single day from Southlake who are volunteering, helping and desiring to do more. These lives are worth it, just like you and I are worth enough to God that He would do everything He's done in our lives up until this point to get us to where we're at.
I had a girl come in today who was depressed about her weight and saw herself as nothing. We've met kids who's parents are in prison, who's lives have been turned upside down by abuse, a 15 year old who's pregnant and was sent away from her home and goes to doctor's appointments alone on a public bus, kids who's only hope is stealing or selling drugs to support their own families. I'm not naive enough to think this only happens out here either. I see it everywhere. It's brutal to see people through God's eyes sometimes. I see God's opinion of these people, the beauty, value, hope, PASSION about this one individual soul. And it just makes me feel like I can't even breathe sometimes. But I can say God's words, I can speak truth into these lives, and I can let my soul loose and let the Holy Spirit plead to the Father for me on behalf of lost souls. THAT is what we all have the chance to do every single day.
My dad used to live with some guys at an older guys house, and everyday when this older guy would come in and wake them up he'd say, "Today could be the day guys". They lived every single day with the realization that Jesus could be coming back any minute now, just like the days of the first church. Because of that my dad touched more lives by the age of 38 than most people do in a lifetime. They saw every single person they met as a chance to help them meet their creator or serve them in any way they could think of.
My passion can make me have good intentions a lot of the time, but it doesn't always drive me to constant action on behalf of the Lord. I am on a mission to change that. And that comes from constant direct dialogue with my Father and asking Him to show me how every single moment can be dedicated to Him and not to my own selfish desires. After all, today IS the day.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Surrendering the process of surrendering
Surrender is a messy thing. It's simultaneously easier and harder to avoid than to face. I have been so confused and frustrated lately. Coming before God really believing that you have surrendered all of your circumstances to Him and yet feeling as if something huge is being withheld without your knowledge is a very frustrating place to be. My position as of late with my job at the church has made me that much more acutely aware of the responsibility I have to be fully surrendered to whatever God has for me, and yet I've felt farther away then where I've wanted to be in the past few days.
A glimpse of light has just barely started to shine on this frustrated confusion I've had. I think what I'm starting to realize is that it's not just circumstances we must surrender. It's also not our emotions, reactions to situations, or spiritual contentment that we must surrender. I must surrender all of the lies that I have believed and have allowed to be ingrained into my heart.
Some things have occurred in the last couple of days that have brought to the surface of my very skin some deeply embedded fears and lies that I have allowed to be buried into my self assessment of my value and worth. This is deeply saddening to me because one of my deepest passions is reaching young girls lives to help them realize their worth; their value in the eyes of Christ, and all of these years I've allowed the same thing to keep me from fully diving into that endeavor. Irony.
Yesterday would have been my dad's 56th birthday. Sometimes I wonder if he was really the only person apart from hopefully my husband one day who would understand me the most. I hear we were a lot alike. As much as I want to discount the whole theory of "daddy issues" I have realized that I can't be healed of them if I don't admit them.
Hi, my name is Brooke, and I have daddy issues.
It's true, and I fear even as I write this that at the sound of that it will send some people running for the hills. I have been told I'm "too much", I have been told I'm too loud, too honest; I have been called crazy, creepy, weird, out of control and pretty much everything else under the sun. Granted a lot of these comments have been self inflicted because of my love of teasing and joking around and using sarcasm as a crutch and a defense, but nonetheless, most of them have cut deep and continue to do so. What's happened over the years is I have begun to believe these things as bad things. Not saying that I don't have a lot of work to do on myself, we all have a lot of work to do, and if you don't think you do than you have the most. What's begun to happen is I have started to doubt that any part of me is ever worth truly, madly, deeply loving. I live in a state of fear that I will be "found out". I live thinking that I will never truly be lovable, that I really am too much, that I will not ever be worth it to anyone to actually stick around. I cover this up by acting extremely confident, and happy, and energetic. These are a part of my personality! And that really is who I am! But not all the time. I have moments where I act that way simply to hide something that will make me look vulnerable or weak.
Ok, now that I've spilled the secret and all my guts along with it, and now that I'm already embarrassed thinking about anybody reading this, I have arrived at my point; I can't get rid of these lies on my own. I must SURRENDER them to my Father who looks at me and tells me I AM WORTH IT. I was worth it already. It is finished. I am His. I am loved despite my quirks, my sin, my imperfections. In fact I'm loved because of them. For years I have felt guilty at not being able to overcome these lies by simply refuting them.
See, surrender is actually the most incredible life giving gift that God could have ever given me. He wants to take these lies from me, but I have to not only declare them as lies, but hand them over to Jesus, heart to heart, and let Him declare them as lies. Let His voice speak over His daughter and heal her of these deeply ingrained life drainers so that no matter who comes and goes out of her life, she will not be able to deny her value.
I'm probably trying to control this process more than I should be, and I am asking God to show me how to surrender these lies to Him, not just try and not believe them on my own. I need to surrender the process of surrendering :) And the only way I know how to do this is to ask for His mercy and let it just wash over me. But I would appreciate prayers from anyone who would be willing to take on such a task and partner with me in the next step of freedom to be able to serve Him without the fear of what others think of me.
A glimpse of light has just barely started to shine on this frustrated confusion I've had. I think what I'm starting to realize is that it's not just circumstances we must surrender. It's also not our emotions, reactions to situations, or spiritual contentment that we must surrender. I must surrender all of the lies that I have believed and have allowed to be ingrained into my heart.
Some things have occurred in the last couple of days that have brought to the surface of my very skin some deeply embedded fears and lies that I have allowed to be buried into my self assessment of my value and worth. This is deeply saddening to me because one of my deepest passions is reaching young girls lives to help them realize their worth; their value in the eyes of Christ, and all of these years I've allowed the same thing to keep me from fully diving into that endeavor. Irony.
Yesterday would have been my dad's 56th birthday. Sometimes I wonder if he was really the only person apart from hopefully my husband one day who would understand me the most. I hear we were a lot alike. As much as I want to discount the whole theory of "daddy issues" I have realized that I can't be healed of them if I don't admit them.
Hi, my name is Brooke, and I have daddy issues.
It's true, and I fear even as I write this that at the sound of that it will send some people running for the hills. I have been told I'm "too much", I have been told I'm too loud, too honest; I have been called crazy, creepy, weird, out of control and pretty much everything else under the sun. Granted a lot of these comments have been self inflicted because of my love of teasing and joking around and using sarcasm as a crutch and a defense, but nonetheless, most of them have cut deep and continue to do so. What's happened over the years is I have begun to believe these things as bad things. Not saying that I don't have a lot of work to do on myself, we all have a lot of work to do, and if you don't think you do than you have the most. What's begun to happen is I have started to doubt that any part of me is ever worth truly, madly, deeply loving. I live in a state of fear that I will be "found out". I live thinking that I will never truly be lovable, that I really am too much, that I will not ever be worth it to anyone to actually stick around. I cover this up by acting extremely confident, and happy, and energetic. These are a part of my personality! And that really is who I am! But not all the time. I have moments where I act that way simply to hide something that will make me look vulnerable or weak.
Ok, now that I've spilled the secret and all my guts along with it, and now that I'm already embarrassed thinking about anybody reading this, I have arrived at my point; I can't get rid of these lies on my own. I must SURRENDER them to my Father who looks at me and tells me I AM WORTH IT. I was worth it already. It is finished. I am His. I am loved despite my quirks, my sin, my imperfections. In fact I'm loved because of them. For years I have felt guilty at not being able to overcome these lies by simply refuting them.
See, surrender is actually the most incredible life giving gift that God could have ever given me. He wants to take these lies from me, but I have to not only declare them as lies, but hand them over to Jesus, heart to heart, and let Him declare them as lies. Let His voice speak over His daughter and heal her of these deeply ingrained life drainers so that no matter who comes and goes out of her life, she will not be able to deny her value.
I'm probably trying to control this process more than I should be, and I am asking God to show me how to surrender these lies to Him, not just try and not believe them on my own. I need to surrender the process of surrendering :) And the only way I know how to do this is to ask for His mercy and let it just wash over me. But I would appreciate prayers from anyone who would be willing to take on such a task and partner with me in the next step of freedom to be able to serve Him without the fear of what others think of me.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I have found my heart's home :)
Well it certainly has been a while since I've written in this, and A LOT has changed. In some ways it seriously feels like I never left Portland, but then I think about how different things would be (or I guess how the same they would have stayed) if I had never left Portland. I'm still processing, through a lot of private dialogue and journaling between Jesus and me, what has changed in me since moving to San Diego and back, but regardless of specifics, I have a deep conviction and peace about the fact that it was absolutely necessary for the direction of my life.
It was just a little over a year ago that I started this blog, with the intention of telling you about my crazy journey to becoming a full time missionary in Nicaragua, and now here I sit, on NW 23rd street in Portland on a GORGEOUS sunny morning. I never would have believed a year ago that I could be content, let alone ecstatic, about being in Portland still one year later, but I can honestly tell you I am.
As always, life has been insane as of late. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to coin that the new normal for me and stop always describing my life as insane, from now on I'll just say life is normal. I love that normal. I complain, I get tired, sick, stressed out...but if that wasn't the case I would be completely bored. So I guess it's the lesser of two evils. Except even as I type that last sentence I realize it's not an evil at all, it's my ideal situation :) And God obviously knows that.
To briefly recap even just the last month: Wrapped things up in San Diego, mom arrived to pack her car along with mine with all my stuff (yes my entire life fits in two cars, and yes most of that is clothes), spent a couple days touring San Diego and started a road trip north, cut my road trip short and drove over night from L.A. to Portland to be here to meet Liz's gorgeous and amazing twin girls, haven't caught up on sleep since then, started a new job that has taken over my life and my heart in the greatest of ways (even though so far I've worked 7 days a week), and have been splitting my life between Vancouver and West Linn.
Almost directly between West Linn and Vancouver there lies a community named St. John's where Roosevelt High school resides. This is the true residence of my life, heart and passion. I could list all of the incredible things that we do there, like running the clothes closet, starting a food pantry, supporting sports teams and activities, reviving a community to bring life back into a place that does not deserve to be forgotten; but the true work lies in what the Holy Spirit is doing there. Building relationships with these students over having them come in for a granola bar is only something that God can ordain, and He is! Three weeks into the job and just yesterday I consoled two different students who came in crying and sharing with me life stories that I could only imagine. Soon I will need to devote an entire blog, or maybe the rest from now on, to the incredible things happening out there at that school of 700 students, but for now all I can say is my heart has never been more connected to a ministry; community; family; really a purpose than it is to Roosevelt.
The whole title of this blog (can I wear jewelry in Nicaragua) was a reflection on the dilemma of how I could mesh two very dominate sides to my personality that I believe God equipped me with. That's what my ministry and job is at Roosevelt! It's the best of both world's. I feel more myself than ever before and yet step into a different world and mission field everyday. This job is proof that the ideas and plans God has for us are BEYOND anything I could ever dream. One year ago my heart was set on what I thought was the calling on my life, little did I know that all I needed to do was drive up I-5 half an hour and I would find my heart's home. It only took me leaving Portland for 10 months to realize and be content with that. I can not wait to see the miracles that happen in this community. There are NO WORDS to describe how humbled and privileged I feel to be allowed to be a part of this for however long God sees fit. And there are no words to describe how happy I am to be back :)
It was just a little over a year ago that I started this blog, with the intention of telling you about my crazy journey to becoming a full time missionary in Nicaragua, and now here I sit, on NW 23rd street in Portland on a GORGEOUS sunny morning. I never would have believed a year ago that I could be content, let alone ecstatic, about being in Portland still one year later, but I can honestly tell you I am.
As always, life has been insane as of late. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to coin that the new normal for me and stop always describing my life as insane, from now on I'll just say life is normal. I love that normal. I complain, I get tired, sick, stressed out...but if that wasn't the case I would be completely bored. So I guess it's the lesser of two evils. Except even as I type that last sentence I realize it's not an evil at all, it's my ideal situation :) And God obviously knows that.
To briefly recap even just the last month: Wrapped things up in San Diego, mom arrived to pack her car along with mine with all my stuff (yes my entire life fits in two cars, and yes most of that is clothes), spent a couple days touring San Diego and started a road trip north, cut my road trip short and drove over night from L.A. to Portland to be here to meet Liz's gorgeous and amazing twin girls, haven't caught up on sleep since then, started a new job that has taken over my life and my heart in the greatest of ways (even though so far I've worked 7 days a week), and have been splitting my life between Vancouver and West Linn.
Almost directly between West Linn and Vancouver there lies a community named St. John's where Roosevelt High school resides. This is the true residence of my life, heart and passion. I could list all of the incredible things that we do there, like running the clothes closet, starting a food pantry, supporting sports teams and activities, reviving a community to bring life back into a place that does not deserve to be forgotten; but the true work lies in what the Holy Spirit is doing there. Building relationships with these students over having them come in for a granola bar is only something that God can ordain, and He is! Three weeks into the job and just yesterday I consoled two different students who came in crying and sharing with me life stories that I could only imagine. Soon I will need to devote an entire blog, or maybe the rest from now on, to the incredible things happening out there at that school of 700 students, but for now all I can say is my heart has never been more connected to a ministry; community; family; really a purpose than it is to Roosevelt.
The whole title of this blog (can I wear jewelry in Nicaragua) was a reflection on the dilemma of how I could mesh two very dominate sides to my personality that I believe God equipped me with. That's what my ministry and job is at Roosevelt! It's the best of both world's. I feel more myself than ever before and yet step into a different world and mission field everyday. This job is proof that the ideas and plans God has for us are BEYOND anything I could ever dream. One year ago my heart was set on what I thought was the calling on my life, little did I know that all I needed to do was drive up I-5 half an hour and I would find my heart's home. It only took me leaving Portland for 10 months to realize and be content with that. I can not wait to see the miracles that happen in this community. There are NO WORDS to describe how humbled and privileged I feel to be allowed to be a part of this for however long God sees fit. And there are no words to describe how happy I am to be back :)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
"...you haven't seen nothin' yet!!"
I woke up this morning with a very strong feeling that God is trying to pull me deeper. Seriously, I woke up, and immediately there was a sense of God's voice challenging me to something. And my response? To the great SURPRISE of myself, it was a simple "Ok". Without "what is it?", or "show me something specific", or even "this is probably just my weird dream that I just had", I just simply conceded and started doing everything I could today to just listen, and open myself up wider to whatever it is that God has.
I am moving back to Portland in a week and a half, and I am having mixed emotions about it. The girl I work with is SO sad, and that makes me really sad. It's going to be a lot harder for me than I think I realize to leave her, and to leave everyone here for that matter. But I was reminded today through numerous things, (a book I'm reading, a movie I saw, reading scripture, and most recently a phone convo I had with my mom), that God is challenging me to LET GOOOOO of everything; to absolutely strip down and dive fully into abandonment to my Jesus.
See, technically I'm moving "back" to a place I've been before...but I'm going back to a new life, and as a new person. I believe that God is wanting to show me a very specific vision for my life, and this vision is going to require complete sacrifice of everything I've ever imagined for my life. This is a semi-scary/semi-invigorating thought for me. And I know that He won't show me until I'm willing to jump in with my whole life, soul, heart, and body. He has been preparing me, and until now my growth has been sufficient, but now, now it's different.
Even my good and great and God-centered vision and dreams for my life are at risk right now. Everything He's given me in my life must go. Even going back to Portland, I need to shed every expectation and "what used to be" notion and be fully abandoned to whatever He has next for me. The thing is, we let our emotions govern us so often, and although those are very real and worth facing and listening to at times, even those have become pale in comparison to this deeper and deeper reality of the spiritual realm. It's once we're able to look at everything and everyone we love desperately in this life, and have that all still pale in comparison to the reality of God and HIS voice and HIS vision that we're still being held back from things and purpose He has for us.
I was at a movie tonight and there was a preview for "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" and there was this scene that I swear God spoke to me through! (It could have just been me, but I don't think so). It was Aslan, and he looked at the kids and said "You have come back for a reason, this is where your adventure begins". Looking at that statement I think, "well, ya, but my whole life has been an advenutre", but God is calling me to a deeper one. It's almost like He was like "Oh Brooke, you haven't seen nothin' yet!" :) And that thought makes everything He's calling me to that seems daunting and scary and risky SO worth it! (and I don't even know what those things are yet!) It's a very ALIVE place to be.
I believe He's saying that to all of us! "Oh - place your name here -, you haven't seen nothin' yet!" It just takes us to listen with our souls rather than our over-analyzing brains :)
I am moving back to Portland in a week and a half, and I am having mixed emotions about it. The girl I work with is SO sad, and that makes me really sad. It's going to be a lot harder for me than I think I realize to leave her, and to leave everyone here for that matter. But I was reminded today through numerous things, (a book I'm reading, a movie I saw, reading scripture, and most recently a phone convo I had with my mom), that God is challenging me to LET GOOOOO of everything; to absolutely strip down and dive fully into abandonment to my Jesus.
See, technically I'm moving "back" to a place I've been before...but I'm going back to a new life, and as a new person. I believe that God is wanting to show me a very specific vision for my life, and this vision is going to require complete sacrifice of everything I've ever imagined for my life. This is a semi-scary/semi-invigorating thought for me. And I know that He won't show me until I'm willing to jump in with my whole life, soul, heart, and body. He has been preparing me, and until now my growth has been sufficient, but now, now it's different.
Even my good and great and God-centered vision and dreams for my life are at risk right now. Everything He's given me in my life must go. Even going back to Portland, I need to shed every expectation and "what used to be" notion and be fully abandoned to whatever He has next for me. The thing is, we let our emotions govern us so often, and although those are very real and worth facing and listening to at times, even those have become pale in comparison to this deeper and deeper reality of the spiritual realm. It's once we're able to look at everything and everyone we love desperately in this life, and have that all still pale in comparison to the reality of God and HIS voice and HIS vision that we're still being held back from things and purpose He has for us.
I was at a movie tonight and there was a preview for "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" and there was this scene that I swear God spoke to me through! (It could have just been me, but I don't think so). It was Aslan, and he looked at the kids and said "You have come back for a reason, this is where your adventure begins". Looking at that statement I think, "well, ya, but my whole life has been an advenutre", but God is calling me to a deeper one. It's almost like He was like "Oh Brooke, you haven't seen nothin' yet!" :) And that thought makes everything He's calling me to that seems daunting and scary and risky SO worth it! (and I don't even know what those things are yet!) It's a very ALIVE place to be.
I believe He's saying that to all of us! "Oh - place your name here -, you haven't seen nothin' yet!" It just takes us to listen with our souls rather than our over-analyzing brains :)
Friday, August 13, 2010
A good fog
I keep trying to open my eyes wider, thinking somehow that will penetrate the fog around me better. Everywhere I look I see nothing. Sight is my only sense impaired however. I can hear things that tell me this isn't a bad fog...which is funny since I've only ever associated fog with the unknown which usually, to me, equals bad. Think about when you're driving in fog though, it forces you to slow down; to pay very close attention to everything around you so you're ready for anything!
I can't see anything around me, but I can feel, hear, taste...once in a while I'll hear laughter nearby, sometimes I'll smell something amazing, and everytime I face myself a little bit in that direction as best as I know how. One thing that's certain is that my Father is directly next to, over, in front of and behind me. Lately I haven't even really been able to see Him, but the knowledge of His presence has never been stronger. He plants those sounds, those tastes. He knows what can move me in the slightest difference in direction to keep me on track. Sometimes he spins me completely around and I start going in a different direction altogether, still not a clue of where I'll end up.
I've always associated fog with being bad, but it simply means that my plans regarding direction and where to go have literally disappeared, and this is probably the best thing that could ever happen. I can dream, I can work towards something, but if my life is going to be completely submitted to Jesus, then the fog is necessary. It keeps me from getting distracted by the places that simply LOOK good, and it keeps my senses and my direction completely surrendered and sensitive to Jesus. After all, it's when we can't see ahead of us, yet keep going, that we are DIRECTLY in the center of God's will for our lives. Even Jesus had a different opinion on how He wished His life could go, but He ended His prayer with absolute surrender to God's will, “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” Luke 22:42
I'm hours away from getting on a plane to Nicaragua. I'm excited but this is completely out of my control, I have no other choice but to stretch my hand out in the fog and keep walking forward trusting in my awesome God. I get back and one week later move home to Portland with still not a clue about what I'm going back for, all I know is that is the direction God has shifted me towards.
I keep walking forward, keep surrendering as well as I know how, and keep my hand stretched out to my Father knowing that in less than an instant He's there to grab me when I stumble.
The key is staying expectant and excited in the midst of the thickest fog. Lord let my soul take over, and my fleshly worries and fears be taken away into the fog I walk through.
I can't see anything around me, but I can feel, hear, taste...once in a while I'll hear laughter nearby, sometimes I'll smell something amazing, and everytime I face myself a little bit in that direction as best as I know how. One thing that's certain is that my Father is directly next to, over, in front of and behind me. Lately I haven't even really been able to see Him, but the knowledge of His presence has never been stronger. He plants those sounds, those tastes. He knows what can move me in the slightest difference in direction to keep me on track. Sometimes he spins me completely around and I start going in a different direction altogether, still not a clue of where I'll end up.
I've always associated fog with being bad, but it simply means that my plans regarding direction and where to go have literally disappeared, and this is probably the best thing that could ever happen. I can dream, I can work towards something, but if my life is going to be completely submitted to Jesus, then the fog is necessary. It keeps me from getting distracted by the places that simply LOOK good, and it keeps my senses and my direction completely surrendered and sensitive to Jesus. After all, it's when we can't see ahead of us, yet keep going, that we are DIRECTLY in the center of God's will for our lives. Even Jesus had a different opinion on how He wished His life could go, but He ended His prayer with absolute surrender to God's will, “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” Luke 22:42
I'm hours away from getting on a plane to Nicaragua. I'm excited but this is completely out of my control, I have no other choice but to stretch my hand out in the fog and keep walking forward trusting in my awesome God. I get back and one week later move home to Portland with still not a clue about what I'm going back for, all I know is that is the direction God has shifted me towards.
I keep walking forward, keep surrendering as well as I know how, and keep my hand stretched out to my Father knowing that in less than an instant He's there to grab me when I stumble.
The key is staying expectant and excited in the midst of the thickest fog. Lord let my soul take over, and my fleshly worries and fears be taken away into the fog I walk through.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The process of Sanctification
I have been so blessed in my life to be surrounded by amazing people. Godly, wise, strong, influential people. I myself am trying to become one of those people. What's interesting about this blessing, is that I started to take the people around me, their opinions, wisdom, advice, etc...as the Word of God; immediately and without much consultation with God Himself. For a while, as I was learning more and more how to hear the voice of God I think this was ok, but I'm beginning to realize the more I start to hear God's voice in the tone that only my soul responds to, that I was using all of those people as an excuse to not dive deeper within myself. I could rely on these voices, I could trust these people, and I still can.
This started to change however, when I first decided to move to Nicaragua to be a full time missionary (read from the beginning if you want a taste of that journey that took an unexpected turn to sunny San Diego). I remember talking to one of these amazing voices in my life, and I sat before her desperate for an answer, and the one I got was, "You're going to be the only one who can hear God in this." And again, another trusted voice, same answer. Talk about devastating and scary! And yet this is what God's been preparing me for from my first breath. The answer I heard was not the one I wanted to hear. And it seems ever since then a year ago, it's been one answer after another that I don't necessarily want to hear, but things have been changing in my heart. I am hearing Him. I am hearing A LOT of Him. Even the stuff that normally I would want to shut out or get verified by someone else.
I have plans and aspirations to travel the world for God, to reach out to the hurting, the homeless...and these are not just flowery words. THIS IS MY HEART OF HEARTS. I have dreams to change inner city hearts so that when they hear the word Jesus it resembles power and not pain. But when all is said and done, I need to be sanctified by God, open and willing to whatever His plan is. Stripped fully of every voice, of every influence except for raw and real Jesus Christ Himself, Father Son and Holy Spirit.
Please don't get me wrong, we need community! I need community! But honestly, since I've been in San Diego I haven't had much community. But I have had doses and doses of God in ways that I never even knew existed. A lot of people don't understand what I'm doing with my life. I've had people tell me that all they seem to hear is emotional explanations of my walk with God but that they still have no clue what's happening in my life...and you know what I want to say to that? My "emotional" explanations of my walk with God IS what's going on in my life. The details, the plans, they're all scattered. And I get very insecure about this because it doesn't make sense, and I don't know what to tell people when they ask me what the crap I'm doing with my life. But part of what God is doing in me is bringing me to a place where I am FULLY reliant on Him, trusting Him when literally NOTHING makes sense, and doing everything in my power to become more like Him so that I'll be ready when He brings the huge promises He's buried in my heart. THAT is the preparation I'm making in my life right now. I'm making room for Him, learning about Him, learning to stand confidently in His promises even when well meaning voices speak caution into my life.
I've been reading through Romans as I've mentioned, and Paul tackles BIG and tough topics..and I've noticed a pattern. He talks about something controversial like God deciding (or simply stating that He already knows) who will be saved and who won't be in Romans chapter 9, and he speaks to the Gentiles about the Jews losing favor with God and yet shoves it in the Gentiles faces that they're no better than the Jews even though God has shown them grace in chapter 11...then he makes statements like "who are you, a mere human being, to criticize God?" (9:20), or "For who can know what the Lord is thinking?" (11:34)...and then Paul proclaims what a GREAT and awesome God we serve. See we are sanctified by FAITH not answers. We have to choose to believe in who He says He is whether or not what He's doing makes sense. And we have to know Him, in order to trust in Him. We have to find out more about Him and how He's made us to know Him.
Faith, and not answers, this is what God is teaching me. A lot of people have asked me lately "do you think you've accomplished what God moved you to San Diego for?", and my answer? I have no freaking clue. What I do know is that He has dug deep, painfully deep, into my gut and ripped out a lot of notions that I don't have what it takes, that I can't hear Him, that He is not enough, and replaced those with pure and beautiful truth and power through Him and Him alone. So even if I came back to Portland today, I will have been changed. If He wants me to stay I'll stay (a little reluctantly), but I'll stay. I want to move back to Portland soon, but I want what God wants for me more. And I think I can say that honestly for the first time ever.
I am so incredibly thankful for amazing people God has placed in my life, but I am facing the not-so-fun-to-think-about aspect of Jesus when He calls us to love Him MORE than anything or anyONE in our lives. And frankly I'm done trying to explain to everyone what I'm doing and why. When I say I'm just following whatever God wants me to do, I'm not over-spiritualizing anything or trying to sound super Christian, I'm speaking from the newly deepened spirit within me that actually believes that.
This started to change however, when I first decided to move to Nicaragua to be a full time missionary (read from the beginning if you want a taste of that journey that took an unexpected turn to sunny San Diego). I remember talking to one of these amazing voices in my life, and I sat before her desperate for an answer, and the one I got was, "You're going to be the only one who can hear God in this." And again, another trusted voice, same answer. Talk about devastating and scary! And yet this is what God's been preparing me for from my first breath. The answer I heard was not the one I wanted to hear. And it seems ever since then a year ago, it's been one answer after another that I don't necessarily want to hear, but things have been changing in my heart. I am hearing Him. I am hearing A LOT of Him. Even the stuff that normally I would want to shut out or get verified by someone else.
I have plans and aspirations to travel the world for God, to reach out to the hurting, the homeless...and these are not just flowery words. THIS IS MY HEART OF HEARTS. I have dreams to change inner city hearts so that when they hear the word Jesus it resembles power and not pain. But when all is said and done, I need to be sanctified by God, open and willing to whatever His plan is. Stripped fully of every voice, of every influence except for raw and real Jesus Christ Himself, Father Son and Holy Spirit.
Please don't get me wrong, we need community! I need community! But honestly, since I've been in San Diego I haven't had much community. But I have had doses and doses of God in ways that I never even knew existed. A lot of people don't understand what I'm doing with my life. I've had people tell me that all they seem to hear is emotional explanations of my walk with God but that they still have no clue what's happening in my life...and you know what I want to say to that? My "emotional" explanations of my walk with God IS what's going on in my life. The details, the plans, they're all scattered. And I get very insecure about this because it doesn't make sense, and I don't know what to tell people when they ask me what the crap I'm doing with my life. But part of what God is doing in me is bringing me to a place where I am FULLY reliant on Him, trusting Him when literally NOTHING makes sense, and doing everything in my power to become more like Him so that I'll be ready when He brings the huge promises He's buried in my heart. THAT is the preparation I'm making in my life right now. I'm making room for Him, learning about Him, learning to stand confidently in His promises even when well meaning voices speak caution into my life.
I've been reading through Romans as I've mentioned, and Paul tackles BIG and tough topics..and I've noticed a pattern. He talks about something controversial like God deciding (or simply stating that He already knows) who will be saved and who won't be in Romans chapter 9, and he speaks to the Gentiles about the Jews losing favor with God and yet shoves it in the Gentiles faces that they're no better than the Jews even though God has shown them grace in chapter 11...then he makes statements like "who are you, a mere human being, to criticize God?" (9:20), or "For who can know what the Lord is thinking?" (11:34)...and then Paul proclaims what a GREAT and awesome God we serve. See we are sanctified by FAITH not answers. We have to choose to believe in who He says He is whether or not what He's doing makes sense. And we have to know Him, in order to trust in Him. We have to find out more about Him and how He's made us to know Him.
Faith, and not answers, this is what God is teaching me. A lot of people have asked me lately "do you think you've accomplished what God moved you to San Diego for?", and my answer? I have no freaking clue. What I do know is that He has dug deep, painfully deep, into my gut and ripped out a lot of notions that I don't have what it takes, that I can't hear Him, that He is not enough, and replaced those with pure and beautiful truth and power through Him and Him alone. So even if I came back to Portland today, I will have been changed. If He wants me to stay I'll stay (a little reluctantly), but I'll stay. I want to move back to Portland soon, but I want what God wants for me more. And I think I can say that honestly for the first time ever.
I am so incredibly thankful for amazing people God has placed in my life, but I am facing the not-so-fun-to-think-about aspect of Jesus when He calls us to love Him MORE than anything or anyONE in our lives. And frankly I'm done trying to explain to everyone what I'm doing and why. When I say I'm just following whatever God wants me to do, I'm not over-spiritualizing anything or trying to sound super Christian, I'm speaking from the newly deepened spirit within me that actually believes that.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Lord, keep me from stifling Your creativity
I just saw a PHENOMENAL movie tonight called Inception. Seriously. See this movie! So amazingly mind blowing and thrilling and confusing and makes you think like never before, which I LOVE! Having the mind stretched...you know what also makes your mind stretch? Trying to dive deeper into the creator of the universe...just sayin.
My blood is flowin right now folks. My mind is racing so fast and I feel like I need to go jump in the ocean or something! This movie, Inception, is about the ability of the mind, and what happens when you mess with that. The thing that I LOVED about this movie is that it deals with the realm of the IMPOSSIBLE... which seems to be a theme in my life as of late. There's a line in the movie where a character is trying to talk the main guy (someone dear to my heart, Mr. DiCaprio), into doing a project with him... I swear I'm not giving anything away...and he asks him if he would rather take a leap of faith, or live a life filled with regrets, or something along those lines. This strikes a chord with me, and I'll tell you why. Some people say they have no regrets, I say if I could go back and do things differently, I would! Has God through His endless mercy and grace redeemed my life? Yes! Thank you Jesus! Does He still have INCREDIBLE plans for my life? Heck YES He does! But could I have not wasted so much time by running from my calling in the past? Another sound yes.
See here's the thing, this is one of those mind boggling things I mentioned about finding out more about our Creator and Master. He knows the decisions we make and are going to make, and He works with it...but we have the power. We have the decision making responsibility.We have the choice to make LEAPS of faith with our God, or to live a life filled with regrets.
The biggest threats to leaps of faith are the waiting periods. Those periods when we feel like this life has nothing good to offer; like the urging inside of each and every one of our souls is really something that is childish and un-realistic. But I say those urgings, those desires to see God do the impossible in our life ARE childish and un-realistic, which is EXACTLY why we should follow those with all of our hearts. I am in a waiting period right now. I can't see how God is ever going to manifest the insane dreams He has placed in my heart, and in the past, I have allowed this frustration to cause me to lose sight of His promises. But it is in these waiting times that we must make the biggest leaps of faith by still staying in the game. Allowing God to prepare us for what's coming is MORE important than when the actual action starts most of the time. He won't give us something we're not prepared for, and the bigger the dream it seems, the longer the prep time. I am encouraged lately to stay in there, to take a leap of faith by still believing in the dreams that God has given me.
The reason I LOVED this movie so much is because it deals with the imagination and the impossible to the extreme. And this is exactly where we should be if we claim to walk in a relationship with Jesus Christ! BEGIN at the impossible, don't allow your heart to go back into what can be seen and felt, those are all just details of a MUCH bigger plan that God is brewing. You would not be breathing if He didn't have you here still for a bigger purpose. Allow your mind to go there, and then follow it with your feet. The more impossible the better.
I'm reading an amazing book called "Visioneering" by Andy Stanley. It is about exactly what I'm talking about, taking the impossible dreams that God has placed inside of you and doing something with them. The beginning of this book is difficult to get through however because it talks about waiting...about the importance of prep work. Basically the boring stuff. But God is ALWAYS at work behind the scenes, we just need to stay in the game! Be faithful, and don't let these impossibilities frustrate you, allow them to motivate you onward. As long as it does not go against God's Word, let the craziness of a dream become confirmation that the God of the universe is the mastermind behind it.
I'd like to end with a quote from this book:
"You don't know what God is up to behind the scenes of your life. You don't know how close you are to a breakthrough. It is no accident you are where you are. And it is not necessarily a problem that you are not where you assume you ought to be. God is very much in control. He works all things to the good of those who are 'called according to his purpose' (Romans 8:28). His vision for your life is His purpose.
God is using your circumstances to prepare you to accomplish His vision for your life. Your present circumstances are part of the vision. You are not wasting your time. You are not spinning your wheels. You are not wandering in the wilderness. If you are 'seeking first' His kingdom where you are, then where you are is where He has positioned you. And He has positioned you there with a purpose in mind."
If you could, if you've read this far already :), pray this prayer with me!
Jesus, make my starting point the impossible and let my dreams take off from there. Lord be the master of my mind, the leader on the trail, the only thing I seek when searching for purpose. You, Lord, have created this crazy heart and mind that drive me mad sometimes, but it is for YOUR glory that I live and move and breathe, therefore glorify Yourself through me. Show off your amazing imagination through my life Lord, and keep me from stifling Your creativity! Amen and amen.
My blood is flowin right now folks. My mind is racing so fast and I feel like I need to go jump in the ocean or something! This movie, Inception, is about the ability of the mind, and what happens when you mess with that. The thing that I LOVED about this movie is that it deals with the realm of the IMPOSSIBLE... which seems to be a theme in my life as of late. There's a line in the movie where a character is trying to talk the main guy (someone dear to my heart, Mr. DiCaprio), into doing a project with him... I swear I'm not giving anything away...and he asks him if he would rather take a leap of faith, or live a life filled with regrets, or something along those lines. This strikes a chord with me, and I'll tell you why. Some people say they have no regrets, I say if I could go back and do things differently, I would! Has God through His endless mercy and grace redeemed my life? Yes! Thank you Jesus! Does He still have INCREDIBLE plans for my life? Heck YES He does! But could I have not wasted so much time by running from my calling in the past? Another sound yes.
See here's the thing, this is one of those mind boggling things I mentioned about finding out more about our Creator and Master. He knows the decisions we make and are going to make, and He works with it...but we have the power. We have the decision making responsibility.We have the choice to make LEAPS of faith with our God, or to live a life filled with regrets.
The biggest threats to leaps of faith are the waiting periods. Those periods when we feel like this life has nothing good to offer; like the urging inside of each and every one of our souls is really something that is childish and un-realistic. But I say those urgings, those desires to see God do the impossible in our life ARE childish and un-realistic, which is EXACTLY why we should follow those with all of our hearts. I am in a waiting period right now. I can't see how God is ever going to manifest the insane dreams He has placed in my heart, and in the past, I have allowed this frustration to cause me to lose sight of His promises. But it is in these waiting times that we must make the biggest leaps of faith by still staying in the game. Allowing God to prepare us for what's coming is MORE important than when the actual action starts most of the time. He won't give us something we're not prepared for, and the bigger the dream it seems, the longer the prep time. I am encouraged lately to stay in there, to take a leap of faith by still believing in the dreams that God has given me.
The reason I LOVED this movie so much is because it deals with the imagination and the impossible to the extreme. And this is exactly where we should be if we claim to walk in a relationship with Jesus Christ! BEGIN at the impossible, don't allow your heart to go back into what can be seen and felt, those are all just details of a MUCH bigger plan that God is brewing. You would not be breathing if He didn't have you here still for a bigger purpose. Allow your mind to go there, and then follow it with your feet. The more impossible the better.
I'm reading an amazing book called "Visioneering" by Andy Stanley. It is about exactly what I'm talking about, taking the impossible dreams that God has placed inside of you and doing something with them. The beginning of this book is difficult to get through however because it talks about waiting...about the importance of prep work. Basically the boring stuff. But God is ALWAYS at work behind the scenes, we just need to stay in the game! Be faithful, and don't let these impossibilities frustrate you, allow them to motivate you onward. As long as it does not go against God's Word, let the craziness of a dream become confirmation that the God of the universe is the mastermind behind it.
I'd like to end with a quote from this book:
"You don't know what God is up to behind the scenes of your life. You don't know how close you are to a breakthrough. It is no accident you are where you are. And it is not necessarily a problem that you are not where you assume you ought to be. God is very much in control. He works all things to the good of those who are 'called according to his purpose' (Romans 8:28). His vision for your life is His purpose.
God is using your circumstances to prepare you to accomplish His vision for your life. Your present circumstances are part of the vision. You are not wasting your time. You are not spinning your wheels. You are not wandering in the wilderness. If you are 'seeking first' His kingdom where you are, then where you are is where He has positioned you. And He has positioned you there with a purpose in mind."
If you could, if you've read this far already :), pray this prayer with me!
Jesus, make my starting point the impossible and let my dreams take off from there. Lord be the master of my mind, the leader on the trail, the only thing I seek when searching for purpose. You, Lord, have created this crazy heart and mind that drive me mad sometimes, but it is for YOUR glory that I live and move and breathe, therefore glorify Yourself through me. Show off your amazing imagination through my life Lord, and keep me from stifling Your creativity! Amen and amen.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Let your soul take over!
Sometimes, at night, I lay awake wondering how I got to that particular place. It's funny, the places I end up. I've woken up in strangers homes, in dirt huts, in some of the nicest suites in hotels, camp cabins, floors, air mattresses, homes filled with friends, homes filled with strangers, homes completely empty...I experienced a big variety of those all within the last month.
It's a cool feeling though, the feeling of being swept up in God's plan and not understanding a bit of it, but just knowing it's all leading somewhere. Let me back up...it CAN be a cool feeling. It can also be very confusing, frustrating, lonely...
I had the privilege of working at a camp for foster kids at the end of June. It was one of the best refining weeks of my life. Extreme emotional roller coaster the whole time, plus lack of sleep and constant conflict and drama within my cabin made it impossible for me NOT to lean on God. Before the girls got there I found myself alone in our cabin and I walked around praying for each bed and for the girl that was going to inhabit it. The girls in those beds probably find themselves waking up in many different environments within short periods of time as well, although for them it's not their choice. I was struck with how much peace I received from God by simply focusing in on my purpose for being there. By focusing on faith, and believing I was meant to be there, it took the pressure off. It brought clarity and focus to a new and unknown and scary adventure, and at the same time gave God the power and freedom to do whatever He wanted with me that week.
I've been reading through Romans lately, and I don't know if I never noticed this before or if I just don't remember, but I am BLOWN AWAY at the emphasis they put on faith. Paul is constantly stating and restating that by FAITH we are deemed righteous. Not by our works (although we need both), and not even by what Jesus has done for us, but by our act of BELIEVING in what Jesus has done for us and living that way.
I love how Paul refers to Abraham's situation in Romans 4:24-25, "And Abraham's faith did not weaken, even though he KNEW that he was too old to be a father at the age of one hundred and that Sarah, his wife, HAD NEVER BEEN ABLE TO have children." (emphasis mine). It's not about our circumstances, it's not about what is physcially and humanly possible in this world. It's about the fact that we serve a MIGHTY God, the one who created our minds to be able to even logically analyze a situation which is what keeps us from faith so often!
I know this is all been said before, but man, God has opened my eyes in a new way to this TRUTH. I heard in a message at church recently that the more we feed our fears, our faith starves, but the more we feed our faith our fears starve. We look around us and see what's possible and what is not, and we forget that we serve a God that is BEYOND the impossible. To him that's just a silly word made up by us, made up by our fear. His best work is done in impossible situations, all He wants us to do is to BELIEVE that He is bigger, and therefore give Him the power in our lives to show that off!
Faith. By which we are called righteous. What helps us stand when everything seems hopeless. What gives us strength to keep going. What opens our eyes to new and wildly impossible situations therefore getting us one step closer to living by the wings of our soul rather than by the limits of our mind and body.
Let your soul take over today, I know I'm trying.
It's a cool feeling though, the feeling of being swept up in God's plan and not understanding a bit of it, but just knowing it's all leading somewhere. Let me back up...it CAN be a cool feeling. It can also be very confusing, frustrating, lonely...
I had the privilege of working at a camp for foster kids at the end of June. It was one of the best refining weeks of my life. Extreme emotional roller coaster the whole time, plus lack of sleep and constant conflict and drama within my cabin made it impossible for me NOT to lean on God. Before the girls got there I found myself alone in our cabin and I walked around praying for each bed and for the girl that was going to inhabit it. The girls in those beds probably find themselves waking up in many different environments within short periods of time as well, although for them it's not their choice. I was struck with how much peace I received from God by simply focusing in on my purpose for being there. By focusing on faith, and believing I was meant to be there, it took the pressure off. It brought clarity and focus to a new and unknown and scary adventure, and at the same time gave God the power and freedom to do whatever He wanted with me that week.
I've been reading through Romans lately, and I don't know if I never noticed this before or if I just don't remember, but I am BLOWN AWAY at the emphasis they put on faith. Paul is constantly stating and restating that by FAITH we are deemed righteous. Not by our works (although we need both), and not even by what Jesus has done for us, but by our act of BELIEVING in what Jesus has done for us and living that way.
I love how Paul refers to Abraham's situation in Romans 4:24-25, "And Abraham's faith did not weaken, even though he KNEW that he was too old to be a father at the age of one hundred and that Sarah, his wife, HAD NEVER BEEN ABLE TO have children." (emphasis mine). It's not about our circumstances, it's not about what is physcially and humanly possible in this world. It's about the fact that we serve a MIGHTY God, the one who created our minds to be able to even logically analyze a situation which is what keeps us from faith so often!
I know this is all been said before, but man, God has opened my eyes in a new way to this TRUTH. I heard in a message at church recently that the more we feed our fears, our faith starves, but the more we feed our faith our fears starve. We look around us and see what's possible and what is not, and we forget that we serve a God that is BEYOND the impossible. To him that's just a silly word made up by us, made up by our fear. His best work is done in impossible situations, all He wants us to do is to BELIEVE that He is bigger, and therefore give Him the power in our lives to show that off!
Faith. By which we are called righteous. What helps us stand when everything seems hopeless. What gives us strength to keep going. What opens our eyes to new and wildly impossible situations therefore getting us one step closer to living by the wings of our soul rather than by the limits of our mind and body.
Let your soul take over today, I know I'm trying.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
"I can't take my eyes off of you"
I don't have very long to write this but I just had to tell everyone what an AMAZING God we serve. I always think I know the capacity of His amazingness in my best moments with Him, and then He just one-up's Himself everytime! :)
I had a rough night last night, just found out some disappointing news and it hit me harder than I had expected, but I had a couple beers and a LONG heart to heart with God which at least helped me sleep, but I didn't feel much better. This morning though God woke me up early and I went on this loooong walk, cranked my ipod up full blast with worship music and thought that would do the trick. All of that was great, but I had no idea how God would show up.
I made it down to this place called sunset cliffs which overlooks the ocean, and was just overwhelmed by His presence and had to stop. I just stood there, hands on my head feeling so overwhelmed, and NO JOKE I opened my eyes and saw God. Like, not "I saw Him in His creation"...Like I SAW HIS EYES looking straight into mine. It was the most surreal experience, they were HUGE and it's like I couldn't even look at them directly, it's like something that you see only from your peripheral vision that you know is there but you can't look directly at...but I was looking directly at them. And they were HUGE, I could still see the ocean and sky behind them, but they were taking up my whole viewpoint, and yet I felt like if I reached out I could kiss Him! It's hard to describe, but I just felt Him staring at me, looking deep into me, and lovingly, powerfully, and full of grace and deep deep love I heard Him say "I can't take my eyes off of you", in such a way that I just thought I was going to start sobbing, but I couldn't cry, I could only stand there staring back into His eyes.
THEN, once I finally found my footing again and kept walking I could still see His eyes, although they faded eventually, but I was praying in faith that I would be healed of this loneliness that came about whenever I focused on my fears, and this Hillsong song came on my i-pod and during this part where it repeats over and over "Fire fall down, fire fall down, Your fire fall down on us...as we seek you" over and over and I saw SO CLEARLY all of you guys! All of my people who LOVE Jesus and all of my dearest friends and family, plus people who I have just recently met at church or wherever that are a part of this family of Christ and we were all belting it out together. I physically saw a massive army of us standing together and worshiping in a very powerful way. It wasn't all kumbaya and stuff, we were fighting this battle in song, and we were doing it together. My dad was there, my grandma was there, I saw very clearly Lyndsay Dean, Jeff and Liz Jacob, my mom and a bunch of other people in my direct sphere, but then it was like I was hovering above all of us and saw so many of us! There were hundreds of us, and those were just all the people that I knew! I have never felt LESS alone.
God spoke to me in pictures this morning, and it was the most powerful thing to knock me out of my mood and remind me that this is a REAL battle that we fight everyday. The battle that is going on all around us is powerful, and if we lose sight for a second it can overwhelm us.
I forget that I was born into a world at war, and I'm not talking about the one in the Middle East. It is real, and the enemy has been out to destroy me since my first breath that I took. But I stand victorious, knowing that there is a God who is so in love with me that He can't take His eyes off of me, that I am holy and blameless in His sight, and that I am VICTORIOUS because He has already declared this victory, I just have to keep walking and keep watching for how I can be used in this battle.
I had a rough night last night, just found out some disappointing news and it hit me harder than I had expected, but I had a couple beers and a LONG heart to heart with God which at least helped me sleep, but I didn't feel much better. This morning though God woke me up early and I went on this loooong walk, cranked my ipod up full blast with worship music and thought that would do the trick. All of that was great, but I had no idea how God would show up.
I made it down to this place called sunset cliffs which overlooks the ocean, and was just overwhelmed by His presence and had to stop. I just stood there, hands on my head feeling so overwhelmed, and NO JOKE I opened my eyes and saw God. Like, not "I saw Him in His creation"...Like I SAW HIS EYES looking straight into mine. It was the most surreal experience, they were HUGE and it's like I couldn't even look at them directly, it's like something that you see only from your peripheral vision that you know is there but you can't look directly at...but I was looking directly at them. And they were HUGE, I could still see the ocean and sky behind them, but they were taking up my whole viewpoint, and yet I felt like if I reached out I could kiss Him! It's hard to describe, but I just felt Him staring at me, looking deep into me, and lovingly, powerfully, and full of grace and deep deep love I heard Him say "I can't take my eyes off of you", in such a way that I just thought I was going to start sobbing, but I couldn't cry, I could only stand there staring back into His eyes.
THEN, once I finally found my footing again and kept walking I could still see His eyes, although they faded eventually, but I was praying in faith that I would be healed of this loneliness that came about whenever I focused on my fears, and this Hillsong song came on my i-pod and during this part where it repeats over and over "Fire fall down, fire fall down, Your fire fall down on us...as we seek you" over and over and I saw SO CLEARLY all of you guys! All of my people who LOVE Jesus and all of my dearest friends and family, plus people who I have just recently met at church or wherever that are a part of this family of Christ and we were all belting it out together. I physically saw a massive army of us standing together and worshiping in a very powerful way. It wasn't all kumbaya and stuff, we were fighting this battle in song, and we were doing it together. My dad was there, my grandma was there, I saw very clearly Lyndsay Dean, Jeff and Liz Jacob, my mom and a bunch of other people in my direct sphere, but then it was like I was hovering above all of us and saw so many of us! There were hundreds of us, and those were just all the people that I knew! I have never felt LESS alone.
God spoke to me in pictures this morning, and it was the most powerful thing to knock me out of my mood and remind me that this is a REAL battle that we fight everyday. The battle that is going on all around us is powerful, and if we lose sight for a second it can overwhelm us.
I forget that I was born into a world at war, and I'm not talking about the one in the Middle East. It is real, and the enemy has been out to destroy me since my first breath that I took. But I stand victorious, knowing that there is a God who is so in love with me that He can't take His eyes off of me, that I am holy and blameless in His sight, and that I am VICTORIOUS because He has already declared this victory, I just have to keep walking and keep watching for how I can be used in this battle.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Pretty exciting things coming up...could use your prayers :)
I have a feeling the next couple of weeks are going to be very great. But why can't I have that feeling all the time? God has claimed me as His own, therefore I have Him on my side, therefore...there is nothing to fear. Psalm 27, Psalm 27, Psalm 27...I need to always be reminded.
I get fearful, and frustrated, and bored, and sad, and regretful...on and on and on. And NONE of these things are from the Lord whatsoever. He sees me as Holy and Blameless in His sight...absolutely amazing. I fear my own self, my own flesh, my own desires. I fear my failures at being a good testimony, I fail at this all the time. But! At least I can say that I continue to walk forward in my learning process, and I am one of the biggest examples of the Grace of God that there could ever be! :) So there Satan, stick that in your mouth and chew it.
Through a series of extremely out of the blue circumstances including a karaoke DJ I've only briefly met over the years at one of our fav West Linn hot spots the saloon, (SHOUT OUT WEST LINN SALOON PEEPS! You know who you are;)), I have received an opportunity to serve at a church camp for some underprivileged youth up in Northern California next week. I seriously don't know anyone, and I barely know my new friend Kris who has hooked me up with this (although I feel like I've known you forever buddy and am EXTREMELY excited for your connection!) I found out Kris is a pretty awesome guy who works in social work (which I'm most likely going to be going back to school for in the fall...ahem, possibly in Portland), and loves Jesus...aaand did I mention I just happened to have that time off of work fully paid for because the girl I work for is going to be out of town? I had the time off long before I even found out about this camp...so I'm thinking God has something up His very large sleeve and I'm looking forward to it, even though I'm a bit nervous. But I'm actually not as nervous as I thought I'd be!
On my way north I'm going to be able to meet up with dear friend's Dean and Cindy who will be in Oceanside, and then as I continue up the mighty fine state of Cali I'm going to be spending some MUCH needed time with Kristine Sommer at her new home in the L.A. area. I can't even begin to describe how much I'm going to enjoy catching up over lunch and hanging with her fam...then onto the camp, followed by caravaning back down the mighty fine state of Cali stopping off at...where else? Disneyland!! So stoked.
All in all, God is good, even when I am horribly bad...and I'm overwhelmed by His blessings in my life. SO! I will "hold my head high above my enemies who surround me" Psalm 27:6 and boast in what the Lord has done and continues to do for even the likes of me.
Please be praying for this camp if you think of it; for the students, the staff and leaders...There is so much to look forward too, and so much left to be done. Thank you :)
Please keep me in your prayers as well, for my ability to serve whole heartedly at this camp not holding anything back, and for some big decisions I have coming up regarding where I'm going to be headed and what I'm going to be doing the next few months. Love to you all!
I get fearful, and frustrated, and bored, and sad, and regretful...on and on and on. And NONE of these things are from the Lord whatsoever. He sees me as Holy and Blameless in His sight...absolutely amazing. I fear my own self, my own flesh, my own desires. I fear my failures at being a good testimony, I fail at this all the time. But! At least I can say that I continue to walk forward in my learning process, and I am one of the biggest examples of the Grace of God that there could ever be! :) So there Satan, stick that in your mouth and chew it.
Through a series of extremely out of the blue circumstances including a karaoke DJ I've only briefly met over the years at one of our fav West Linn hot spots the saloon, (SHOUT OUT WEST LINN SALOON PEEPS! You know who you are;)), I have received an opportunity to serve at a church camp for some underprivileged youth up in Northern California next week. I seriously don't know anyone, and I barely know my new friend Kris who has hooked me up with this (although I feel like I've known you forever buddy and am EXTREMELY excited for your connection!) I found out Kris is a pretty awesome guy who works in social work (which I'm most likely going to be going back to school for in the fall...ahem, possibly in Portland), and loves Jesus...aaand did I mention I just happened to have that time off of work fully paid for because the girl I work for is going to be out of town? I had the time off long before I even found out about this camp...so I'm thinking God has something up His very large sleeve and I'm looking forward to it, even though I'm a bit nervous. But I'm actually not as nervous as I thought I'd be!
On my way north I'm going to be able to meet up with dear friend's Dean and Cindy who will be in Oceanside, and then as I continue up the mighty fine state of Cali I'm going to be spending some MUCH needed time with Kristine Sommer at her new home in the L.A. area. I can't even begin to describe how much I'm going to enjoy catching up over lunch and hanging with her fam...then onto the camp, followed by caravaning back down the mighty fine state of Cali stopping off at...where else? Disneyland!! So stoked.
All in all, God is good, even when I am horribly bad...and I'm overwhelmed by His blessings in my life. SO! I will "hold my head high above my enemies who surround me" Psalm 27:6 and boast in what the Lord has done and continues to do for even the likes of me.
Please be praying for this camp if you think of it; for the students, the staff and leaders...There is so much to look forward too, and so much left to be done. Thank you :)
Please keep me in your prayers as well, for my ability to serve whole heartedly at this camp not holding anything back, and for some big decisions I have coming up regarding where I'm going to be headed and what I'm going to be doing the next few months. Love to you all!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
trying to be more than a quote...
It has been a little bit since I've written. One excuse is that I've been really busy, and then the truth is just that I haven't really felt like writing. Not in a bad way necessarily, I just haven't been in the mood. It's been a crazy last month or so though, my mom came and visited me :) and then one of my great friends Andrea came to see me. Both trips included plenty of planned and un-planned adventures. Then I was in Georgia for my cousins wedding which was so amazing. I LOVE being with my family, I love being with friends both new and old, I love staying up all night celebrating haha :) It was just a good time all around.
I have been doing more writing in private lately rather than on this blog and realized I'm challenged to just stop talking so much. To shut my mouth about my opinions and rather start living in a much more up-standing way, therefore being an example of my opinions. I'm not saying that I'm going to stop writing or that I don't think words matter, but what are our words if not backed up by something? When it really comes down to it, words are words, but it's the heart and the life behind them that matter.
I love going to Coronado Island down here and walking around the old Hotel Del Coronado. Part of what gets me are the tales of it being haunted. I love stuff like that. And I definitely believe in the spiritual world, in what context that is in reality I don't know, but I just love learning about it and hearing about scary stories. There's this gift shop in the hotel that has a book about the hauntings and I go in and read it and walk around...sort of weird but whatever :)
There's also basically a shrine to Marilyn Monroe because the old movie "Some Like it Hot" was filmed there. This got me thinking, and I am just as guilty as the next person on this next thought...So many people quote her, look up to her, and this goes for pretty much any other celebrity (again, I am including myself in this I promise!), and then you read about the reality of her life (which I have considering I'm obsessed with biographies) and it's filled with depression, drugs, a constant desire to just be loved, ending in a very lonely, young, empty death. And yet we idealize her life, her quotes on being "young and alive and free and defiant and strong! etc..." when really she maybe wanted to be those...but the desire only really made it into a quote, not a life.
I don't want to be summed up by my quotes, my declarations, my spoken desires to be more than I am. I want to be summed up by my life, my actions. I fail at this, but I think to a point we all do, it's just recognizing this and actually trying to DO something about it rather than write about it (ironic that I'm writing about it)or post inspirational quotes (guilty again). None of these things are wrong, but it has to be BACKED UP by our lives and actions.
I can attest personally to the frailty of words spoken with no action. When my dad died nothing anyone said could help, but those that were there, the hugs, the shared tears, that is what I remember. The other night my roommate was having a horrible time and all I could do was hold her, I didn't even try to say anything. There was nothing to say. But I could be there for her.
Sometimes the nicest thing we can do is keep our mouths shut. No derogatory words, no "I told you so's", just pure love, grace, acceptance. Not saying anything can be the greatest act of love at times.
So there I've said it! :) This is a pretty obvious problem in our society, but I really am going to try and make a difference in my life in this area. I take this on as my own personal challenge, to shut my mouth at times and just listen to the Holy Spirit and how He's leading me to actually love, to only write about things if I truly intend for my life to reflect it, and then make that more than an intention and turn it into a reality.
Thanks for listening :) Now hopefully I'll be able to act out my love to ya'll...there's a little of my adopted-by-choice southern Georgia accent I wish I had.
Until next time...let's go live!
I have been doing more writing in private lately rather than on this blog and realized I'm challenged to just stop talking so much. To shut my mouth about my opinions and rather start living in a much more up-standing way, therefore being an example of my opinions. I'm not saying that I'm going to stop writing or that I don't think words matter, but what are our words if not backed up by something? When it really comes down to it, words are words, but it's the heart and the life behind them that matter.
I love going to Coronado Island down here and walking around the old Hotel Del Coronado. Part of what gets me are the tales of it being haunted. I love stuff like that. And I definitely believe in the spiritual world, in what context that is in reality I don't know, but I just love learning about it and hearing about scary stories. There's this gift shop in the hotel that has a book about the hauntings and I go in and read it and walk around...sort of weird but whatever :)
There's also basically a shrine to Marilyn Monroe because the old movie "Some Like it Hot" was filmed there. This got me thinking, and I am just as guilty as the next person on this next thought...So many people quote her, look up to her, and this goes for pretty much any other celebrity (again, I am including myself in this I promise!), and then you read about the reality of her life (which I have considering I'm obsessed with biographies) and it's filled with depression, drugs, a constant desire to just be loved, ending in a very lonely, young, empty death. And yet we idealize her life, her quotes on being "young and alive and free and defiant and strong! etc..." when really she maybe wanted to be those...but the desire only really made it into a quote, not a life.
I don't want to be summed up by my quotes, my declarations, my spoken desires to be more than I am. I want to be summed up by my life, my actions. I fail at this, but I think to a point we all do, it's just recognizing this and actually trying to DO something about it rather than write about it (ironic that I'm writing about it)or post inspirational quotes (guilty again). None of these things are wrong, but it has to be BACKED UP by our lives and actions.
I can attest personally to the frailty of words spoken with no action. When my dad died nothing anyone said could help, but those that were there, the hugs, the shared tears, that is what I remember. The other night my roommate was having a horrible time and all I could do was hold her, I didn't even try to say anything. There was nothing to say. But I could be there for her.
Sometimes the nicest thing we can do is keep our mouths shut. No derogatory words, no "I told you so's", just pure love, grace, acceptance. Not saying anything can be the greatest act of love at times.
So there I've said it! :) This is a pretty obvious problem in our society, but I really am going to try and make a difference in my life in this area. I take this on as my own personal challenge, to shut my mouth at times and just listen to the Holy Spirit and how He's leading me to actually love, to only write about things if I truly intend for my life to reflect it, and then make that more than an intention and turn it into a reality.
Thanks for listening :) Now hopefully I'll be able to act out my love to ya'll...there's a little of my adopted-by-choice southern Georgia accent I wish I had.
Until next time...let's go live!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
The man who carried around a clown nose
I have had the privilege of encountering many a mad person through my job. Mad as in slightly odd, yet refreshingly real in their own way. The woman I work for has a VERY open door policy and has housed homeless pregnant women, drug addicts trying once again at recovery, mission teams on their way down to Mexico, and more animals than can be counted. At this very moment she has three borders who accompany her and her daughter at their humble abode. There's a young marine freshly back from Iraq who has been married and divorced three times and he's younger than me, a girl who goes out every night in skin tight dresses trying to find someone to love her and comes home every morning depressed about her current state in life, and a lesbian who's soul has been thrashed by people who call themselves Christians but no longer choose to call themselves family to her because of her lifestyle. The last one especially disgusts me. The thought of having my sister, God's child whom He loves just as desperately as He loves me, possibly never know her true Father and his love because of people who proclaim His name. I have no words to describe the utter horror I feel at that prospect.
I love all of these people whom I've been getting to know over the past 5 months. God has really opened some great opportunities for great conversation and relationship. The man I met tonight I was actually warned about by the woman of the house, so I knew this character oughta be a good one! After all my boss never warns me about anything nor does she see the need to no matter how bizarre the person may be (and there are more I haven't even listed here that fall into very bizarre categories). This man has been "on the road" as he calls it, or essentially homeless for the past 26 years. He is a GENIUS. He is very crazy as a result of it. He asked me my birthday before he asked me my name, and said he could remember exactly where he was in life due to people's birthday's because he only needed to go back to whatever woman he was sleeping with at the time. He stated that those sort of relationships make a deep groove in our memories, therefore making it the easiest "mile marker" of sorts to go to. He then proceeded to wave his wild locks of curly white hair at me and explain why it's all memory's fault that any person seeks to find a purpose in life, because if we couldn't remember where we came from we wouldn't have any stipulation on where we were going and therefore wouldn't have anything to compare our lives to or any need to have a purpose. He THEN proceeded to get out his stuffed animal which was a white bear and continued to explain that this was his "bi-polar bear" and, as if this weren't enough to take in, pulled a red clown nose from his pocket and put it on. After which he grabbed his glass of wine, went to the middle of the room and said he needed to just stand there for a while and feel what it was like to be in the world again after having driven in his car for so long. At which point I very begrudgingly left because it was time to pick the girl I work for up from her tutoring session.
Although I wish I had more time to speak with this very very interestingly bizarre man, I drove away being completely overwhelmed with the incredible thing we call human experience. I miss so much by being so consumed in my life that I don't soak up all of the madness going on around me. There is God in absolutely everything and everyone. Everyone who is searching is searching for the same thing, because we were all made by the same Creator. Do we go about it in different ways? Yes. But are any of us really that different? Well, yes actually. But that's a beautiful thing. That is how God made us. A mosaic of cultures and languages and life experiences that make us assets to each other if we would just stop being so self consumed. Believe me, I'm writing this for myself. I was bulldozed tonight by how blessed I am that God has allowed so many crazy people and experiences to cross my path, or maybe I'm just crossing theirs.
I just stopped to listen to some conversations around me this morning in Starbucks. As this lady was leaving with her coffee she said, "thank you for your attention." It struck me so that I immediately wrote it down in my notebook. That's what we're all seeking after, but it's God's attention that will ultimately bring us to the place of feeling valued and loved. I want to seek after His attention and not others. The less I'm seeking others attention, the more attention I have to give, and the more I realize I have to learn from them.
I am a student of God. I am a student of people. That is my occupation. Someday I might fall into a life of my own family or career, but God help me, I want to always simply and powerfully be a student of God and what He wants to teach me. Does it matter what we have or where we live? I think it does, but only if we're there or have all of it because God allowed it, because it is His will. If we can look at our life and still see it defined by God and not by our income, or the size of our home, or whether we're married or single, then we know that all of it is by God's will. And if that's the case, then all the more reason to keep giving it up to Him to see what we can learn from everything He's surrounded us by! All I know is that I am just as bizarre as the man who carries a clown nose around in his pocket, the only difference in me is that God has captured my heart. I could very well end up "on the road" for the next 26 years of my life as well, and if that's God's plan for my life then so be it! This is HIS story being played out in my life. The more people I encounter the more I am convinced that I will never have more to give than I have to learn.
God gave me a vision once that reminds me of this mad world we live in. I was at the bottom of the ocean floor with water swirling around me in a huge whirlpool. Like the scene at the end of The Little Mermaid where you could see straight down into it, but Ariel was stuck. I was Ariel, at the bottom of this whirlpool that could cave in on me at any moment or that I could get sucked into at the slightest mis-step. But then Jesus was there with me, and He grabbed my hands and we stood up and started spinning round and around and around. You know like you did when you were a kid? As long as you keep your eyes on the persons eyes across from you, they stay in focus. There was craziness all around me, but Jesus was in the center of it! My eyes were locked with His. And not only was I not afraid anymore of the madness around me, I was actually having fun. We were laughing.
I love all of these people whom I've been getting to know over the past 5 months. God has really opened some great opportunities for great conversation and relationship. The man I met tonight I was actually warned about by the woman of the house, so I knew this character oughta be a good one! After all my boss never warns me about anything nor does she see the need to no matter how bizarre the person may be (and there are more I haven't even listed here that fall into very bizarre categories). This man has been "on the road" as he calls it, or essentially homeless for the past 26 years. He is a GENIUS. He is very crazy as a result of it. He asked me my birthday before he asked me my name, and said he could remember exactly where he was in life due to people's birthday's because he only needed to go back to whatever woman he was sleeping with at the time. He stated that those sort of relationships make a deep groove in our memories, therefore making it the easiest "mile marker" of sorts to go to. He then proceeded to wave his wild locks of curly white hair at me and explain why it's all memory's fault that any person seeks to find a purpose in life, because if we couldn't remember where we came from we wouldn't have any stipulation on where we were going and therefore wouldn't have anything to compare our lives to or any need to have a purpose. He THEN proceeded to get out his stuffed animal which was a white bear and continued to explain that this was his "bi-polar bear" and, as if this weren't enough to take in, pulled a red clown nose from his pocket and put it on. After which he grabbed his glass of wine, went to the middle of the room and said he needed to just stand there for a while and feel what it was like to be in the world again after having driven in his car for so long. At which point I very begrudgingly left because it was time to pick the girl I work for up from her tutoring session.
Although I wish I had more time to speak with this very very interestingly bizarre man, I drove away being completely overwhelmed with the incredible thing we call human experience. I miss so much by being so consumed in my life that I don't soak up all of the madness going on around me. There is God in absolutely everything and everyone. Everyone who is searching is searching for the same thing, because we were all made by the same Creator. Do we go about it in different ways? Yes. But are any of us really that different? Well, yes actually. But that's a beautiful thing. That is how God made us. A mosaic of cultures and languages and life experiences that make us assets to each other if we would just stop being so self consumed. Believe me, I'm writing this for myself. I was bulldozed tonight by how blessed I am that God has allowed so many crazy people and experiences to cross my path, or maybe I'm just crossing theirs.
I just stopped to listen to some conversations around me this morning in Starbucks. As this lady was leaving with her coffee she said, "thank you for your attention." It struck me so that I immediately wrote it down in my notebook. That's what we're all seeking after, but it's God's attention that will ultimately bring us to the place of feeling valued and loved. I want to seek after His attention and not others. The less I'm seeking others attention, the more attention I have to give, and the more I realize I have to learn from them.
I am a student of God. I am a student of people. That is my occupation. Someday I might fall into a life of my own family or career, but God help me, I want to always simply and powerfully be a student of God and what He wants to teach me. Does it matter what we have or where we live? I think it does, but only if we're there or have all of it because God allowed it, because it is His will. If we can look at our life and still see it defined by God and not by our income, or the size of our home, or whether we're married or single, then we know that all of it is by God's will. And if that's the case, then all the more reason to keep giving it up to Him to see what we can learn from everything He's surrounded us by! All I know is that I am just as bizarre as the man who carries a clown nose around in his pocket, the only difference in me is that God has captured my heart. I could very well end up "on the road" for the next 26 years of my life as well, and if that's God's plan for my life then so be it! This is HIS story being played out in my life. The more people I encounter the more I am convinced that I will never have more to give than I have to learn.
God gave me a vision once that reminds me of this mad world we live in. I was at the bottom of the ocean floor with water swirling around me in a huge whirlpool. Like the scene at the end of The Little Mermaid where you could see straight down into it, but Ariel was stuck. I was Ariel, at the bottom of this whirlpool that could cave in on me at any moment or that I could get sucked into at the slightest mis-step. But then Jesus was there with me, and He grabbed my hands and we stood up and started spinning round and around and around. You know like you did when you were a kid? As long as you keep your eyes on the persons eyes across from you, they stay in focus. There was craziness all around me, but Jesus was in the center of it! My eyes were locked with His. And not only was I not afraid anymore of the madness around me, I was actually having fun. We were laughing.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Complaining and Postivity (a.k.a. Goodness of God) DO GO TOGETHER!
Sunday at church my pastor spoke on the famous verse where it says to "turn the other cheek". He had an amazing view of it though. He spoke about how when people try and shame you (which was the reference to a back-handed slap on the cheek on biblical days), to not walk away defeated, but instead to offer grace. In doing so it provokes the question "why?", and then we can be glorifying Jesus in a powerful way. Little did I know how much this would play into my next few days.
I was sort of backhanded in a very slight way by someone today, slight but pretty painful. They basically accused me of/made fun of me for supposedly "listing a long line of complaints and then ending it with 'But I'm trying to stay positive'". They didn't say it to my face or anything, just mentioned it as sort of a ridicule to my character. At first I immediately felt angry and irritated. Who are they to judge and make snide comments like that? And then I started to feel guilty about my testimony being tainted. But THEN as I was thinking about it I started realizing the real problem with this whole comment.
Synopsis of my day: (just so you know this is going somewhere...)
My car broke down and I was up since 5am this morning getting it situated so that it would hopefully be a quick fix, turned out NOT to be a quick fix (it's still in the shop)and found out it's going to be a lot more expensive than I thought (at least $300-$400), then I finally made it to a Starbucks only to find out AFTER the guy had given me my coffee and pastry that I had forgot my wallet at home, then after getting dropped off with my mom at an area we could walk around and shop and have dinner I realized I didn't have my phone and therefore had no way of getting a hold of someone for a ride back because I didn't have my stupid car and on and on and on...just one of those days. We all have them.
I'm sure at some point complaining gets annoying, but since when does it NOT go together with trying to stay positive? In my mind those two things MUST go together. One without the other is just too overwhelming. Simply complaining without an ounce of positivity will get annoying and depressing quickly, but on the other hand, ONLY being positive is just as annoying sometimes to me; and, quite honestly, unrealistic. We must be real about the fact that we have bad days, life is not always flowers and butterflies, and if we can't just let it out once in a while then we hold it in, feel a lot of pressure to put on a happy face and become completely overwhelmed. Not only then do we have bad days, but we have the added stress of trying to make it look like we don't have bad days.
I'm not perfect. Life isn't either. But that is not to be linked to God. God IS perfect. He is never bad just because bad things happen. That is one distinction I always try and remind myself of....therefore some days I WILL list complaints, simply to get them off of my chest, but I will ALWAYS try and bring it back to positivity and TRUTH. For a large part of my life I tried to put on a happy face and I had major guilt issues associated with any sort of bad day, and that is not how Christ wants us to live. The Bible is FULL of His people lamenting their sorrows onto Him. He only asks that we let it out, and then still believe that He is GOOD. And I BELIEVE HE IS GOOD. I will speak on that just as much (if not hopefully more most days) as I will speak my heart and let you know if I need prayer for things that are falling apart around me! If we can't be real with others and most of all JESUS, then He can't be real with us.
So yes...I had an exhausting, frustrating day, I've had worse and I've had better...but God is still good and therefore I can look forward to tomorrow being brand new! SO I would love to honestly, from the depths of my heart, thank those of you who are in my life and let me vent once in a while without judging me. And thank you for helping me focus on the truth and goodness of God that is still the same at the end of every day. Hopefully I can be the same source of comfort for ALL of you as well. :)
I was sort of backhanded in a very slight way by someone today, slight but pretty painful. They basically accused me of/made fun of me for supposedly "listing a long line of complaints and then ending it with 'But I'm trying to stay positive'". They didn't say it to my face or anything, just mentioned it as sort of a ridicule to my character. At first I immediately felt angry and irritated. Who are they to judge and make snide comments like that? And then I started to feel guilty about my testimony being tainted. But THEN as I was thinking about it I started realizing the real problem with this whole comment.
Synopsis of my day: (just so you know this is going somewhere...)
My car broke down and I was up since 5am this morning getting it situated so that it would hopefully be a quick fix, turned out NOT to be a quick fix (it's still in the shop)and found out it's going to be a lot more expensive than I thought (at least $300-$400), then I finally made it to a Starbucks only to find out AFTER the guy had given me my coffee and pastry that I had forgot my wallet at home, then after getting dropped off with my mom at an area we could walk around and shop and have dinner I realized I didn't have my phone and therefore had no way of getting a hold of someone for a ride back because I didn't have my stupid car and on and on and on...just one of those days. We all have them.
I'm sure at some point complaining gets annoying, but since when does it NOT go together with trying to stay positive? In my mind those two things MUST go together. One without the other is just too overwhelming. Simply complaining without an ounce of positivity will get annoying and depressing quickly, but on the other hand, ONLY being positive is just as annoying sometimes to me; and, quite honestly, unrealistic. We must be real about the fact that we have bad days, life is not always flowers and butterflies, and if we can't just let it out once in a while then we hold it in, feel a lot of pressure to put on a happy face and become completely overwhelmed. Not only then do we have bad days, but we have the added stress of trying to make it look like we don't have bad days.
I'm not perfect. Life isn't either. But that is not to be linked to God. God IS perfect. He is never bad just because bad things happen. That is one distinction I always try and remind myself of....therefore some days I WILL list complaints, simply to get them off of my chest, but I will ALWAYS try and bring it back to positivity and TRUTH. For a large part of my life I tried to put on a happy face and I had major guilt issues associated with any sort of bad day, and that is not how Christ wants us to live. The Bible is FULL of His people lamenting their sorrows onto Him. He only asks that we let it out, and then still believe that He is GOOD. And I BELIEVE HE IS GOOD. I will speak on that just as much (if not hopefully more most days) as I will speak my heart and let you know if I need prayer for things that are falling apart around me! If we can't be real with others and most of all JESUS, then He can't be real with us.
So yes...I had an exhausting, frustrating day, I've had worse and I've had better...but God is still good and therefore I can look forward to tomorrow being brand new! SO I would love to honestly, from the depths of my heart, thank those of you who are in my life and let me vent once in a while without judging me. And thank you for helping me focus on the truth and goodness of God that is still the same at the end of every day. Hopefully I can be the same source of comfort for ALL of you as well. :)
Thursday, April 29, 2010
The best gift my dad could have ever left me...
I realized yesterday that birthday's are our own personal New Year :) Yesterday was my birthday FYI...I think it's a better time than ever to evaluate, be thankful for where God has brought us and be hopeful for the future.
I was talking with a friend I hadn't talked to in forever yesterday and all of a sudden she said, "You just sound so CONTENT!". And it was true! I hadn't been able to describe how I felt all day, but I realized it really was contentment. I've always tried to figure out how to be content without losing desires and dreams. The second I stopped trying to figure it out, was when contentment came. My dreams and desires have never been so big! But I'm abandoned to God's dreams and desires, which leads to TRUST, which leads to that beautiful thing called CONTENTMENT. I don't have to worry about where my life is going.
We must not confuse being uncertain about where God is leading us with being uncertain about who God is. God is not summed up in what He's done for us, rather He is summed up with his own self description when Moses freaks out and asks God who to tell Pharaoh has sent him in Exodus 3:14, "God replied, 'I AM THE ONE WHO ALWAYS IS. Just tell them, I AM has sent me to you'"....uhhh ok? We want more of a description sometimes, we want to define God by what He's done in our lives...but what about when things aren't going so well? If we only define Him by our circumstances, no wonder we get so angry with Him, when we have NO CLUE what God is ultimately doing. I've had to learn to look at the core of God, and how He's shown that to me in my life, and then I can stand on that Rock, rather than getting pummeled by my surroundings.
Just a couple of weeks ago I had to deal with this concept. I watched a movie called the Last Song, and in it the girls dad was dying of cancer. It's been 17 1/2 years since my dad died of cancer, granted I didn't grieve fully for him until 12 years after he died, but at this point I didn't think anything could really trigger in me the feelings I had when I watched this movie...the feeling I had to come to grips with though was deep anger, towards my dad! He didn't leave anything for me or my brother like a note or a video saying goodbye, I never got to actually say goodbye to him even though I saw him the day he died. He has left me a legacy of amazing people in my life who served with him and knew him, but at this moment that's not what I cared about. I was so angry that he had left without saying goodbye to me or my brother.
I called my mom and just went off! I'm super embarrassed about it now, but I was so mad. She told me that he honestly believed until the second he died that God could and would heal him. "That's stupid!", I said without really thinking first, "That's stupid! He was stupid! That's not faith! That's naivety! That's stupidity! He neglected his family, his children by not preparing better!" And on and on and on. The words felt like poison coming out, they stung my soul, and my mom's, but I couldn't stop them. I've never spoken of my dad with anything but complete respect and love. But I was pissed. I got off the phone, and did the only thing I knew how to do to calm down my spirit and I opened my Bible. I don't even remember what I read, I don't think it mattered, I just needed God's presence and to have Him sort of make sense of this for me.
Now that I think about it, whether or not I still think it was stupid or not, I can't help but admit what I DO know to be true, and that is that my dad believed in WHO God was, WITHOUT it being based on what was going to happen to him. I believe he was encompassing this fact that it's not about where God's taking us in our lives, it's not about asking questions and trying to figure it out, it's about being COMPLETELY abandoned to Jesus. My dad was being the definition of a disciple as Jesus states it in Luke 15:26..."If you want to be my follower you must love me more than your own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters - yes, more than your own life. Otherwise you cannot be my disciple." Wow, hard to swallow for me, but I can't deny it to be true.
My dad loved me so much, and I know this. He was an amazing father. But he loved Jesus more. His life was completely submitted to His will no matter what, and he believed in the power of God. And maybe that in itself was the best gift he could have left for me, a painful but lasting example of pure faith.
I want to love Jesus more this year. I want to stop asking questions. This is a new year for me, and I am content, I am abandoned to God's will no matter what that brings, and I'm ready to put Him first. God is who He says He is, and by believing in that, at the cost of being willing to lose everything else in my life, I can truly enter into a new intimacy with Him that my soul thirsts for.
"Naturally, we are inclined to be so mathematical and calculating that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We imagine that we have to reach some end, but that is not the nature of spiritual life. the nature of spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty, consequently we do not make our nests anywhere." April 29th entry of My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.
I was talking with a friend I hadn't talked to in forever yesterday and all of a sudden she said, "You just sound so CONTENT!". And it was true! I hadn't been able to describe how I felt all day, but I realized it really was contentment. I've always tried to figure out how to be content without losing desires and dreams. The second I stopped trying to figure it out, was when contentment came. My dreams and desires have never been so big! But I'm abandoned to God's dreams and desires, which leads to TRUST, which leads to that beautiful thing called CONTENTMENT. I don't have to worry about where my life is going.
We must not confuse being uncertain about where God is leading us with being uncertain about who God is. God is not summed up in what He's done for us, rather He is summed up with his own self description when Moses freaks out and asks God who to tell Pharaoh has sent him in Exodus 3:14, "God replied, 'I AM THE ONE WHO ALWAYS IS. Just tell them, I AM has sent me to you'"....uhhh ok? We want more of a description sometimes, we want to define God by what He's done in our lives...but what about when things aren't going so well? If we only define Him by our circumstances, no wonder we get so angry with Him, when we have NO CLUE what God is ultimately doing. I've had to learn to look at the core of God, and how He's shown that to me in my life, and then I can stand on that Rock, rather than getting pummeled by my surroundings.
Just a couple of weeks ago I had to deal with this concept. I watched a movie called the Last Song, and in it the girls dad was dying of cancer. It's been 17 1/2 years since my dad died of cancer, granted I didn't grieve fully for him until 12 years after he died, but at this point I didn't think anything could really trigger in me the feelings I had when I watched this movie...the feeling I had to come to grips with though was deep anger, towards my dad! He didn't leave anything for me or my brother like a note or a video saying goodbye, I never got to actually say goodbye to him even though I saw him the day he died. He has left me a legacy of amazing people in my life who served with him and knew him, but at this moment that's not what I cared about. I was so angry that he had left without saying goodbye to me or my brother.
I called my mom and just went off! I'm super embarrassed about it now, but I was so mad. She told me that he honestly believed until the second he died that God could and would heal him. "That's stupid!", I said without really thinking first, "That's stupid! He was stupid! That's not faith! That's naivety! That's stupidity! He neglected his family, his children by not preparing better!" And on and on and on. The words felt like poison coming out, they stung my soul, and my mom's, but I couldn't stop them. I've never spoken of my dad with anything but complete respect and love. But I was pissed. I got off the phone, and did the only thing I knew how to do to calm down my spirit and I opened my Bible. I don't even remember what I read, I don't think it mattered, I just needed God's presence and to have Him sort of make sense of this for me.
Now that I think about it, whether or not I still think it was stupid or not, I can't help but admit what I DO know to be true, and that is that my dad believed in WHO God was, WITHOUT it being based on what was going to happen to him. I believe he was encompassing this fact that it's not about where God's taking us in our lives, it's not about asking questions and trying to figure it out, it's about being COMPLETELY abandoned to Jesus. My dad was being the definition of a disciple as Jesus states it in Luke 15:26..."If you want to be my follower you must love me more than your own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters - yes, more than your own life. Otherwise you cannot be my disciple." Wow, hard to swallow for me, but I can't deny it to be true.
My dad loved me so much, and I know this. He was an amazing father. But he loved Jesus more. His life was completely submitted to His will no matter what, and he believed in the power of God. And maybe that in itself was the best gift he could have left for me, a painful but lasting example of pure faith.
I want to love Jesus more this year. I want to stop asking questions. This is a new year for me, and I am content, I am abandoned to God's will no matter what that brings, and I'm ready to put Him first. God is who He says He is, and by believing in that, at the cost of being willing to lose everything else in my life, I can truly enter into a new intimacy with Him that my soul thirsts for.
"Naturally, we are inclined to be so mathematical and calculating that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We imagine that we have to reach some end, but that is not the nature of spiritual life. the nature of spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty, consequently we do not make our nests anywhere." April 29th entry of My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Coffee with Aurthur
I struggle with major insecurities when it comes to my qualifications in anything. The one thing I have to constantly push out of my mind and to the feet of Jesus is my doubt in my ability. What's funny is that, just looking at me, I have no ability to accomplish the wild dreams in my mind, and yet if I just admit that and stop trying to hide that, it's then that I'm empowered by the knowledge that my dreams can only be accomplished by someone who's big enough to use me in IMPOSSIBLE ways.
Satan is sneaky. He'll get into my head that I have jumped around from job to job, place to place, idea to idea so much that I can never accomplish anything. When the TRUTH is that, whether or not it's ever understandable, God is at work. And the ONLY qualification any of us needs is the one HE gave to us on the cross, the privilege of being called a child of the King. He'll take it from there, once we accept it and OWN IT.
Case in point:
I was driving home from L.A. where I spent an awesome time with some great people, Jeff and Liz, Kaylie and Luke, Kevin and Regina, and Liz's parents Dave and Debi. We went to Disneyland and then the next day I visited a couple of churches with Jeff and Liz as they were doing some research on some awesome things happening at Southlake. After times like this I always have a hard time getting back into my car alone and driving into the unknown, or at least that's how it always feels. Lately that feeling has taken on a new meaning, a better one...but that's another story.
So I didn't want to just go home and sit around, so I thought the next best option was to check out the Starbucks downtown San Diego that I had driven by a lot that looked really cute. It's right by the water and it was a beautiful evening. I sat down inside and started to try and read a book but I could NOT focus. Usually when I'm in the type of mood I was in I just don't want to talk to anyone. I want to get lost in a book and shut the world out for a while. But God was not going to let that happen this time. There was this old man sitting out front reading the newspaper, but he was taking up both tables outside...but all of a sudden I seriously felt like I couldn't breath and was antsy and just needed some fresh air. So I just went outside and asked if I could share one of the tables with him.
I got up. I went outside. I asked if I could share a table with him. And GOD USED THAT. It takes next to nothing for God to move. He isn't dependent on us, but I think He gets the most joy out of showing us how creative He can be on where He shows up. I ended up getting into a 3 hour conversation with Aurthur, or Art as he would prefer to be called, I just like Aurthur better :). The conversation started with stories of when he was in the service, how he got from New York to living in SoCal and on and on and on.
He asked me what I was writing when he saw my notebook, and I told him it just helps me to write as I read things to really process them. Then he asked me what I like to read, and from there I talked about how I mostly enjoy books based on my faith, and from there learned he was agnostic, and the rest of the conversation consisted of him asking me questions, usually not giving me a chance to even respond...he was a sneaky old fellow...and me sharing my heart for Jesus with him.
I had no idea how to answer each question as he was asking it. I just kept praying over and over and over "Lord SPEAK" and He did. Through me. Is there any better feeling? Towards the end of the conversation he said, "Why did you get a nudge, a hint, a direction towards God since you were young and I didn't?" To that I replied, "I don't know why it didn't happen earlier, but it's happening now. What if I'm your nudge?"
Who are you a nudge to? Are you pointing people towards Christ or away from Him because of how you treat others, talk to others? This man had heard all the answers, he had been preached to, he was very intelligent when it came to religions, but he said he had never heard someone talk about Jesus with so much love and compassion and passion. PLEASE believe me I am not saying this to toot my own horn....JESUS DESERVES EVERY OUNCE OF GLORY IN THIS SITUATION. I seriously did nothing except take on an opportunity set before me, step by step, question by question.
Art and I are going to have coffee this evening :) Whether you're 26 or 86, we're all still trying to figure this thing called life out, let's do it together! Look for your opportunities! They are everywhere. I am no scholar, I have so much to learn, but I am qualified to be used in the Kingdom because God says.
Satan is sneaky. He'll get into my head that I have jumped around from job to job, place to place, idea to idea so much that I can never accomplish anything. When the TRUTH is that, whether or not it's ever understandable, God is at work. And the ONLY qualification any of us needs is the one HE gave to us on the cross, the privilege of being called a child of the King. He'll take it from there, once we accept it and OWN IT.
Case in point:
I was driving home from L.A. where I spent an awesome time with some great people, Jeff and Liz, Kaylie and Luke, Kevin and Regina, and Liz's parents Dave and Debi. We went to Disneyland and then the next day I visited a couple of churches with Jeff and Liz as they were doing some research on some awesome things happening at Southlake. After times like this I always have a hard time getting back into my car alone and driving into the unknown, or at least that's how it always feels. Lately that feeling has taken on a new meaning, a better one...but that's another story.
So I didn't want to just go home and sit around, so I thought the next best option was to check out the Starbucks downtown San Diego that I had driven by a lot that looked really cute. It's right by the water and it was a beautiful evening. I sat down inside and started to try and read a book but I could NOT focus. Usually when I'm in the type of mood I was in I just don't want to talk to anyone. I want to get lost in a book and shut the world out for a while. But God was not going to let that happen this time. There was this old man sitting out front reading the newspaper, but he was taking up both tables outside...but all of a sudden I seriously felt like I couldn't breath and was antsy and just needed some fresh air. So I just went outside and asked if I could share one of the tables with him.
I got up. I went outside. I asked if I could share a table with him. And GOD USED THAT. It takes next to nothing for God to move. He isn't dependent on us, but I think He gets the most joy out of showing us how creative He can be on where He shows up. I ended up getting into a 3 hour conversation with Aurthur, or Art as he would prefer to be called, I just like Aurthur better :). The conversation started with stories of when he was in the service, how he got from New York to living in SoCal and on and on and on.
He asked me what I was writing when he saw my notebook, and I told him it just helps me to write as I read things to really process them. Then he asked me what I like to read, and from there I talked about how I mostly enjoy books based on my faith, and from there learned he was agnostic, and the rest of the conversation consisted of him asking me questions, usually not giving me a chance to even respond...he was a sneaky old fellow...and me sharing my heart for Jesus with him.
I had no idea how to answer each question as he was asking it. I just kept praying over and over and over "Lord SPEAK" and He did. Through me. Is there any better feeling? Towards the end of the conversation he said, "Why did you get a nudge, a hint, a direction towards God since you were young and I didn't?" To that I replied, "I don't know why it didn't happen earlier, but it's happening now. What if I'm your nudge?"
Who are you a nudge to? Are you pointing people towards Christ or away from Him because of how you treat others, talk to others? This man had heard all the answers, he had been preached to, he was very intelligent when it came to religions, but he said he had never heard someone talk about Jesus with so much love and compassion and passion. PLEASE believe me I am not saying this to toot my own horn....JESUS DESERVES EVERY OUNCE OF GLORY IN THIS SITUATION. I seriously did nothing except take on an opportunity set before me, step by step, question by question.
Art and I are going to have coffee this evening :) Whether you're 26 or 86, we're all still trying to figure this thing called life out, let's do it together! Look for your opportunities! They are everywhere. I am no scholar, I have so much to learn, but I am qualified to be used in the Kingdom because God says.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Lil' synopsis on my Bible study this morning. :)
Ok, I know I just wrote in this last night, but I have got to share what God was sharing with me this morning. I had to get up really early to get the girl I work for ready for a quiz this morning, and I got back to my apartment fully planning on going back to bed, but God had other things planned...with a little help of some coffee I think this Bible study just gave me more energy then hours more of sleep would have anyways!
Disclaimer: I have no clue if you will think this is as exciting as I do, but regardless, I have found that it's almost physically impossible for me to read the Bible anymore without my notebook handy so I can write, so this little synopsis of my morning reading is mostly for my benefit, but I figure if someone else gets something out of it than all the more Glory to God! So let's go!
So I've been reading about Moses in Exodus lately, and then this morning everything else I read had a reference to Moses! And I didn't plan on doing that.
See, I love Moses, because he seriously did not have pride issues, in fact, he had the opposite! But he still obeyed (whether he was dragging his feet along the way or not, which caused problems later on down the road but I could go on forever about that and that's not what I wanted to share this morning);)
ANYWAYS, So then I was reading through some Psalms this morning and came across Psalm 77:16&19 which says "When the Red Sea saw You, O God, its waters trembled!...Your road led THROUGH the sea, Your pathway THROUGH the mighty waters, A PATHWAY NO ONE KNEW WAS THERE."(emphasis mine).
And then I was reading today's note in My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and it references 2 Corinthians 3:18 which didn't talk about Moses directly but when I went back a few verses, specifically all the way back to 7-18, Paul speaks about the old covenant that was revealed to Moses. Moses Moses Moses! It's so incredible when God ties together portions of His word in obvious ways though. I would encourage you to read 2 Cor 3:7-18. It's awesome...speaking on the fact that even the old covenant, (revealed to Moses), which was set aside when Jesus died for us, was GLORIOUS, how much MORE GLORIOUS is this new covenant we have IN Christ?
Summary:
~Moses could not SEE how God was going to make this amazing Exodus happen and did not believe he was the one to be used for it.
~God stuck to his plan anyways, had GRACE on Moses and his constant insecurity
~God CREATED a way WHERE THERE WAS NO WAY ~ Psalm 77:16-19
~The entire thing was foreshadowing an even GREATER RESCUE from the Son of God
~We can live BOLDLY knowing that we may be inadequate, but with Christ, seas literally part to create new and POWERFUL paths. We don't do this out of obligation, but because we have been given an extraordinary gift that, if realized, leaves us with no other option than to boast in that and live for Christ!
"That old system of law etched in stone led to death, yet it began with such glory that the people of Israel could not bear to look at Moses' face. For his face shone with the glory of God, even though the brightness was already fading away. SHOULDN'T WE EXPECT FAR GREATER GLORY WHEN THE HOLY SPIRIT IS GIVING LIFE? If the old covenant, which brings condemnation, was glorious, how much MORE glorious is the new covenant, WHICH MAKES US RIGHT WITH GOD!" 2 Cor. 3:7-9 (emphasis mine)
Live in confidence today friends! I know I'm going to try to :)
Disclaimer: I have no clue if you will think this is as exciting as I do, but regardless, I have found that it's almost physically impossible for me to read the Bible anymore without my notebook handy so I can write, so this little synopsis of my morning reading is mostly for my benefit, but I figure if someone else gets something out of it than all the more Glory to God! So let's go!
So I've been reading about Moses in Exodus lately, and then this morning everything else I read had a reference to Moses! And I didn't plan on doing that.
See, I love Moses, because he seriously did not have pride issues, in fact, he had the opposite! But he still obeyed (whether he was dragging his feet along the way or not, which caused problems later on down the road but I could go on forever about that and that's not what I wanted to share this morning);)
ANYWAYS, So then I was reading through some Psalms this morning and came across Psalm 77:16&19 which says "When the Red Sea saw You, O God, its waters trembled!...Your road led THROUGH the sea, Your pathway THROUGH the mighty waters, A PATHWAY NO ONE KNEW WAS THERE."(emphasis mine).
And then I was reading today's note in My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and it references 2 Corinthians 3:18 which didn't talk about Moses directly but when I went back a few verses, specifically all the way back to 7-18, Paul speaks about the old covenant that was revealed to Moses. Moses Moses Moses! It's so incredible when God ties together portions of His word in obvious ways though. I would encourage you to read 2 Cor 3:7-18. It's awesome...speaking on the fact that even the old covenant, (revealed to Moses), which was set aside when Jesus died for us, was GLORIOUS, how much MORE GLORIOUS is this new covenant we have IN Christ?
Summary:
~Moses could not SEE how God was going to make this amazing Exodus happen and did not believe he was the one to be used for it.
~God stuck to his plan anyways, had GRACE on Moses and his constant insecurity
~God CREATED a way WHERE THERE WAS NO WAY ~ Psalm 77:16-19
~The entire thing was foreshadowing an even GREATER RESCUE from the Son of God
~We can live BOLDLY knowing that we may be inadequate, but with Christ, seas literally part to create new and POWERFUL paths. We don't do this out of obligation, but because we have been given an extraordinary gift that, if realized, leaves us with no other option than to boast in that and live for Christ!
"That old system of law etched in stone led to death, yet it began with such glory that the people of Israel could not bear to look at Moses' face. For his face shone with the glory of God, even though the brightness was already fading away. SHOULDN'T WE EXPECT FAR GREATER GLORY WHEN THE HOLY SPIRIT IS GIVING LIFE? If the old covenant, which brings condemnation, was glorious, how much MORE glorious is the new covenant, WHICH MAKES US RIGHT WITH GOD!" 2 Cor. 3:7-9 (emphasis mine)
Live in confidence today friends! I know I'm going to try to :)
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
So I got completley cussed out the other day...
I got cussed out the other day by the girl I work for. Literally, like screaming "F&*$ YOU! F*&$ YOU! F*$# YOU!" Or another phrase was "GET THE F#%* OFF MY BACK!" Etc... You get the point. Did I mention this was in public on a Christian colleges campus? You should have seen the faces! (Part of me would have thought that part of it funny if I was not the object of ridicule at the moment). She told me to leave her, so I did. (For those of you who don't know I work as a companion for a girl who had a brain injury 7 years ago) Still no excuse for treating someone like that, especially someone like me who she only knows as a good friend of hers. (I get paid but she doesn't know, it's a complicated situation).
I in turn abandoned my responsibilities of the moment, which were making sure she got to class on time, and just left her on campus. I did however text her 5 minutes later asking if she made it to class, I couldn't help but worry a bit... The day didn't get any better, more issues with my job and her therapists getting on my back about stuff that is harder to control then they realize and blah blah blah. The details of my day would only bore you, but the reason I'm sharing this story is because I realized with my super bad day, that I have grown much more than I probably would have realized if this didn't occur.
Was I extremely pissed off/embarrassed when she verbally slashed me in public (for asking her if she was sure she wanted to eat a bag of honey roasted peanuts for lunch btw)? YES. Did I freak out and start crying and pack my bags for Oregon? NO. This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but for me, the Queen of acting on emotions, or re-acting to emotions I should say, it is a very big deal.
In my head I was just like "This sucks, but tomorrow is a new day...God is good, He is going to use this for good...and again thank God for new days." I realized in that moment just how much I've grown since I've moved. I literally, actually believe that God is COMPLETELY in control and that He has me EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be.
I have learned more about myself since moving than I have in my whole lifetime. Since I moved 5 1/2 months ago I have put myself out there like never before, met a lot of new people, tried 3 or 4 different churches (all good), tried 3 or 4 different college/career groups (NOT all good, but I'm never a real fan of these), planned a move back "home" more times than I can count, conceded to God's plan of keeping me here just as many times, dated a guy for about a month and a half, got slightly and abruptly heart broken by him within one weekend, made friends, made just acquaintances, learned that it's ok to not be best friends with everyone and just have them be acquaintances, learned to love quicker, open up my heart and actually allow others to pour into my life, became much more transparent and therefore much more authentic, learned to be less judgmental...especially towards myself. I've gone to the beach more times, gotten lost more times, and slept on an air mattress more consecutive nights than ever before in my entire lifetime.
I have been in my Bible more than ever in my entire life, I have developed a passion for Jesus that I never knew existed in me, I have been extremely frustrated at not having a real outlet for my passion, and then I have realized that my definition of an outlet was not God's definition, and that I can't hide behind "doing church things" anymore as my "outlet". I've had to give up and let Him define my outlet, which for the moment is just Him stealing me away for personal time every single day. And, surprisingly enough, I have become passionate about it and fulfilled in it!
I have learned that I will never know everything, and I have learned and been EXTREMELY humbled by the fact that the "new" revelations God shows me (or that I finally realize because I finally take time to actually look at Him) are possibly new to me but many other people already know them. I will never be able to take pride in my knowledge, I can only allow it to make me more and more in awe of the Creator of knowledge.
Throughout everything that I've been through, even in the past couple of days, I can say without a doubt that I am thankful for every single second, even if a lot of them sucked. Because the suckier the second, the greater the illuminating power of God. Even when I'm being cussed out for no reason.
I in turn abandoned my responsibilities of the moment, which were making sure she got to class on time, and just left her on campus. I did however text her 5 minutes later asking if she made it to class, I couldn't help but worry a bit... The day didn't get any better, more issues with my job and her therapists getting on my back about stuff that is harder to control then they realize and blah blah blah. The details of my day would only bore you, but the reason I'm sharing this story is because I realized with my super bad day, that I have grown much more than I probably would have realized if this didn't occur.
Was I extremely pissed off/embarrassed when she verbally slashed me in public (for asking her if she was sure she wanted to eat a bag of honey roasted peanuts for lunch btw)? YES. Did I freak out and start crying and pack my bags for Oregon? NO. This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but for me, the Queen of acting on emotions, or re-acting to emotions I should say, it is a very big deal.
In my head I was just like "This sucks, but tomorrow is a new day...God is good, He is going to use this for good...and again thank God for new days." I realized in that moment just how much I've grown since I've moved. I literally, actually believe that God is COMPLETELY in control and that He has me EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be.
I have learned more about myself since moving than I have in my whole lifetime. Since I moved 5 1/2 months ago I have put myself out there like never before, met a lot of new people, tried 3 or 4 different churches (all good), tried 3 or 4 different college/career groups (NOT all good, but I'm never a real fan of these), planned a move back "home" more times than I can count, conceded to God's plan of keeping me here just as many times, dated a guy for about a month and a half, got slightly and abruptly heart broken by him within one weekend, made friends, made just acquaintances, learned that it's ok to not be best friends with everyone and just have them be acquaintances, learned to love quicker, open up my heart and actually allow others to pour into my life, became much more transparent and therefore much more authentic, learned to be less judgmental...especially towards myself. I've gone to the beach more times, gotten lost more times, and slept on an air mattress more consecutive nights than ever before in my entire lifetime.
I have been in my Bible more than ever in my entire life, I have developed a passion for Jesus that I never knew existed in me, I have been extremely frustrated at not having a real outlet for my passion, and then I have realized that my definition of an outlet was not God's definition, and that I can't hide behind "doing church things" anymore as my "outlet". I've had to give up and let Him define my outlet, which for the moment is just Him stealing me away for personal time every single day. And, surprisingly enough, I have become passionate about it and fulfilled in it!
I have learned that I will never know everything, and I have learned and been EXTREMELY humbled by the fact that the "new" revelations God shows me (or that I finally realize because I finally take time to actually look at Him) are possibly new to me but many other people already know them. I will never be able to take pride in my knowledge, I can only allow it to make me more and more in awe of the Creator of knowledge.
Throughout everything that I've been through, even in the past couple of days, I can say without a doubt that I am thankful for every single second, even if a lot of them sucked. Because the suckier the second, the greater the illuminating power of God. Even when I'm being cussed out for no reason.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
ALL about Him
Tonight I found myself in an all too familiar-as-of-late place, asking the same question..."God what do you want me to dooooo?" I'm ready, I'm willing, but I'm still directionless.
Then in my car as I asked the question for the billionth time God was like "I want you to stop worrying about what you're supposed to do." Ok....dangit. When God speaks so clearly like that even I can't come up with a clever retort. I find myself speechless and reminded, ever so lovingly, that it is all about Him.
ALL about Him.
Q: Where am I supposed to be? A: My place, my home is in Christ
Q: What am I supposed to be doing? A: Loving God, loving people. Pouring my life out before Him
Q: Who am I supposed to be? A: A daughter of the King, seeking out who that is by being in His Word and dying to the world's standards of myself and letting myself be defined by Him and Him alone.
All of these things are right in front of us. When I take my focus off of myself and put it back on Him, then and only then do I get back on track. It takes me doing this every second sometimes until it becomes habit, and even then it's takes constant refocus. EVERYTHING is about Him, loving Him, honoring Him, serving Him, worshiping Him.
After all, He made it all about us.
Then in my car as I asked the question for the billionth time God was like "I want you to stop worrying about what you're supposed to do." Ok....dangit. When God speaks so clearly like that even I can't come up with a clever retort. I find myself speechless and reminded, ever so lovingly, that it is all about Him.
ALL about Him.
Q: Where am I supposed to be? A: My place, my home is in Christ
Q: What am I supposed to be doing? A: Loving God, loving people. Pouring my life out before Him
Q: Who am I supposed to be? A: A daughter of the King, seeking out who that is by being in His Word and dying to the world's standards of myself and letting myself be defined by Him and Him alone.
All of these things are right in front of us. When I take my focus off of myself and put it back on Him, then and only then do I get back on track. It takes me doing this every second sometimes until it becomes habit, and even then it's takes constant refocus. EVERYTHING is about Him, loving Him, honoring Him, serving Him, worshiping Him.
After all, He made it all about us.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Rough draft of intro to my book I'm writing
Have you ever had that feeling so intense in the gut of your gut that you might very well explode if you don’t have an outlet for whatever it is that you’re feeling? Whether it be passion, pain, frustration, love. That’s how I feel. That’s why I’m writing. I fear my own passion at times; it may very well be the death of me. Not for the fact that I think passion is an actual threat to my human life, but that it might drive me mad.
Stop and think about a moment in your life when you felt the most passionate. Take a second and really think about it. Put yourself back in that place and try and feel it again. Now take that feeling, that moment that you’ve been able to remember feeling like you are going to explode, maybe it’s this very moment, and multiply that until you can’t anymore. The existence of that emotion, the very expanse of it, is only possible to feel because of the King of the world creating us so that we may feel; so that we may live. We would not be able to experience passion like that if it weren’t a mere glimpse of the passion our King has towards us and our purpose.
I believe that it is our right, rather our calling, to feel, and to feel passionately, and to let it out. To cry out to our Creator to tell us how we can further His kingdom through our own experiences, thoughts and emotions. If we let them out in the wrong way, or worse, keep them in altogether, it will kill us, for it will rob us of living fully and passionately this life that God has created us for.
There are multiple things in this life that will try and kill our passion, and will try and take away our sense of purpose. There is our own sin that stands in our way, there is unforeseen tragedy that will blindside us, and there are enticing distractions that this world, rather, our enemy throws at us daily. I do not claim to have the answers to stop all of these things from distracting us, I myself have been distracted and thrown off course by all of them. Rather, I have been freed from the burden of trying to figure out exactly how to live without these things, (sin, tragedy, distraction), and have learned how to hold my head high in the midst of them and boast proudly in what the LORD has done for me no matter what my world looks like at the moment.
Jesus Christ is here, He is alive, and we have the honor of getting to know Him. His word tells us to “hold our heads high above the enemies who surround us” (Psalm 27:6) and shout praises to our God. We are daughters and sons of the King of the universe, and we are recipients of His inheritance for us.
It breaks my heart how often Christians hang their heads in guilt, and feelings of unworthiness. Do we deserve what Christ did for us on the cross? No. But He did it anyways! And that, my friends, is a mighty thing to be celebrating with our lives. Instead of sulking and thinking of ourselves as so unworthy, let’s allow our gratitude to be motivation to stand tall as Christ’s family and live for Him! Don’t allow His sacrifice to be in vain! Allow His passions to flow actively and significantly through us! Let’s look together at His word to see how He truly sees us, as highly valued creations.
In this book my truest desire is to simply try and get my aching passion into a form of words that might actually portray some of what God has been revealing to me about how He has called us to live. He has called us to stand, to shout, and to boast proudly in Him and His deliverance. God’s deepest passion is relationship with you and me, no matter what the cost. That is what He exists for, let’s start existing for Him! I believe the greatest way to do this is to start to feel and live as though we were actually valued, because we actually are.
“But let all who take refuge in you REJOICE; let them sing joyful praises forever. Protect them, so all who love your name may be filled with joy, For you bless the godly, O Lord, surrounding them with your shield of love.” Psalm 5:11-12
Stop and think about a moment in your life when you felt the most passionate. Take a second and really think about it. Put yourself back in that place and try and feel it again. Now take that feeling, that moment that you’ve been able to remember feeling like you are going to explode, maybe it’s this very moment, and multiply that until you can’t anymore. The existence of that emotion, the very expanse of it, is only possible to feel because of the King of the world creating us so that we may feel; so that we may live. We would not be able to experience passion like that if it weren’t a mere glimpse of the passion our King has towards us and our purpose.
I believe that it is our right, rather our calling, to feel, and to feel passionately, and to let it out. To cry out to our Creator to tell us how we can further His kingdom through our own experiences, thoughts and emotions. If we let them out in the wrong way, or worse, keep them in altogether, it will kill us, for it will rob us of living fully and passionately this life that God has created us for.
There are multiple things in this life that will try and kill our passion, and will try and take away our sense of purpose. There is our own sin that stands in our way, there is unforeseen tragedy that will blindside us, and there are enticing distractions that this world, rather, our enemy throws at us daily. I do not claim to have the answers to stop all of these things from distracting us, I myself have been distracted and thrown off course by all of them. Rather, I have been freed from the burden of trying to figure out exactly how to live without these things, (sin, tragedy, distraction), and have learned how to hold my head high in the midst of them and boast proudly in what the LORD has done for me no matter what my world looks like at the moment.
Jesus Christ is here, He is alive, and we have the honor of getting to know Him. His word tells us to “hold our heads high above the enemies who surround us” (Psalm 27:6) and shout praises to our God. We are daughters and sons of the King of the universe, and we are recipients of His inheritance for us.
It breaks my heart how often Christians hang their heads in guilt, and feelings of unworthiness. Do we deserve what Christ did for us on the cross? No. But He did it anyways! And that, my friends, is a mighty thing to be celebrating with our lives. Instead of sulking and thinking of ourselves as so unworthy, let’s allow our gratitude to be motivation to stand tall as Christ’s family and live for Him! Don’t allow His sacrifice to be in vain! Allow His passions to flow actively and significantly through us! Let’s look together at His word to see how He truly sees us, as highly valued creations.
In this book my truest desire is to simply try and get my aching passion into a form of words that might actually portray some of what God has been revealing to me about how He has called us to live. He has called us to stand, to shout, and to boast proudly in Him and His deliverance. God’s deepest passion is relationship with you and me, no matter what the cost. That is what He exists for, let’s start existing for Him! I believe the greatest way to do this is to start to feel and live as though we were actually valued, because we actually are.
“But let all who take refuge in you REJOICE; let them sing joyful praises forever. Protect them, so all who love your name may be filled with joy, For you bless the godly, O Lord, surrounding them with your shield of love.” Psalm 5:11-12
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
"hey satan! I'm not going to let you hold this over my head anymore!"
Sunny with a high, of 75 and I'm happy to be alive...lalalala....for some reason I have that song stuck in my head. Pretty fitting for the day though.
It is beautiful here today, sun definitely helps with moods, but so does Jesus. Hey! Son, sun, tomato tomato? Ok that metaphor doesn't work when typed...it just looks like I'm saying the same word twice...wow. I need to stop.
Ok, I realized today that Jesus wants nothing more than to reach down and scrape us out of the pits we fall into. Whether we're pushed there, slip in without realizing it, or go on and jump right in even though we see it for what it is, He doesn't ever leave. And I also realized that not only do we want to get out so we can just be out of the pit, but it gives us a higher vantage point to see what the enemy is actually up to! And of course Satan doesn't want that.
I spent the morning with my Bible study ladies that I've neglected for the past three weeks due to various reasons. And then I went to Subway and Starbucks and started reading the book for our next study. I ended up reading for two hours, I about finished the book. Plus there's more sentences underlined than not now, but I am LOVIN' it. It's by Beth Moore again, did I mention I want to be her? She is seriously someone I esteem to be like in my life. Very real, very energetic, very in love with Jesus. Plus she has fabulous hair.
Sometimes I get self conscious that I talk about Jesus to much...can we say enemy attacking? That stupid liar, I hate him. BUT I did do something to kind of put him in his place today. It was super awkward for me, but I had been feeling really guilty about not being a good example of Christ, not walkin' the walk, especially with this one girl. And she knew I was a Christian so that made it even worse. But today I was like "hey satan! I'm not going to let you hold this over my head anymore!" I felt like I needed to do more to just stop it in it's tracks then simply start acting like a Christian around her, so I felt led...awkward as it was...to apologize to her for being a less than stellar example. A tad bit hard to get the words out but I felt so rejuvenated afterwards! And her response was super gracious and awesome and re-affirming that I wasn't as bad as I made myself feel anyways, so that's always nice to hear. And she asked if she could go to church with me sometime :) Did I mention God is good?
So I'm reaching up with my mud stained face from being in this pit, and I'm letting God drag me out, but I'm not going to be naive, I realize I'm still on the edge, and so every second counts. I need to be constantly aware that at any moment if I take my gaze off of the purpose for being here on Earth I could slip. Or knowing me, I'll get pissed about something and jump back in...no more! No bueno! Could I be so bold as to ask you to pray for me about this when you think of it? So I'm making minute by minute goals to turn back to Jesus and JUMP into His word!! Out with the pit, in with the Word...if I could make that into something catchier I might have another bumper sticker to add to my idea collection.
Taco Tuesday tonight at Pacific Beach with friends! Great way to cap off a "fresh start" day.
And I'm coming home for Easter! Woot Woot!!
Thank you, all of you, for loving me and supporting me through EVERYTHING. May I always be someone you know you can come to for the same source of support and affection.
It is beautiful here today, sun definitely helps with moods, but so does Jesus. Hey! Son, sun, tomato tomato? Ok that metaphor doesn't work when typed...it just looks like I'm saying the same word twice...wow. I need to stop.
Ok, I realized today that Jesus wants nothing more than to reach down and scrape us out of the pits we fall into. Whether we're pushed there, slip in without realizing it, or go on and jump right in even though we see it for what it is, He doesn't ever leave. And I also realized that not only do we want to get out so we can just be out of the pit, but it gives us a higher vantage point to see what the enemy is actually up to! And of course Satan doesn't want that.
I spent the morning with my Bible study ladies that I've neglected for the past three weeks due to various reasons. And then I went to Subway and Starbucks and started reading the book for our next study. I ended up reading for two hours, I about finished the book. Plus there's more sentences underlined than not now, but I am LOVIN' it. It's by Beth Moore again, did I mention I want to be her? She is seriously someone I esteem to be like in my life. Very real, very energetic, very in love with Jesus. Plus she has fabulous hair.
Sometimes I get self conscious that I talk about Jesus to much...can we say enemy attacking? That stupid liar, I hate him. BUT I did do something to kind of put him in his place today. It was super awkward for me, but I had been feeling really guilty about not being a good example of Christ, not walkin' the walk, especially with this one girl. And she knew I was a Christian so that made it even worse. But today I was like "hey satan! I'm not going to let you hold this over my head anymore!" I felt like I needed to do more to just stop it in it's tracks then simply start acting like a Christian around her, so I felt led...awkward as it was...to apologize to her for being a less than stellar example. A tad bit hard to get the words out but I felt so rejuvenated afterwards! And her response was super gracious and awesome and re-affirming that I wasn't as bad as I made myself feel anyways, so that's always nice to hear. And she asked if she could go to church with me sometime :) Did I mention God is good?
So I'm reaching up with my mud stained face from being in this pit, and I'm letting God drag me out, but I'm not going to be naive, I realize I'm still on the edge, and so every second counts. I need to be constantly aware that at any moment if I take my gaze off of the purpose for being here on Earth I could slip. Or knowing me, I'll get pissed about something and jump back in...no more! No bueno! Could I be so bold as to ask you to pray for me about this when you think of it? So I'm making minute by minute goals to turn back to Jesus and JUMP into His word!! Out with the pit, in with the Word...if I could make that into something catchier I might have another bumper sticker to add to my idea collection.
Taco Tuesday tonight at Pacific Beach with friends! Great way to cap off a "fresh start" day.
And I'm coming home for Easter! Woot Woot!!
Thank you, all of you, for loving me and supporting me through EVERYTHING. May I always be someone you know you can come to for the same source of support and affection.
Thank You, my faithful Savior, for pulling me out of the pit and for risking Your name on me. I adore You.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
I will boast!
I feel like my life is always one step forward two steps back, but for the most part it's my fault that it continues to be that way.
I talk to much when I should just keep my mouth shut, I shut my mouth up when I should speak up, I allow things into my life that shouldn't be there and I cut out things that are actually good for me. Flip flop, back and forth, and in the midst of all of my emotions and failures, God is still the same, and He still loves me. How is that possible?
I'm missing home tonight. I feel my failures extra hard tonight. I'm hoping some sense of satisfaction will come from me blogging tonight.
I feel like I have been seeing so much more about myself lately, learning learning learning about who I am, and realizing more and more how much I need to change. That's a good thing, if I can embrace the change. I long so desperately for more in my life, and when I take a good look at it I'm the reason why I can't get to that more. I think to small, and I allow things in my life that I know won't truly challenge me.
Recently I have been extremely challenged to start opening my heart and mind up to things that seem to BIG for me. This comes as a result of just simply getting very sick of the mundane in my life. God has been preparing me for more and I have been pushing it off. It goes back to that one step forward two steps back scenario. I WANT to let it in more than anything, I desire more than ANYTHING to live the Life that God has for me, and to be in His will and to glorify Him, but desire only takes a person so far. I have not pushed myself to start doing anything of real challenge in a long time, and it's time for that to end.
I really feel like I'm supposed to do BIG things, and I really feel called to write a book, and that is something I'm actually going to dive in and start really taking over. It seems way to big for me, and yet that is the biggest indicator that I'm finally thinking in God's direction. I will need Him to speak for me, what could I write about that hasn't already been written about? But if God is calling me to do this it will have to be His words, His plan. I long to inspire, to speak and encourage and I just don't know what outlet that is going to take on, but I am ready to throw myself off the cliff and trust God's plan on how I'm actually going to land without breaking into a million pieces.
I feel really scattered, I'm afraid of my own human short comings, I'm slightly heartbroken, I'm mad at myself, I'm homesick....BUT I can boast proudly in what the Lord has done in me, and I will boast to Glorify God. And as I turn my gaze to connect with the overwhelmingly beautiful eyes of my Jesus I start to see that what is "scattered" can be smoothed out by God's POWER, my short comings are covered in the BLOOD of the Lamb, my broken heart can be healed by the intense LOVE of my Savior, my anger towards myself can be turned into a righteous motivation to change my ways to GLORIFY Jesus, and my longing to be "home" will never cease until I am standing before those pearly gates.
So until then, may I never stop being honest about what a broken person I am, but may I always follow that up with a BOASTING in the Lord and what He has done for me. Lord keep me from losing eye contact with You. Thank you for not allowing me to be satisfied with less than the greatest you have for me.
I talk to much when I should just keep my mouth shut, I shut my mouth up when I should speak up, I allow things into my life that shouldn't be there and I cut out things that are actually good for me. Flip flop, back and forth, and in the midst of all of my emotions and failures, God is still the same, and He still loves me. How is that possible?
I'm missing home tonight. I feel my failures extra hard tonight. I'm hoping some sense of satisfaction will come from me blogging tonight.
I feel like I have been seeing so much more about myself lately, learning learning learning about who I am, and realizing more and more how much I need to change. That's a good thing, if I can embrace the change. I long so desperately for more in my life, and when I take a good look at it I'm the reason why I can't get to that more. I think to small, and I allow things in my life that I know won't truly challenge me.
Recently I have been extremely challenged to start opening my heart and mind up to things that seem to BIG for me. This comes as a result of just simply getting very sick of the mundane in my life. God has been preparing me for more and I have been pushing it off. It goes back to that one step forward two steps back scenario. I WANT to let it in more than anything, I desire more than ANYTHING to live the Life that God has for me, and to be in His will and to glorify Him, but desire only takes a person so far. I have not pushed myself to start doing anything of real challenge in a long time, and it's time for that to end.
I really feel like I'm supposed to do BIG things, and I really feel called to write a book, and that is something I'm actually going to dive in and start really taking over. It seems way to big for me, and yet that is the biggest indicator that I'm finally thinking in God's direction. I will need Him to speak for me, what could I write about that hasn't already been written about? But if God is calling me to do this it will have to be His words, His plan. I long to inspire, to speak and encourage and I just don't know what outlet that is going to take on, but I am ready to throw myself off the cliff and trust God's plan on how I'm actually going to land without breaking into a million pieces.
I feel really scattered, I'm afraid of my own human short comings, I'm slightly heartbroken, I'm mad at myself, I'm homesick....BUT I can boast proudly in what the Lord has done in me, and I will boast to Glorify God. And as I turn my gaze to connect with the overwhelmingly beautiful eyes of my Jesus I start to see that what is "scattered" can be smoothed out by God's POWER, my short comings are covered in the BLOOD of the Lamb, my broken heart can be healed by the intense LOVE of my Savior, my anger towards myself can be turned into a righteous motivation to change my ways to GLORIFY Jesus, and my longing to be "home" will never cease until I am standing before those pearly gates.
So until then, may I never stop being honest about what a broken person I am, but may I always follow that up with a BOASTING in the Lord and what He has done for me. Lord keep me from losing eye contact with You. Thank you for not allowing me to be satisfied with less than the greatest you have for me.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Your Glory goes beyond all fame
Hello!
I sit here on my bed, trying to begin to know where to start, and all I can say is that I am in awe of God's grace, His mercy, His love, His provision, His constant covering of me, His whiny at times daughter whom He has shown overwhelming love to like never before.
These past six months have been a crazy whirlwind of confusion, frustration, sadness, loneliness, and more than anything GROWTH.
I feel like a new person, I feel like God has stripped me of everything I have ever known for the SOLE purpose to draw me closer than EVER before to Him, and you know what? I'm not even mad about it anymore :) The fact that He would put me through everything I've been through and continue to go through just so He could show His love to me even more makes me feel special! It really does, and I can't even begin to explain what a difference it's already made in my relationship with Him.
Moving down here I had no idea what I was moving for, and I still don't. But the difference is that I don't care anymore! And I have learned that it's not about where I'm at, but how I choose to conduct myself with the people who surround me. And most importantly, I've learned to go to God FIRST with EVERYTHING. I've only learned that recently because He's literally been all I have to turn to. Thank you Jesus.
When I was home for Christmas God did something pretty incredible in me. He taught me how to start letting HIM love ME. I have always tried so hard (and then put a guilt trip on myself for failing) to love Him enough, and do enough and be enough. And He stopped me short in my tracks one unsuspecting night, and I started to let Him love me. That set me up for a whole new outlook coming back down to my new life in San Diego. My focus changed, and I became more determined than ever to just live in Him, in His love.
Updates: I have found a church!!!!!!!!! I am going to East Lake (Mike Meeks church for those of you who don't know) and have started serving as a high school small group leader again! This came about in the matter of a couple hours one day. I just felt compelled to email the high school pastor there and ended up getting a response immediately, met with him and another key leader two days later and that night was sitting in front of a group of high schooler's. AND they told me that they are interested in doing their first ever youth mission trip...but have no one who's experienced to lead it...hmmmm who could be asked to step into THAT role I wonder?? :) When God wants to move...HE MOVES QUICKLY! I've just tried to learn to expect Him to show up anywhere and everywhere. I think when we put specific expectations on Him we get disappointing, but when we just EXPECT Him, He always delivers :) He always shows up. It was kind of funny though because those girls have no idea how much I already love them and want them to see their value in Christ, and they're still getting to know me so I think I might have freaked them out a bit tonight. They not only experienced "Brooke on a soap box" because I was particularly passionate about the topic tonight, but I actually asked a girl to leave the group because she was being extremely dis-respectful and I take these groups SO seriously! This is God's work! I had given her plenty of kind but firm warnings as only Brooke can, but enough was enough....Brooke's back in the game folks! High school girls everywhere watch out! I won't let anything stand in the way of you finding your value as a daughter of the King!!!! hahaha!!
I'm majorly rambling but there's just so much that's indescribable about what He's doing in me down here. I have never been so alive in Him, and still so lonely. But I consider loneliness as a blessing in this season of my life, because I have learned to draw ever closer to my awesome God. I also joined a Bible study for women Tuesday mornings that is AMAZING. We're going through a Beth Moore study of the Psalms, and I am already blown away with challenges!
Ooooh! One more thing though if you've made it this far :) I was blessed to be able to go to the Grammy's Sunday night!!! It was amazing! But you know what was so cool? For those of you who know me really well you know how much I love celebrity gossip etc..., I've stopped denying it or defending it :) It's just a fact about me. BUT, something that actually surprised even me about myself this time, was that I walked away just feeling so much more impressed by my God than I was any of those celebrity's. It was still AWESOME! But God is just so much more impressive to me. He is so much bigger, and really, those people are just lost people just like all of us who need a Savior. So I will pray for them...as I continue to read People magazine weekly hahaha...oh dear. No but I really did feel a strong urgency and heart for them to be praying for them in a very serious way. So we'll see what comes of it :) Maybe next week in People all of the celebrity's will be professing Jesus...hey even God is capable of that! Ok, I need to get some sleep.
I love you all! And dearly miss all of you who are not here with me. Keep praising God, live for His glory and be your own bad self in the midst of it all!
I sit here on my bed, trying to begin to know where to start, and all I can say is that I am in awe of God's grace, His mercy, His love, His provision, His constant covering of me, His whiny at times daughter whom He has shown overwhelming love to like never before.
These past six months have been a crazy whirlwind of confusion, frustration, sadness, loneliness, and more than anything GROWTH.
I feel like a new person, I feel like God has stripped me of everything I have ever known for the SOLE purpose to draw me closer than EVER before to Him, and you know what? I'm not even mad about it anymore :) The fact that He would put me through everything I've been through and continue to go through just so He could show His love to me even more makes me feel special! It really does, and I can't even begin to explain what a difference it's already made in my relationship with Him.
Moving down here I had no idea what I was moving for, and I still don't. But the difference is that I don't care anymore! And I have learned that it's not about where I'm at, but how I choose to conduct myself with the people who surround me. And most importantly, I've learned to go to God FIRST with EVERYTHING. I've only learned that recently because He's literally been all I have to turn to. Thank you Jesus.
When I was home for Christmas God did something pretty incredible in me. He taught me how to start letting HIM love ME. I have always tried so hard (and then put a guilt trip on myself for failing) to love Him enough, and do enough and be enough. And He stopped me short in my tracks one unsuspecting night, and I started to let Him love me. That set me up for a whole new outlook coming back down to my new life in San Diego. My focus changed, and I became more determined than ever to just live in Him, in His love.
Updates: I have found a church!!!!!!!!! I am going to East Lake (Mike Meeks church for those of you who don't know) and have started serving as a high school small group leader again! This came about in the matter of a couple hours one day. I just felt compelled to email the high school pastor there and ended up getting a response immediately, met with him and another key leader two days later and that night was sitting in front of a group of high schooler's. AND they told me that they are interested in doing their first ever youth mission trip...but have no one who's experienced to lead it...hmmmm who could be asked to step into THAT role I wonder?? :) When God wants to move...HE MOVES QUICKLY! I've just tried to learn to expect Him to show up anywhere and everywhere. I think when we put specific expectations on Him we get disappointing, but when we just EXPECT Him, He always delivers :) He always shows up. It was kind of funny though because those girls have no idea how much I already love them and want them to see their value in Christ, and they're still getting to know me so I think I might have freaked them out a bit tonight. They not only experienced "Brooke on a soap box" because I was particularly passionate about the topic tonight, but I actually asked a girl to leave the group because she was being extremely dis-respectful and I take these groups SO seriously! This is God's work! I had given her plenty of kind but firm warnings as only Brooke can, but enough was enough....Brooke's back in the game folks! High school girls everywhere watch out! I won't let anything stand in the way of you finding your value as a daughter of the King!!!! hahaha!!
I'm majorly rambling but there's just so much that's indescribable about what He's doing in me down here. I have never been so alive in Him, and still so lonely. But I consider loneliness as a blessing in this season of my life, because I have learned to draw ever closer to my awesome God. I also joined a Bible study for women Tuesday mornings that is AMAZING. We're going through a Beth Moore study of the Psalms, and I am already blown away with challenges!
Ooooh! One more thing though if you've made it this far :) I was blessed to be able to go to the Grammy's Sunday night!!! It was amazing! But you know what was so cool? For those of you who know me really well you know how much I love celebrity gossip etc..., I've stopped denying it or defending it :) It's just a fact about me. BUT, something that actually surprised even me about myself this time, was that I walked away just feeling so much more impressed by my God than I was any of those celebrity's. It was still AWESOME! But God is just so much more impressive to me. He is so much bigger, and really, those people are just lost people just like all of us who need a Savior. So I will pray for them...as I continue to read People magazine weekly hahaha...oh dear. No but I really did feel a strong urgency and heart for them to be praying for them in a very serious way. So we'll see what comes of it :) Maybe next week in People all of the celebrity's will be professing Jesus...hey even God is capable of that! Ok, I need to get some sleep.
I love you all! And dearly miss all of you who are not here with me. Keep praising God, live for His glory and be your own bad self in the midst of it all!
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